I could highjack your Saturday night fever with ease
Live from New York, it's your life on hold
Put the beer down and step slowly away from the girl
Walk out the door and don't you dare think about calling the police
This is a reality check for your real housewives brain
The real world has called and they want MTV to stop ruining their good name
New Jersey is a gutter for the trash of America
Not a safe haven for reality tv superstardom
Your remote control is broken and the tv is off
Time to step out into the sunlight and discover you don't burn in daylight
You didn't even realize life was passing you by
The sun came out yesterday and the pale glow of your playstation isn't doing your skin any favors
Life is for those who are living
But your deadbeat internet generation is stuck on social network overload
The glory of God will not be revealed in 140 characters
And your friends all turned off their computers hours ago
The door is unlocked and there's not a cloud n the sky
Time to wave goodbye to Dances with Miss teen MTV
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Steps Lead to Questions
I have never been one to stop questioning
Every new circumstance opens a door to an answer unobtained
Some call my doubts a lack of faith
But this world is an ever changing plane of understanding
I yearn for a deeper perception of your very nature
Yet your word throws my Sunday school sermons out the window
My prayer life is a false cathedral with no attendance
Full of selfishness and self pity and lacking praise
Is my endeavor to strive towards you all in vain
Or is there purpose in my ever questioning mind
Every new circumstance opens a door to an answer unobtained
Some call my doubts a lack of faith
But this world is an ever changing plane of understanding
I yearn for a deeper perception of your very nature
Yet your word throws my Sunday school sermons out the window
My prayer life is a false cathedral with no attendance
Full of selfishness and self pity and lacking praise
Is my endeavor to strive towards you all in vain
Or is there purpose in my ever questioning mind
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The Fourth Of July is Always Too Hot
Bang! Zoom! There goes the fireworks!
She explodes like C4
He timer set to destroy all that lies in her path
And make no mistake that heads will roll when she goes off
All the citizen cry out with their heads down
"Who will save us from her destructive nature?"
When along comes a man, a calming aura surrounds him
And with a whisper the after shock dies away and for a moment peace
Is it lasting...
Only time will tell.
She explodes like C4
He timer set to destroy all that lies in her path
And make no mistake that heads will roll when she goes off
All the citizen cry out with their heads down
"Who will save us from her destructive nature?"
When along comes a man, a calming aura surrounds him
And with a whisper the after shock dies away and for a moment peace
Is it lasting...
Only time will tell.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Gravity Is a Harsh Mistress
I took a chance and bet it all on black
I lost everything I had and now I'm drowning
But all hope is not lost
Driftwood comes along and provides a place to rest my head
Giving me a chance to catch my breathe as I float along uncertain seas.
The glimmer of a ship on the horizon brings peace to my soul
But the shadows fade in the distant and the setting sun is a symbol of my spirit.
I offer up a prayer to God, hoping that he'll take compassion on a lost man
A man who gave up the world to explore the edge of the world.
I lost everything I had and now I'm drowning
But all hope is not lost
Driftwood comes along and provides a place to rest my head
Giving me a chance to catch my breathe as I float along uncertain seas.
The glimmer of a ship on the horizon brings peace to my soul
But the shadows fade in the distant and the setting sun is a symbol of my spirit.
I offer up a prayer to God, hoping that he'll take compassion on a lost man
A man who gave up the world to explore the edge of the world.
Monday, August 02, 2010
The Unwed Sailor
In January I tried my hand at writing a short story. I wrote The Unwed Sailor, which is based off a poem I wrote years earlier. I've decided to share it. Enjoy.
Warning: Explicit language used
The Unwed Sailor
There are moments in our life when we find what we’ve been looking for. There are moments when we need to leave what we’ve been looking for just to make sure that’s really what we want. And sometimes we get scared and run away. At the time it seemed like I needed to just discover more about myself before settling down. Looking back I can see that I was scared and just ran away.
But I’ve spent many years at sea and I’ve spent far too much time reflecting on the mistakes of my youth. I can’t say I would’ve done anything differently. Some mistakes have to be made for us to realize that it was even a mistake. I knew leaving wasn’t the right choice but I was young and ambitious.
I pray that Jennifer has found happiness and married and had the family that she wanted. And I pray that somehow she can find it in her heart to forgive me. If there’s a God, I hope he was kind to her. Kinder then I was.
Tomorrow I return home. 20 years from the day I set sail, the day that changed her and my life forever. I don’t know why know seems like the right time to go back… Maybe there is no good time to return. Which makes now as good as ever. I’m not sure anyone will recognize me, which is what I’m hoping for. I don’t think I have a life here… But I need to come back.
We’ll reach port at sunset. From there… Who knows what will happen.
Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor
1.
The sun was slowly fading into its evening slumber, the sky over the sea the color of fire. Night was fast approaching as the ship pulled into dock. It was odd time for a ship to come in. This wasn’t a standard fishing ship or a navel vessel. But most of the town had started to turn in for the night and this strange occurrence went largely unnoticed.
As Jesse stepped from his boat, looking for the rope to tie The Unwed Sailor to the pier, a man stepped up to offer a hand.
“Evening. Need a hand”?
“That would great”, said Jesse. “Thanks.”
“This is one odd looking ship, we don’t see to many of these.”
“It’s an old merchant vessel”, said Jesse.
“You looking to sell to something here?”
“No”, said Jesse. “I’m returning home.”
“Home? I don’t remember a merchant leaving here recently. And I sure as hell don’t recognize you.”
“Well it’s been a while since I left”, said Jesse. “Twenty years to exact.”
The man’s eyes opened wide in recognition.
“Jesse Howel? Is that really you?”
“As I live breathe Carter”, said Jesse.
“You remember me!” exclaimed Carter. “After all these year you can stand on your ugly little boat and remember your best friend and not say a word?”
“I figured sooner or later the conversation would get around to who I was. I knew you’d get it.”
Carter just stood there in amazement. It was like he was talking to a ghost.
“You know people thought you died when you never wrote and never came back.”
“I wrote… I just never sent the letters”, Jesse said sheepishly. “How have you been Carter? I can see you’re still working the dock.”
“Not a thing has changed in twenty years. I’m old and I’m married. And I have one lazy ass son who should be down here helping me” said Carter.
“You marry Mary Anne like you were planning?”
“Yeah” Cater beamed. “Just after you sailed out. Hey, why don’t you come home with me for dinner? I know Mary Anne would love to see you again. And even though she can’t cook for shit, it has to be better then whatever you have on that boat. What do you say?”
Jesse looked away for a moment. A nice hot meal with his old friend sounded nice. Plus it would give him a chance to find out about what had happened during his absence. It would give him a chance to find out about Jennifer.
“You say Mary Anne can’t cook?”
“Not one bit”, said Carter.
“I’d love to come have dinner”, said Jesse.
And then Carter threw his arms around Jesse in a hug.
“It’s great to see you old friend”, said Carter.
As he pulled away Jesse thought he saw tears in his friends eyes. They went about finishing the task of securing the boat to the dock and then walked into town and to Carter’s house. It was strange for Jesse to be back in Brandon. Not much had seemed to change in the town since he left and yet it felt much bigger. Much less constraining. Carter and Jesse walked the streets, Jesse taking in all the sights and sounds, the children playing in street. It didn’t seem like it had been that long ago that Jesse was once of those children running through the streets. How much longer until one of these little ones decided to leave?
After a few miles they reached Carter’s house. Carter opened the door.
“Carter is that you?” Mary Anne yelled from somewhere deep in the house.
“Yes dear. You making dinner?”
“I just started”, shouted Mary Anne.
“Well add one more to meal. I brought home a friend.” Carter smiled and winked at Jesse. “She’ll just about lose it when she finds out it’s you.”
Mary Anne walked in from the kitchen. Her brown hair had just started to grey and despite a handful of new lines on her face, Mary Anne looked exactly like she had the day Jesse had left.
“Well Carter, aren’t you going to introduce me to your guest?”
“O course dear”, smiled Carter. “This is Jesse. Jesse Howel.”
Carter stood there smiling at his wife. Mary Anne’s jaw dropped. For a second she it seemed a hint of anger crossed her face. But like a breeze, it passed and she walked over and kissed Jesse on the face.
“Twenty years does a lot to change people, said Mary Anne. If you had come back 10 years earlier I would kick you out of this house faster then you left Brandon. But there seems no sense of that now. Dinner will be ready shortly. Wash up and sit at the table.”
Mary Anne turned, kissed her husband and walked back into the kitchen, shaking her head and mumbling something to her self.
“She didn’t seem really excited to see me Carter.”
“Yeah.” Carter turned and started for the washbasin. “You have to remember how close her and Jennifer were. When you left, you destroyed Jennifer’s world. Mary Anne was there with her through it all. Her opinion of you might not be the highest but time has a way of healing old wounds.”
“Were close? What do you mean were close”, Jesse asked?
“Well that seems like a conversation that is better saved until after we eat. Come on, we’ll talk later. Let’s eat.”
Dinner was a small affair of beef and potatoes, fresh goats milk and some leftover cherry pie for dessert. Carter had given Mary Anne the short side of the stick when it came to her cooking. The food wasn’t burnt and Jesse hadn’t had a free meal that tasted this good since he left Brandon. They ate mostly in silence, only broken by the occasional question from Jesse about life for Carter and Mary Anne over the last twenty years. They lived a nice quiet life. They had gotten married and had Carter Jr shortly after. Carter Jr, as Mary Anne put it, was not at dinner because he was running around trying to find some whore to get pregnant. Carter just shook his head as if to clarify that his wife was over-reacting just slightly.
After dinner Mary Anne busied herself doing the dishes and seemingly anything that didn’t involve being in the same from as Jesse. Jesse didn’t mind. He wasn’t looking to spend a lot of time trying to justify the actions and choices he made twenty years ago to a woman who clearly had her mind made up on him.
Carter and Jesse sat in a small room that Carter called his office. He had a small desk and two nice chairs. One the desk rested a bible and a bottle of whiskey.
“You think the good Lord approves of your drinking, Carter?” Jesse said with a smile.
“Well, a sip to clear the mind never hurt anyone. Care for a drink?”
“I could use something to ease my mind.”
Carter poured two glasses and passed one to Jesse.
“So what brings you back Brandon”, Carter asked? “After all these years where no one had seen or heard from you. Twenty years Jesse! That’s quite a long time to be gone. And now you come back. Why?”
Jesse took a sip of whiskey. He glanced around Carter’s office.
“I’m not sure why I came back”, Jesse said. “I just felt like it was something I needed to do. Like it had been long enough. There was something pulling me here. I was close and had nowhere to be. So I came back home.”
“How long are you going to say”, asked Carter?
“I’m not sure. I really didn’t think this through.”
“No, it doesn’t sound like you did Jesse. But damn it’s good to see you again.”
“It’s good to see you too Carter. And Mary Anne, although I’m not sure she feels the same way. I wish Carter Jr had been around. I would’ve loved to meet him.”
“He’s like I was when I was 20, only without my sense of responsibility.”
“Boys will be boys.”
“Yeah, and mine’s a handful”, Carter took a sip of whiskey.
Jesse sat back and wondered if he should ask about Jennifer. It was all by chance that he had run into Carter and ended up in his home. His plan had been to just sleep in his boat and just hang around town for a few days and just see if he could pick up on how Jennifer was doing. Maybe he’d see her around town.
“So… How’s Jennifer?”
“Uh, yeah”, Carter shifted uncomfortably and took a deeper pull of whiskey. “I knew this was going to come up.”
“Is something wrong with Jennifer?”
“Jesse… Jennifer’s dead.”
Jesse sat in silent shock. Of all the scenarios he had gone over in his mind he’d never even considered the fact that Jennifer would be dead. The only woman he’d ever loved and he’d just found out that she was no longer with the living.
“When? How?”
“Jesse, wouldn’t it be better-“
“Damn it Carter, just tell me”, Jesse snapped. “I know I left but I think I have a right to know.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry Jesse. Jennifer came down with a fever and got sick. The doctors couldn’t put a finger on what it was that was wrong with her. She spent a month in bed, dying from the inside. She passed a year and a half ago.”
Carter stood and put a hand on his friends shoulder. “I’m sorry you had to find out like this. I’m sorry you had to find out at all.”
Carter took his seat once more and poured himself some more whiskey.
“Was she married”, Jesse asked. Did she have any children?”
Carter again looked uncomfortable and poured a little more whiskey into his glass.
“Jennifer had one kid. A girl, Ashley.”
“How old is she.”
Carter sighed. “She’s twenty Jesse.”
“Twenty?”
“That’s right Jesse. A week after you left Jennifer had discovered she was pregnant. She was disgrace. To help her keep some dignity Pat O’Brien agreed to marry her and raise the girl as his own. He died 6 years later. Jennifer never remarried. She was never really happy with Pat but she was grateful to him for what he had done. You had broken her heart and left her with a girl. Ashley was her only connection to you and as much as she loved that girl, that child was a daily reminder of how you abandoned her. And now you understand why Mary Anne hates you. Even though Pat married Jennifer and claimed that the kid was his, everyone knew that it was to save face. Everyone knew that Ashley was your little girl and you had gone off to sea to chase some dream. Jennifer’s passing was both a blessing and her curse for her. It’s amazing she didn’t die from a broken heart sooner but Ashley was enough to keep her alive. I think at the end she just gave up and let death take her, like she thought it had taken you.”
Jesse just sat, stunned. This was a lot of take in. He had a daughter. But, he didn’t really have a daughter. He could never connect with her as her father. He would probably never see her. It didn’t seem like Carter was just going to tell him how to find his daughter. And Jennifer… Had he been the cause of her death? Guilt flooded into Jesse’s heart and he began to cry.
“Why didn’t you ever write her Jesse”, Carter asked? Why didn’t you let her know you were alive and still thinking of her?”
“I wrote her everyday. Everyday I made it a habit of writing her a letter. I have twenty years of letters in my ship. But I couldn’t send the letters to her. I had left the only woman I ever loved. I knew I had made a mistake. Everyday I prayed for her and asked God to be kind to her, to help her find a way to forgive me for being a selfish and scared son of a bitch. I was scared Carter! Scared that if I had stayed and married her that my life would be boring and I would just become my father. I’d be an unhappy, angry, drunken old man. And I got scared and said I needed to travel and sail and see the world and discover myself before I married her. And you know what Carter? I was wrong. There’s nothing to discover in this world. I didn’t travel. I moved up north and became a fisherman. A fucking fisherman! I left here with no money and got a little ways up north looking for a job. I started fishing to make some money so I could move on and travel. And you know what I am twenty years later? A fisherman. Everyday I regretted leaving Jennifer. But do you think I would’ve left if I had known that she was carrying a child?”
For a long moment the two men sat in silence. Mary Anne walked in a short while later and sat on the arm of Jesse’s chair and put her arms around him.
“She always loved you Jesse”, Marry Anne said. “She never hated you for leaving. But you broke her heart and broke her world. Her life was never right after you left and Ashley was a bitter reminder of the life she wanted to have. With you.”
“Is she still in town”, Jesse asked?
“Ashley? Yes, she’s still in town.” Mary Anne was hesitant. “Why do you want to know?”
“I just want to see her. I won’t talk to her, I won’t tell her who I am. But I just want the chance to look at my girl.”
“Oh, just tell the poor man Mary Anne”, Carter urged. “It can’t hurt to let him see her. And after all he’s been through, and he’s here.”
“Please Mary Anne”, Jesse begged?
“Oh, alright. But if I come to regret this you’ll pray I’m dead the next time you show your face in Brandon. Ashley works at a café down by the docks. It’s mostly a place for dockworkers and sailors to come and get coffee. They’re open late and Ashley always works late. She’ll be there.”
“How will I know what she looks like?”
“Oh you’ll know”, Carter interjected. “You couldn’t miss her.””
“Thanks you guys so much. How can I ever repay you?”
“Just don’t cause any trouble for the girl”, Mary Anne pleaded. “That will be payment enough.”
Goodbyes were short as Jesse left the house. He decided to walk around town for a little bit and think about all he’d learned. He had fathered a child. Guilt was starting to overwhelm Jesse. He left a girl who was crazy about him all alone and pregnant. He had run away scared and ruined one girl’s life in the process.
Jesse decided to go back to his boat for a little while. Maybe he wouldn’t go to the café tonight… Maybe he wouldn’t at all.
Jesse went to his room in the rear of the boat and started reading through the letters he had written Jennifer.
Dear Jennifer,
It’s been a year since I last saw you and yet your face has never let the forefront of my mind. It’s tough to keep going forward and not come back to you. I can’t seem to make enough money fishing to support my travels. I could be fishing back in Brandon and at least there I’d have you with me. I’ve thought about coming back but it’s been a year. Would you take me back? Are you even available? For all I know you’re married and living a finer life then I could have ever hoped to give you. Which I guess is one of the reasons I left. Living the life of a fisherman isn’t what I hoped for when I left Brandon. I wanted to travel the world, to see new sights and cultures and meet interesting people. But the drunkards up north are just as interesting as the drunkards in Brandon. They’re not.
I’m sorry I left. I know you can’t possibly still be in love with me and I don’t fault you if you hate me. I’ve been living with the regret of leaving you since the day my ship set sail. I should’ve turned around and not given my foolish idea of traveling a second thought.
I love you. I always will.
Jesse P. Howel.
2.
Around midnight Jesse emerged from his ship, determined to go have a cup a coffee and see his daughter. After that he might as well leave Brandon. There was no point in staying. Jennifer was dead. He had a daughter that couldn’t know who he was. It felt wrong that he would have to leave. The girl had no living family. But no, Jesse had promised Mary Anne that he wouldn’t let the girl know who he was.
Jesse found the café easily.
“I guess there’s no better time then now.” Jesse sighed and then opened the door.
“Go ahead and sit anywhere. I’ll come by and help you in a moment.”
Jesse couldn’t move. It was as if he was looking at a ghost. Tears formed at the corners of Jesse’s eyes and he blinked them away as fast as he could. He took a table at the rear of the room where he could see the entire café. And from his seat he watched his daughter.
Ashley looked exactly like Jennifer had on the day he set sail and he had to remind himself that this was his daughter and not the ghost of his former love come back to haunt him. Ashley had every inch of beauty that her mother had and Jesse’s heart was overcome with guilt. He couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and began to weep.
“Are you alright mister?” It was Ashley. She had come to help him and he had been crying.
“Yes… yes I’m fine. Sorry dear. I’ve been away from home a long time. I have a daughter who would be about your age and I haven’t seen her many years and I guess seeing you made me miss her. Please forgive a poor mans tears.”
“Don’t worry about it. What can I get for you?”
“A cup of coffee would be nice.”
“I’ll bring that right out.”
Ashley walked back into the kitchen to fetch some coffee. Jesse pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one, hoping to relive some of the pain that now burden his mind. He didn’t know it would be this hard. How could he? He’d never met the girl. But she looks exactly like Jennifer. It was as if Jesse’s mind was playing tricks on him.
Ashley came back out with a cup and a pot of coffee. She set the cup down and poured the coffee.
“Anything else I can get you”, Ashley asked? “You want anything to eat. Ethan left for the day but I can throw something on for you.”
“No, the coffee is good. Thanks.”
“I’ve never seen you around here before. This your first time in Brandon?”
“No. But it’s been a very long time since I was in town. Probably before you were born. Just the nearest port.”
“You a fisherman?”
“Yes.”
“You have the look of a man who’s spent a lot of time at sea.”
“Most of the last 20 years has been spent at sea.”
“Well if you need more coffee, you just give a whistle.”
“Thanks dear.”
And Ashley walked away. She spent a couple of moments engaged in small talk with the two other patrons in the café before walking back into the kitchen. And Jesse began to silently cry. What had he done? This is was his daughter who was all grown up with no idea who he was. He’d left the woman he loved, alone and pregnant, to go and chase a foolish dream that never came to be. A dream he never fully gave chase to. He’d spent the last twenty years in regret, hoping that one day he’d come back and maybe he and Jennifer could find a way to make life work. But she was dead.
Jesse lit another cigarette and finished his cup of coffee. He sat in silence, reflecting over his life. What seemed like a failed life. Was this all he was meant to be?
Ashley walked over. “You want some more coffee.”
“Yes please.”
Ashley refilled his cup and moved on. Two cigarettes and another cup of coffee later and Ashley was closing down the café for the night.
“Goodnight”, said Ashley has Jesse walked out the door.
“Goodnight dear.”
Jesse lit another cigarette and walked down a side street. His mind was racing and he didn’t think sleep was going to be in his future this night. Jesse walked down to the church and sat against the doors. He was content to just sit and smoke and think for a while.
“Excuse me mister…”
“Yes”, Jesse answered. “May I help you?”
“I was wondering if you would mind sparing a smoke for an old man?”
“ I don’t mind. It’s quite alright.”
“Thanks.”
The old man walked over and sat next to Jesse. Jesse hand him a cigarette and match.
“Thanks fellow. Kind of an odd place to sit and smoke don’t you think? There are plenty of pubs still open. You waiting for the Lord to come and take you to heaven?”
“That wasn’t really my plan but not that you mention it, it doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea.”
“Not that bad of an idea? What’s wrong man?”
“Are you from around here?”
“No”, the old man smiled. “Just got in to town yesterday. My ship sets sail in the morning.”
“I see. Well I guess there’s no harm in telling you.”
“You might feel better if you talk to someone.”
“Some how I doubt that. But what the hell, it can’t hurt.”
“It sure can’t”
“My names Jesse”, Jesse offered his hand.
“Joshua”, Joshua took it.
“Nice to meet you Joshua.”
“You too Jesse. So what’s got to all ready to die?”
“I’m from Brandon. Born and raised here. Spent the first 25 years of my life living here. My mom died early on in my life leaving my dad to take of me. He did a fine job but without my mom, my dad was a miserable man. He worked as a blacksmith. Hated every minute of it. He was just a mean spirited, drunk old man. I don’t blame him. Life was hard on him and he wasn’t prepared to raise a son alone. He died when I was in my teens. Left me the blacksmith shop to run. Anyway, I met a girl. Jennifer O’Malley. Had the deepest, prettiest green eyes you ever saw. She was and is still to this day the most beautiful girl I’ve ever had the privilege to lay my eyes on. We were young and in love. And we were going to get married. That was, until I got scared. I didn’t want to end up miserable like my dad. I wasn’t going to allow that to happen. So I decided I’d take some time and spend a year or two traveling and then come back. I was young and wanted to see the world. So I left Jennifer here. Broke her poor heart. I made it up north a little ways, ran out of money and started fishing. Never worked out enough money to travel and stayed up north fishing. For the last twenty years I’ve been fishing. I never came back for Jennifer. But you know what’s worse? I just found out tonight that when I left Jennifer here, I had also left her with a child. She found out she was pregnant not a week after I had left. And I just had the pleasure of seeing my daughter for the first time. And she looks just like her mom. And now the guilt and regret that I’ve been pushing aside for the last twenty years has surfaced in full. And that’s why I’m sitting her in front of a church smoking. That’s why I’m willing to let the Lord take my life. Because this isn’t worth it.”
Jesse began to cry loudly and without shame. Joshua just sat, listening intently.
“And now my plan is to just get back in my boat and sail off in the morning. I don’t know what I’m going to do or where I’m going to go. But I don’t think I can stay here or go back to fishing.”
“Did… did you think about telling the girl who you were”, Joshua questioned?
“I promised I wouldn’t. I promised I wouldn’t cause anymore trouble.”
“She might want to know.”
“No! It doesn’t matter. I can’t tell her that her real father is a jerk that ran away from her mom before he knew she was pregnant to become a fisherman.”
“She might not care. The girl might need someone in her life.”
“I can’t do it. No matter how deeply I want to, I can’t.”
“Suit yourself.”
They sat in silence for a moment longer. Just listening to the breeze come off over the ocean. Joshua finished his cigarette and stood.
“I thank you for the smoke Jesse. You’re a good man. No matter what your past failings our, you are a good man. You’ve let this mistake torture you for far to long. God has forgiven you son. He forgives all men who ask for repentance and you look like a man who’s been asking for repentance for twenty years.”
“You got that right.”
“At some point you need to let go. At some point you need to let God heal your broken heart. Let him take your misery. You might not be angry like you’re father but you’re living the same life of misery he did. But you don’t have to. Accept God’s forgiveness and move on. Start living your life. You’re not that old a man Jesse. You have life to give yet. Find it in your heart to forgive yourself.”
Jesse stood and walked to Joshua. They embraced in a hug.
“I’m glad you need a cigarette tonight. And I’m glad you don’t mind listening to the history of sailor.”
“No problem Jesse”, Joshua smiled. “It’s what I do.”
And with that Joshua walked off into the distance. And Jesse walked back to his boat.
Dear God,
It’s been a while since we’ve talked. I’m not sure what to say. I know Jennifer’s up inn heaven with you now. Will you let her now that I’m so sorry for leaving her? It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I always loved her.
God I’ve been walking around with this guilt on my heart for a long time now. And I can’t take it anymore lord. Please take this pain away. I’m sorry for leaving Jennifer to fend for herself. I’m sorry that I had gotten her pregnant and then ran away. I’m sorry that I wasn’t around to be Ashley’s father. God I know I’ve made a mess of people’s lives and I’m asking you to forgive me. Take away this burden that’s been eating away at my soul for so long. Help to move forward with my life. Help me to live.
Amen
Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor
3.
Jesse awoke mid-morning and went to the café for breakfast and coffee.
“Good morning”, Ashley smiled as he walked in.
“Good morning.”
Jesse sat at the same table he had the night before. The café was more full this morning, giving Ashley more work to do then she had the night before. It gave Jesse more time to watch his daughter. He was proud. She was a gorgeous young woman with the warmest smile he’d seen ever. Every good trait that Jennifer has, Jesse could see that they had been passed to Ashley.
“What can I get you this morning”, Ashley asked?
“You guys have pancakes?”
“We sure do.”
“I’ll have an some pancakes and coffee.”
“Coming right up.”
Ashley walked back into the kitchen and came back a moment later with a cup of coffee for Jesse. Jesse drank his coffee in silence, just admiring his little girl. She brought him his pancakes and went about her tasks. Jesse ate his breakfast and drank his coffee, a sense of relief and peace in his heart for this first time in years.
As he got up to leave, Ashley walked over to him.
“You sailing out today?”
“Yeah. Don’t want to overstay my welcome.”
“Well when you see your daughter, give her a kiss.”
Jesse gave Ashley a hug and kissed her on the cheek. “I will.”
Jesse walked down to Carter and Mary Anne’s house to say goodbye before leaving town. He knocked on the door. Mary Anne answered.
“Good morning Jesse.” Carter’s down at the docks.”
“I assumed as much. I’m headed out today. I wanted to say goodbye.”
“Did you see the girl?”
“I did.”
“And?”
“She’s beautiful.”
“And…?”
“And I didn’t tell her who I was. We didn’t talk much but I didn’t tell her who I was.
“Thank you Jesse. You have become a good man. Where are you sailing to?”
“I’m not sure. I think this time I might actually travel the world.”
“That will be nice. Please don’t let it be another twenty years before we see you in Brandon again.”
“It won’t be.”
“Take care Jesse.”
“You too Mary Anne. It was good to see you. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”
Jesse walked down to the dock to prepare his boat for departure and to say goodbye to his only real friend in the world.
“Leaving so soon?” Carter glared at Jesse from across the dock.
“I think it’s time to move on.”
“Yeah well, you weren’t going to leave without saying goodbye again were you?”
“I went to your house.” I knew you were down here. I wasn’t going to leave before talking to you.”
“Yeah I bet. You go visit Ashley?”
“I did. Thanks for letting me know about her.”
“Anything for a friend.”
The two of them prepped the boat, making sure everything was in order for Jesse’s trip.
Jesse turned to Carter. “What ship set sail early this morning?
“Uh… no ship set sail this morning Jesse.”
“Hm… I met an old man last night that said his ship was setting sail this morning. They had pulled in day before yesterday.”
“Jesse your ship is the only ship that’s pulled into Brandon in the last month. Were you drinking much last night?”
“All I had was the glass of whiskey at your house. And I know I talked to an old man last night. A tall guy with long grey hair and beard. You haven’t seen anyone like that in town.”
“You’re the closet looking person that fits that description Jesse. Are you sure it wasn’t as dream?”
“I’m telling you Carter, I sat in front of the doors of the church, smoking cigarettes and talking to an old man. He was there. I’m not crazy.”
“Alright, alright Jesse. I believe you.”
“If you happen to see anyone that fits my description, tell him Jesse said thanks.
“Of course I will Jesse.
The two friends hugged and said goodbye. Jesse climbed aboard his boat and waved one last time. Then he set sail. Letting the wind be his guide, no particular destination in mind.
Dear God,
Thanks for your angels.
Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor
Warning: Explicit language used
The Unwed Sailor
There are moments in our life when we find what we’ve been looking for. There are moments when we need to leave what we’ve been looking for just to make sure that’s really what we want. And sometimes we get scared and run away. At the time it seemed like I needed to just discover more about myself before settling down. Looking back I can see that I was scared and just ran away.
But I’ve spent many years at sea and I’ve spent far too much time reflecting on the mistakes of my youth. I can’t say I would’ve done anything differently. Some mistakes have to be made for us to realize that it was even a mistake. I knew leaving wasn’t the right choice but I was young and ambitious.
I pray that Jennifer has found happiness and married and had the family that she wanted. And I pray that somehow she can find it in her heart to forgive me. If there’s a God, I hope he was kind to her. Kinder then I was.
Tomorrow I return home. 20 years from the day I set sail, the day that changed her and my life forever. I don’t know why know seems like the right time to go back… Maybe there is no good time to return. Which makes now as good as ever. I’m not sure anyone will recognize me, which is what I’m hoping for. I don’t think I have a life here… But I need to come back.
We’ll reach port at sunset. From there… Who knows what will happen.
Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor
1.
The sun was slowly fading into its evening slumber, the sky over the sea the color of fire. Night was fast approaching as the ship pulled into dock. It was odd time for a ship to come in. This wasn’t a standard fishing ship or a navel vessel. But most of the town had started to turn in for the night and this strange occurrence went largely unnoticed.
As Jesse stepped from his boat, looking for the rope to tie The Unwed Sailor to the pier, a man stepped up to offer a hand.
“Evening. Need a hand”?
“That would great”, said Jesse. “Thanks.”
“This is one odd looking ship, we don’t see to many of these.”
“It’s an old merchant vessel”, said Jesse.
“You looking to sell to something here?”
“No”, said Jesse. “I’m returning home.”
“Home? I don’t remember a merchant leaving here recently. And I sure as hell don’t recognize you.”
“Well it’s been a while since I left”, said Jesse. “Twenty years to exact.”
The man’s eyes opened wide in recognition.
“Jesse Howel? Is that really you?”
“As I live breathe Carter”, said Jesse.
“You remember me!” exclaimed Carter. “After all these year you can stand on your ugly little boat and remember your best friend and not say a word?”
“I figured sooner or later the conversation would get around to who I was. I knew you’d get it.”
Carter just stood there in amazement. It was like he was talking to a ghost.
“You know people thought you died when you never wrote and never came back.”
“I wrote… I just never sent the letters”, Jesse said sheepishly. “How have you been Carter? I can see you’re still working the dock.”
“Not a thing has changed in twenty years. I’m old and I’m married. And I have one lazy ass son who should be down here helping me” said Carter.
“You marry Mary Anne like you were planning?”
“Yeah” Cater beamed. “Just after you sailed out. Hey, why don’t you come home with me for dinner? I know Mary Anne would love to see you again. And even though she can’t cook for shit, it has to be better then whatever you have on that boat. What do you say?”
Jesse looked away for a moment. A nice hot meal with his old friend sounded nice. Plus it would give him a chance to find out about what had happened during his absence. It would give him a chance to find out about Jennifer.
“You say Mary Anne can’t cook?”
“Not one bit”, said Carter.
“I’d love to come have dinner”, said Jesse.
And then Carter threw his arms around Jesse in a hug.
“It’s great to see you old friend”, said Carter.
As he pulled away Jesse thought he saw tears in his friends eyes. They went about finishing the task of securing the boat to the dock and then walked into town and to Carter’s house. It was strange for Jesse to be back in Brandon. Not much had seemed to change in the town since he left and yet it felt much bigger. Much less constraining. Carter and Jesse walked the streets, Jesse taking in all the sights and sounds, the children playing in street. It didn’t seem like it had been that long ago that Jesse was once of those children running through the streets. How much longer until one of these little ones decided to leave?
After a few miles they reached Carter’s house. Carter opened the door.
“Carter is that you?” Mary Anne yelled from somewhere deep in the house.
“Yes dear. You making dinner?”
“I just started”, shouted Mary Anne.
“Well add one more to meal. I brought home a friend.” Carter smiled and winked at Jesse. “She’ll just about lose it when she finds out it’s you.”
Mary Anne walked in from the kitchen. Her brown hair had just started to grey and despite a handful of new lines on her face, Mary Anne looked exactly like she had the day Jesse had left.
“Well Carter, aren’t you going to introduce me to your guest?”
“O course dear”, smiled Carter. “This is Jesse. Jesse Howel.”
Carter stood there smiling at his wife. Mary Anne’s jaw dropped. For a second she it seemed a hint of anger crossed her face. But like a breeze, it passed and she walked over and kissed Jesse on the face.
“Twenty years does a lot to change people, said Mary Anne. If you had come back 10 years earlier I would kick you out of this house faster then you left Brandon. But there seems no sense of that now. Dinner will be ready shortly. Wash up and sit at the table.”
Mary Anne turned, kissed her husband and walked back into the kitchen, shaking her head and mumbling something to her self.
“She didn’t seem really excited to see me Carter.”
“Yeah.” Carter turned and started for the washbasin. “You have to remember how close her and Jennifer were. When you left, you destroyed Jennifer’s world. Mary Anne was there with her through it all. Her opinion of you might not be the highest but time has a way of healing old wounds.”
“Were close? What do you mean were close”, Jesse asked?
“Well that seems like a conversation that is better saved until after we eat. Come on, we’ll talk later. Let’s eat.”
Dinner was a small affair of beef and potatoes, fresh goats milk and some leftover cherry pie for dessert. Carter had given Mary Anne the short side of the stick when it came to her cooking. The food wasn’t burnt and Jesse hadn’t had a free meal that tasted this good since he left Brandon. They ate mostly in silence, only broken by the occasional question from Jesse about life for Carter and Mary Anne over the last twenty years. They lived a nice quiet life. They had gotten married and had Carter Jr shortly after. Carter Jr, as Mary Anne put it, was not at dinner because he was running around trying to find some whore to get pregnant. Carter just shook his head as if to clarify that his wife was over-reacting just slightly.
After dinner Mary Anne busied herself doing the dishes and seemingly anything that didn’t involve being in the same from as Jesse. Jesse didn’t mind. He wasn’t looking to spend a lot of time trying to justify the actions and choices he made twenty years ago to a woman who clearly had her mind made up on him.
Carter and Jesse sat in a small room that Carter called his office. He had a small desk and two nice chairs. One the desk rested a bible and a bottle of whiskey.
“You think the good Lord approves of your drinking, Carter?” Jesse said with a smile.
“Well, a sip to clear the mind never hurt anyone. Care for a drink?”
“I could use something to ease my mind.”
Carter poured two glasses and passed one to Jesse.
“So what brings you back Brandon”, Carter asked? “After all these years where no one had seen or heard from you. Twenty years Jesse! That’s quite a long time to be gone. And now you come back. Why?”
Jesse took a sip of whiskey. He glanced around Carter’s office.
“I’m not sure why I came back”, Jesse said. “I just felt like it was something I needed to do. Like it had been long enough. There was something pulling me here. I was close and had nowhere to be. So I came back home.”
“How long are you going to say”, asked Carter?
“I’m not sure. I really didn’t think this through.”
“No, it doesn’t sound like you did Jesse. But damn it’s good to see you again.”
“It’s good to see you too Carter. And Mary Anne, although I’m not sure she feels the same way. I wish Carter Jr had been around. I would’ve loved to meet him.”
“He’s like I was when I was 20, only without my sense of responsibility.”
“Boys will be boys.”
“Yeah, and mine’s a handful”, Carter took a sip of whiskey.
Jesse sat back and wondered if he should ask about Jennifer. It was all by chance that he had run into Carter and ended up in his home. His plan had been to just sleep in his boat and just hang around town for a few days and just see if he could pick up on how Jennifer was doing. Maybe he’d see her around town.
“So… How’s Jennifer?”
“Uh, yeah”, Carter shifted uncomfortably and took a deeper pull of whiskey. “I knew this was going to come up.”
“Is something wrong with Jennifer?”
“Jesse… Jennifer’s dead.”
Jesse sat in silent shock. Of all the scenarios he had gone over in his mind he’d never even considered the fact that Jennifer would be dead. The only woman he’d ever loved and he’d just found out that she was no longer with the living.
“When? How?”
“Jesse, wouldn’t it be better-“
“Damn it Carter, just tell me”, Jesse snapped. “I know I left but I think I have a right to know.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry Jesse. Jennifer came down with a fever and got sick. The doctors couldn’t put a finger on what it was that was wrong with her. She spent a month in bed, dying from the inside. She passed a year and a half ago.”
Carter stood and put a hand on his friends shoulder. “I’m sorry you had to find out like this. I’m sorry you had to find out at all.”
Carter took his seat once more and poured himself some more whiskey.
“Was she married”, Jesse asked. Did she have any children?”
Carter again looked uncomfortable and poured a little more whiskey into his glass.
“Jennifer had one kid. A girl, Ashley.”
“How old is she.”
Carter sighed. “She’s twenty Jesse.”
“Twenty?”
“That’s right Jesse. A week after you left Jennifer had discovered she was pregnant. She was disgrace. To help her keep some dignity Pat O’Brien agreed to marry her and raise the girl as his own. He died 6 years later. Jennifer never remarried. She was never really happy with Pat but she was grateful to him for what he had done. You had broken her heart and left her with a girl. Ashley was her only connection to you and as much as she loved that girl, that child was a daily reminder of how you abandoned her. And now you understand why Mary Anne hates you. Even though Pat married Jennifer and claimed that the kid was his, everyone knew that it was to save face. Everyone knew that Ashley was your little girl and you had gone off to sea to chase some dream. Jennifer’s passing was both a blessing and her curse for her. It’s amazing she didn’t die from a broken heart sooner but Ashley was enough to keep her alive. I think at the end she just gave up and let death take her, like she thought it had taken you.”
Jesse just sat, stunned. This was a lot of take in. He had a daughter. But, he didn’t really have a daughter. He could never connect with her as her father. He would probably never see her. It didn’t seem like Carter was just going to tell him how to find his daughter. And Jennifer… Had he been the cause of her death? Guilt flooded into Jesse’s heart and he began to cry.
“Why didn’t you ever write her Jesse”, Carter asked? Why didn’t you let her know you were alive and still thinking of her?”
“I wrote her everyday. Everyday I made it a habit of writing her a letter. I have twenty years of letters in my ship. But I couldn’t send the letters to her. I had left the only woman I ever loved. I knew I had made a mistake. Everyday I prayed for her and asked God to be kind to her, to help her find a way to forgive me for being a selfish and scared son of a bitch. I was scared Carter! Scared that if I had stayed and married her that my life would be boring and I would just become my father. I’d be an unhappy, angry, drunken old man. And I got scared and said I needed to travel and sail and see the world and discover myself before I married her. And you know what Carter? I was wrong. There’s nothing to discover in this world. I didn’t travel. I moved up north and became a fisherman. A fucking fisherman! I left here with no money and got a little ways up north looking for a job. I started fishing to make some money so I could move on and travel. And you know what I am twenty years later? A fisherman. Everyday I regretted leaving Jennifer. But do you think I would’ve left if I had known that she was carrying a child?”
For a long moment the two men sat in silence. Mary Anne walked in a short while later and sat on the arm of Jesse’s chair and put her arms around him.
“She always loved you Jesse”, Marry Anne said. “She never hated you for leaving. But you broke her heart and broke her world. Her life was never right after you left and Ashley was a bitter reminder of the life she wanted to have. With you.”
“Is she still in town”, Jesse asked?
“Ashley? Yes, she’s still in town.” Mary Anne was hesitant. “Why do you want to know?”
“I just want to see her. I won’t talk to her, I won’t tell her who I am. But I just want the chance to look at my girl.”
“Oh, just tell the poor man Mary Anne”, Carter urged. “It can’t hurt to let him see her. And after all he’s been through, and he’s here.”
“Please Mary Anne”, Jesse begged?
“Oh, alright. But if I come to regret this you’ll pray I’m dead the next time you show your face in Brandon. Ashley works at a café down by the docks. It’s mostly a place for dockworkers and sailors to come and get coffee. They’re open late and Ashley always works late. She’ll be there.”
“How will I know what she looks like?”
“Oh you’ll know”, Carter interjected. “You couldn’t miss her.””
“Thanks you guys so much. How can I ever repay you?”
“Just don’t cause any trouble for the girl”, Mary Anne pleaded. “That will be payment enough.”
Goodbyes were short as Jesse left the house. He decided to walk around town for a little bit and think about all he’d learned. He had fathered a child. Guilt was starting to overwhelm Jesse. He left a girl who was crazy about him all alone and pregnant. He had run away scared and ruined one girl’s life in the process.
Jesse decided to go back to his boat for a little while. Maybe he wouldn’t go to the café tonight… Maybe he wouldn’t at all.
Jesse went to his room in the rear of the boat and started reading through the letters he had written Jennifer.
Dear Jennifer,
It’s been a year since I last saw you and yet your face has never let the forefront of my mind. It’s tough to keep going forward and not come back to you. I can’t seem to make enough money fishing to support my travels. I could be fishing back in Brandon and at least there I’d have you with me. I’ve thought about coming back but it’s been a year. Would you take me back? Are you even available? For all I know you’re married and living a finer life then I could have ever hoped to give you. Which I guess is one of the reasons I left. Living the life of a fisherman isn’t what I hoped for when I left Brandon. I wanted to travel the world, to see new sights and cultures and meet interesting people. But the drunkards up north are just as interesting as the drunkards in Brandon. They’re not.
I’m sorry I left. I know you can’t possibly still be in love with me and I don’t fault you if you hate me. I’ve been living with the regret of leaving you since the day my ship set sail. I should’ve turned around and not given my foolish idea of traveling a second thought.
I love you. I always will.
Jesse P. Howel.
2.
Around midnight Jesse emerged from his ship, determined to go have a cup a coffee and see his daughter. After that he might as well leave Brandon. There was no point in staying. Jennifer was dead. He had a daughter that couldn’t know who he was. It felt wrong that he would have to leave. The girl had no living family. But no, Jesse had promised Mary Anne that he wouldn’t let the girl know who he was.
Jesse found the café easily.
“I guess there’s no better time then now.” Jesse sighed and then opened the door.
“Go ahead and sit anywhere. I’ll come by and help you in a moment.”
Jesse couldn’t move. It was as if he was looking at a ghost. Tears formed at the corners of Jesse’s eyes and he blinked them away as fast as he could. He took a table at the rear of the room where he could see the entire café. And from his seat he watched his daughter.
Ashley looked exactly like Jennifer had on the day he set sail and he had to remind himself that this was his daughter and not the ghost of his former love come back to haunt him. Ashley had every inch of beauty that her mother had and Jesse’s heart was overcome with guilt. He couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and began to weep.
“Are you alright mister?” It was Ashley. She had come to help him and he had been crying.
“Yes… yes I’m fine. Sorry dear. I’ve been away from home a long time. I have a daughter who would be about your age and I haven’t seen her many years and I guess seeing you made me miss her. Please forgive a poor mans tears.”
“Don’t worry about it. What can I get for you?”
“A cup of coffee would be nice.”
“I’ll bring that right out.”
Ashley walked back into the kitchen to fetch some coffee. Jesse pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one, hoping to relive some of the pain that now burden his mind. He didn’t know it would be this hard. How could he? He’d never met the girl. But she looks exactly like Jennifer. It was as if Jesse’s mind was playing tricks on him.
Ashley came back out with a cup and a pot of coffee. She set the cup down and poured the coffee.
“Anything else I can get you”, Ashley asked? “You want anything to eat. Ethan left for the day but I can throw something on for you.”
“No, the coffee is good. Thanks.”
“I’ve never seen you around here before. This your first time in Brandon?”
“No. But it’s been a very long time since I was in town. Probably before you were born. Just the nearest port.”
“You a fisherman?”
“Yes.”
“You have the look of a man who’s spent a lot of time at sea.”
“Most of the last 20 years has been spent at sea.”
“Well if you need more coffee, you just give a whistle.”
“Thanks dear.”
And Ashley walked away. She spent a couple of moments engaged in small talk with the two other patrons in the café before walking back into the kitchen. And Jesse began to silently cry. What had he done? This is was his daughter who was all grown up with no idea who he was. He’d left the woman he loved, alone and pregnant, to go and chase a foolish dream that never came to be. A dream he never fully gave chase to. He’d spent the last twenty years in regret, hoping that one day he’d come back and maybe he and Jennifer could find a way to make life work. But she was dead.
Jesse lit another cigarette and finished his cup of coffee. He sat in silence, reflecting over his life. What seemed like a failed life. Was this all he was meant to be?
Ashley walked over. “You want some more coffee.”
“Yes please.”
Ashley refilled his cup and moved on. Two cigarettes and another cup of coffee later and Ashley was closing down the café for the night.
“Goodnight”, said Ashley has Jesse walked out the door.
“Goodnight dear.”
Jesse lit another cigarette and walked down a side street. His mind was racing and he didn’t think sleep was going to be in his future this night. Jesse walked down to the church and sat against the doors. He was content to just sit and smoke and think for a while.
“Excuse me mister…”
“Yes”, Jesse answered. “May I help you?”
“I was wondering if you would mind sparing a smoke for an old man?”
“ I don’t mind. It’s quite alright.”
“Thanks.”
The old man walked over and sat next to Jesse. Jesse hand him a cigarette and match.
“Thanks fellow. Kind of an odd place to sit and smoke don’t you think? There are plenty of pubs still open. You waiting for the Lord to come and take you to heaven?”
“That wasn’t really my plan but not that you mention it, it doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea.”
“Not that bad of an idea? What’s wrong man?”
“Are you from around here?”
“No”, the old man smiled. “Just got in to town yesterday. My ship sets sail in the morning.”
“I see. Well I guess there’s no harm in telling you.”
“You might feel better if you talk to someone.”
“Some how I doubt that. But what the hell, it can’t hurt.”
“It sure can’t”
“My names Jesse”, Jesse offered his hand.
“Joshua”, Joshua took it.
“Nice to meet you Joshua.”
“You too Jesse. So what’s got to all ready to die?”
“I’m from Brandon. Born and raised here. Spent the first 25 years of my life living here. My mom died early on in my life leaving my dad to take of me. He did a fine job but without my mom, my dad was a miserable man. He worked as a blacksmith. Hated every minute of it. He was just a mean spirited, drunk old man. I don’t blame him. Life was hard on him and he wasn’t prepared to raise a son alone. He died when I was in my teens. Left me the blacksmith shop to run. Anyway, I met a girl. Jennifer O’Malley. Had the deepest, prettiest green eyes you ever saw. She was and is still to this day the most beautiful girl I’ve ever had the privilege to lay my eyes on. We were young and in love. And we were going to get married. That was, until I got scared. I didn’t want to end up miserable like my dad. I wasn’t going to allow that to happen. So I decided I’d take some time and spend a year or two traveling and then come back. I was young and wanted to see the world. So I left Jennifer here. Broke her poor heart. I made it up north a little ways, ran out of money and started fishing. Never worked out enough money to travel and stayed up north fishing. For the last twenty years I’ve been fishing. I never came back for Jennifer. But you know what’s worse? I just found out tonight that when I left Jennifer here, I had also left her with a child. She found out she was pregnant not a week after I had left. And I just had the pleasure of seeing my daughter for the first time. And she looks just like her mom. And now the guilt and regret that I’ve been pushing aside for the last twenty years has surfaced in full. And that’s why I’m sitting her in front of a church smoking. That’s why I’m willing to let the Lord take my life. Because this isn’t worth it.”
Jesse began to cry loudly and without shame. Joshua just sat, listening intently.
“And now my plan is to just get back in my boat and sail off in the morning. I don’t know what I’m going to do or where I’m going to go. But I don’t think I can stay here or go back to fishing.”
“Did… did you think about telling the girl who you were”, Joshua questioned?
“I promised I wouldn’t. I promised I wouldn’t cause anymore trouble.”
“She might want to know.”
“No! It doesn’t matter. I can’t tell her that her real father is a jerk that ran away from her mom before he knew she was pregnant to become a fisherman.”
“She might not care. The girl might need someone in her life.”
“I can’t do it. No matter how deeply I want to, I can’t.”
“Suit yourself.”
They sat in silence for a moment longer. Just listening to the breeze come off over the ocean. Joshua finished his cigarette and stood.
“I thank you for the smoke Jesse. You’re a good man. No matter what your past failings our, you are a good man. You’ve let this mistake torture you for far to long. God has forgiven you son. He forgives all men who ask for repentance and you look like a man who’s been asking for repentance for twenty years.”
“You got that right.”
“At some point you need to let go. At some point you need to let God heal your broken heart. Let him take your misery. You might not be angry like you’re father but you’re living the same life of misery he did. But you don’t have to. Accept God’s forgiveness and move on. Start living your life. You’re not that old a man Jesse. You have life to give yet. Find it in your heart to forgive yourself.”
Jesse stood and walked to Joshua. They embraced in a hug.
“I’m glad you need a cigarette tonight. And I’m glad you don’t mind listening to the history of sailor.”
“No problem Jesse”, Joshua smiled. “It’s what I do.”
And with that Joshua walked off into the distance. And Jesse walked back to his boat.
Dear God,
It’s been a while since we’ve talked. I’m not sure what to say. I know Jennifer’s up inn heaven with you now. Will you let her now that I’m so sorry for leaving her? It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I always loved her.
God I’ve been walking around with this guilt on my heart for a long time now. And I can’t take it anymore lord. Please take this pain away. I’m sorry for leaving Jennifer to fend for herself. I’m sorry that I had gotten her pregnant and then ran away. I’m sorry that I wasn’t around to be Ashley’s father. God I know I’ve made a mess of people’s lives and I’m asking you to forgive me. Take away this burden that’s been eating away at my soul for so long. Help to move forward with my life. Help me to live.
Amen
Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor
3.
Jesse awoke mid-morning and went to the café for breakfast and coffee.
“Good morning”, Ashley smiled as he walked in.
“Good morning.”
Jesse sat at the same table he had the night before. The café was more full this morning, giving Ashley more work to do then she had the night before. It gave Jesse more time to watch his daughter. He was proud. She was a gorgeous young woman with the warmest smile he’d seen ever. Every good trait that Jennifer has, Jesse could see that they had been passed to Ashley.
“What can I get you this morning”, Ashley asked?
“You guys have pancakes?”
“We sure do.”
“I’ll have an some pancakes and coffee.”
“Coming right up.”
Ashley walked back into the kitchen and came back a moment later with a cup of coffee for Jesse. Jesse drank his coffee in silence, just admiring his little girl. She brought him his pancakes and went about her tasks. Jesse ate his breakfast and drank his coffee, a sense of relief and peace in his heart for this first time in years.
As he got up to leave, Ashley walked over to him.
“You sailing out today?”
“Yeah. Don’t want to overstay my welcome.”
“Well when you see your daughter, give her a kiss.”
Jesse gave Ashley a hug and kissed her on the cheek. “I will.”
Jesse walked down to Carter and Mary Anne’s house to say goodbye before leaving town. He knocked on the door. Mary Anne answered.
“Good morning Jesse.” Carter’s down at the docks.”
“I assumed as much. I’m headed out today. I wanted to say goodbye.”
“Did you see the girl?”
“I did.”
“And?”
“She’s beautiful.”
“And…?”
“And I didn’t tell her who I was. We didn’t talk much but I didn’t tell her who I was.
“Thank you Jesse. You have become a good man. Where are you sailing to?”
“I’m not sure. I think this time I might actually travel the world.”
“That will be nice. Please don’t let it be another twenty years before we see you in Brandon again.”
“It won’t be.”
“Take care Jesse.”
“You too Mary Anne. It was good to see you. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”
Jesse walked down to the dock to prepare his boat for departure and to say goodbye to his only real friend in the world.
“Leaving so soon?” Carter glared at Jesse from across the dock.
“I think it’s time to move on.”
“Yeah well, you weren’t going to leave without saying goodbye again were you?”
“I went to your house.” I knew you were down here. I wasn’t going to leave before talking to you.”
“Yeah I bet. You go visit Ashley?”
“I did. Thanks for letting me know about her.”
“Anything for a friend.”
The two of them prepped the boat, making sure everything was in order for Jesse’s trip.
Jesse turned to Carter. “What ship set sail early this morning?
“Uh… no ship set sail this morning Jesse.”
“Hm… I met an old man last night that said his ship was setting sail this morning. They had pulled in day before yesterday.”
“Jesse your ship is the only ship that’s pulled into Brandon in the last month. Were you drinking much last night?”
“All I had was the glass of whiskey at your house. And I know I talked to an old man last night. A tall guy with long grey hair and beard. You haven’t seen anyone like that in town.”
“You’re the closet looking person that fits that description Jesse. Are you sure it wasn’t as dream?”
“I’m telling you Carter, I sat in front of the doors of the church, smoking cigarettes and talking to an old man. He was there. I’m not crazy.”
“Alright, alright Jesse. I believe you.”
“If you happen to see anyone that fits my description, tell him Jesse said thanks.
“Of course I will Jesse.
The two friends hugged and said goodbye. Jesse climbed aboard his boat and waved one last time. Then he set sail. Letting the wind be his guide, no particular destination in mind.
Dear God,
Thanks for your angels.
Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor
Monday, April 26, 2010
A Million Miles, No Adventure
My life is floating away in the thoughts that stream from my head
This daydream life my escape from the harsh reality of boring every day me
Have I become too wrapped up in what my minds eye sees
Ignoring the reality of my daily responsibilities
Celebrity conversations over airwaves as my knowledge is leaked upon the universe
But the truth is my notebook scribbling is known only by God
I pray daily for my world to open up to real life adventures
But the sex appeal of my created world keeps me from living up to my full potential
God break me from my self created universe
For my fear is it will swallow all the joy I'm supposed to be having
This daydream life my escape from the harsh reality of boring every day me
Have I become too wrapped up in what my minds eye sees
Ignoring the reality of my daily responsibilities
Celebrity conversations over airwaves as my knowledge is leaked upon the universe
But the truth is my notebook scribbling is known only by God
I pray daily for my world to open up to real life adventures
But the sex appeal of my created world keeps me from living up to my full potential
God break me from my self created universe
For my fear is it will swallow all the joy I'm supposed to be having
Monday, March 15, 2010
Fairy Tale Princess Love
Her smile shines like a chandelier, casting the room in extravagant illumination
She waltzes from her table with a grace that makes even the most classed of women jealous
Her beauty shines brighter then all other in the room but she is too insecure to know how gorgeous she is
Her eyes burn with a fire so deep that only a glance into her soul will melt your heart
My world is at a loss for words when trying to attempt what I call conversation
And she smiles and indulges me for long enough to know that this is more the her being polite
It is a mystery beyond my comprehension, why she stands to hold me in her court
Beauty and the beast. Only instead of of the beast, I'm a bumbling artist of no concern to her or the rest of the world
Yet she has treated my like royalty, like someone who belongs to be a part of her world of fine living
She has found something inside of my broken down exterior to latch unto and to love
My exit goes unnoticed by all but one, the fairly tale princess
I wander away in a world all my own, my mind racing and excited for the chance I had with her
When from behind she grabs me by the shoulders and spins me around
For a moment stretching towards forever our eyes search the others for a sign
And then we kiss a kiss of passion so untamed that I hear fireworks in the background
Then she turns back and disappears into the dark...
And I'm left to wonder if we'll ever meet again, my fairy tale princess love
She waltzes from her table with a grace that makes even the most classed of women jealous
Her beauty shines brighter then all other in the room but she is too insecure to know how gorgeous she is
Her eyes burn with a fire so deep that only a glance into her soul will melt your heart
My world is at a loss for words when trying to attempt what I call conversation
And she smiles and indulges me for long enough to know that this is more the her being polite
It is a mystery beyond my comprehension, why she stands to hold me in her court
Beauty and the beast. Only instead of of the beast, I'm a bumbling artist of no concern to her or the rest of the world
Yet she has treated my like royalty, like someone who belongs to be a part of her world of fine living
She has found something inside of my broken down exterior to latch unto and to love
My exit goes unnoticed by all but one, the fairly tale princess
I wander away in a world all my own, my mind racing and excited for the chance I had with her
When from behind she grabs me by the shoulders and spins me around
For a moment stretching towards forever our eyes search the others for a sign
And then we kiss a kiss of passion so untamed that I hear fireworks in the background
Then she turns back and disappears into the dark...
And I'm left to wonder if we'll ever meet again, my fairy tale princess love
Friday, March 12, 2010
It rained all month... And the it was Spring
When pen and paper kiss their love creates the most beautiful sonnet, waiting to be read by you or I
Music flows off the page and into the hearts of those who hear
And I stand back and look at the world around me
I take you by the arm and we run through the fields together
I ask for your hand in marriage, to spend my life with you
You said maybe like a song, but maybe is a song with a lot chords and no melody
You walked back into town and lay quietly alone
The world's greatest artist were all tortured soul. Painfully brilliant until they day they died
And I am an unknown poet without a song on my lips
The words have been choked by the hand of evil, hoping that beauty will lose ground to the ache within my soul
Stand firm on the waves of the ocean that is life
For hopelessness will eventually give ground to bright blue skies
Music flows off the page and into the hearts of those who hear
And I stand back and look at the world around me
I take you by the arm and we run through the fields together
I ask for your hand in marriage, to spend my life with you
You said maybe like a song, but maybe is a song with a lot chords and no melody
You walked back into town and lay quietly alone
The world's greatest artist were all tortured soul. Painfully brilliant until they day they died
And I am an unknown poet without a song on my lips
The words have been choked by the hand of evil, hoping that beauty will lose ground to the ache within my soul
Stand firm on the waves of the ocean that is life
For hopelessness will eventually give ground to bright blue skies
Saturday, March 06, 2010
The Poet's Death
I am but a frail exterior of everything you've dreamed for me. I have wasted this life you have bestowed to me. I write but a fragment of the words you lay in my mind. A million lines of beautiful poetry lay dead at the bottom of the ocean that is my heart. I breathe without love, a sin for which I should've died long years ago. My hands create hate, while my heart is a murderer. All the good you've destined for me, and yet my words fall short night after night. My once clean slate has filled with evil intentions and lustful desires. But grace has fallen like a spring time rain, and I have bathed till my canvas was blank again, only to fall back into the mud that has plagued me for far too long. I know that you'll continue to forget the heartache that I cause time and time again. My heart is broken open with the continual pain of grief that comprises my daily existence. I stand alone, waiting for the briefest sense of peace to come and still my heart. Praying that the love of God would somehow penetrate my hardened heart.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunrise Grace
I strike a match, a final chord
And say rejoice to you my Lord
The noon day sun spreads arms out wide
To worship you, it's life giving friend
A song raised up, each day true
A story of your grace, forever new
And say rejoice to you my Lord
The noon day sun spreads arms out wide
To worship you, it's life giving friend
A song raised up, each day true
A story of your grace, forever new
Friday, February 05, 2010
A Letter to...
I fight fires that have yet to start
I find new ways of inventing the past
Mistakes mark every turn I take
But this glorious moment that's about to occur
Our own private fight club of theology and lead
I won't be taken to grave tonight
This self-serving attitude has got to end
I maintain my rights to live outside of your regulations
I will back down in the interest of harmony
But my unwillingness to argue doesn't give you victory
You can't control me
I find new ways of inventing the past
Mistakes mark every turn I take
But this glorious moment that's about to occur
Our own private fight club of theology and lead
I won't be taken to grave tonight
This self-serving attitude has got to end
I maintain my rights to live outside of your regulations
I will back down in the interest of harmony
But my unwillingness to argue doesn't give you victory
You can't control me
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Moments in My Mind
Half my life is spent in moments of idle wonder
Staring out the window for a hint of your coming
Thoughts go back and forth to our magical moments
The world but a haze to the love we both share
A kiss that burns that sky and brings great cities to it's knees
A kiss shared between us races through my mind
Oh dear, you've put a spell on me that I can't break free of
My love for you grows stronger with each day that you're just a thought in my mind
Don't be a stranger my sweet lily pad, your presence here is welcome
Where we can share a lifetime in each other's embrace
Staring out the window for a hint of your coming
Thoughts go back and forth to our magical moments
The world but a haze to the love we both share
A kiss that burns that sky and brings great cities to it's knees
A kiss shared between us races through my mind
Oh dear, you've put a spell on me that I can't break free of
My love for you grows stronger with each day that you're just a thought in my mind
Don't be a stranger my sweet lily pad, your presence here is welcome
Where we can share a lifetime in each other's embrace
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
The Song Remains The Same
The song plays on my stereo, over and over
With each resonating from the speaker, your face crosses my mind
Like a drug, I hit repeat and take another walk with you
This magic moment replays over in my mind
And I find myself longing for it more now then ever
Hoping these slow winter pass with speed
And spring ushers in your return.
Your hesitance at a return is a slow push on the bruise of my heart
A resistance I chalk up to a desire not to play God
But I still dream for the warm summer months
Barefoot walks on the beach holding your hand
So I sit by the fire with coffee in hand
Listening to this song, and dream of being your man
With each resonating from the speaker, your face crosses my mind
Like a drug, I hit repeat and take another walk with you
This magic moment replays over in my mind
And I find myself longing for it more now then ever
Hoping these slow winter pass with speed
And spring ushers in your return.
Your hesitance at a return is a slow push on the bruise of my heart
A resistance I chalk up to a desire not to play God
But I still dream for the warm summer months
Barefoot walks on the beach holding your hand
So I sit by the fire with coffee in hand
Listening to this song, and dream of being your man
Monday, February 01, 2010
A Good Living
There's a line in the sand, drawn long ago for those to choose sides
Yet picking my side seems like a task far too hard for my frame of mind
I stand in front of a life so far from complete, the devil just grins at me
And seeing nothing stable in front of me, I cower in panic
Life is too big and too unpredictable and I'm left without direction
Praying all day and night for just the smallest hint from God
My faith seems to be coming undone but my faith is what's holding me together
Tears blind my eyes as I tussle with the life of unknowing
Mistakes I've made and steps I never took, line the halls like dark shadows
Too much grief fills me and the excitement of months prior is all but forgotten
Shouts to heaven seem like the futile act of repeating what's been said over and over
My very words revealing what little faith I have
God help me
Yet picking my side seems like a task far too hard for my frame of mind
I stand in front of a life so far from complete, the devil just grins at me
And seeing nothing stable in front of me, I cower in panic
Life is too big and too unpredictable and I'm left without direction
Praying all day and night for just the smallest hint from God
My faith seems to be coming undone but my faith is what's holding me together
Tears blind my eyes as I tussle with the life of unknowing
Mistakes I've made and steps I never took, line the halls like dark shadows
Too much grief fills me and the excitement of months prior is all but forgotten
Shouts to heaven seem like the futile act of repeating what's been said over and over
My very words revealing what little faith I have
God help me
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Love Story
Sometimes my words aren't even close
To describing to you the passion in my heart
I miss you doesn't even come to close
To how this distance feels to me
There's an ocean between us
Yet you're standing right next to me
I take your hand, cherishing this moment
Knowing that despite all I want, you're still not mine
I could say I love you a million times
And still not come close to expressing my heart for you
I hate this waiting game that we must play
Yet if in the end it gets me to you then I'll go along
But I know that I hate not being with you
And I can't wait for our days together
To describing to you the passion in my heart
I miss you doesn't even come to close
To how this distance feels to me
There's an ocean between us
Yet you're standing right next to me
I take your hand, cherishing this moment
Knowing that despite all I want, you're still not mine
I could say I love you a million times
And still not come close to expressing my heart for you
I hate this waiting game that we must play
Yet if in the end it gets me to you then I'll go along
But I know that I hate not being with you
And I can't wait for our days together
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
A kiss that lasts forever
A simple gestured shared between us two
My lips pass sweetly onto yours
An instant so tender, so surreal
And in that moment, I knew one day we'd wed.
My only hope is that you felt it to
That our lives would forever be intertwined
Vision of days spent with you now filled my head
Wanting nothing more then to close this awkward distance between us
Do you feel it too?
My lips pass sweetly onto yours
An instant so tender, so surreal
And in that moment, I knew one day we'd wed.
My only hope is that you felt it to
That our lives would forever be intertwined
Vision of days spent with you now filled my head
Wanting nothing more then to close this awkward distance between us
Do you feel it too?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Lipstick Makes for the Best Autograph
She wrote her name in big block letters like some good times glorious whore on a bathroom stall wall
She walked slowly towards me, her pink lipstick staining a napkin with her number
Her perfume is cheap and offends my five sense as I slowly take her in.
She smiles with cheap, heartless eyes, that speak of a deep longing for something more then the cheap thrill she's offering tonight.
Her words fall like a discordant melody, unpleasant to my ear
She orders another drink, looking an inkling of interest the ceases to cross my face
With no sign of hope in me she moves down the bar, to next possible love
My face a fast fading picture, just another of the many gone before
She walked slowly towards me, her pink lipstick staining a napkin with her number
Her perfume is cheap and offends my five sense as I slowly take her in.
She smiles with cheap, heartless eyes, that speak of a deep longing for something more then the cheap thrill she's offering tonight.
Her words fall like a discordant melody, unpleasant to my ear
She orders another drink, looking an inkling of interest the ceases to cross my face
With no sign of hope in me she moves down the bar, to next possible love
My face a fast fading picture, just another of the many gone before
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Reach For The Stars
We're making the most of each day we wake up
Taking time to dance in the sunshine
We are making new paths, breaking new ground
Moving forward and not looking behind us
Life is moving far to fast for us to just sit and watch it fly by
Today is a new day, a fresh start, Yesterday is old new
We have committed to something more the ourselves
To outshine our wildest imaginations
We are stepping out and marching on
We are reaching for the fucking stars
Taking time to dance in the sunshine
We are making new paths, breaking new ground
Moving forward and not looking behind us
Life is moving far to fast for us to just sit and watch it fly by
Today is a new day, a fresh start, Yesterday is old new
We have committed to something more the ourselves
To outshine our wildest imaginations
We are stepping out and marching on
We are reaching for the fucking stars
Monday, January 11, 2010
The River of Tears
I could build I river with the tears I've cried and drown myself straight to Jesus
I'd peacefully up the stairway to heaven and meet my maker where the streets are paved with gold
All the pain falling slowly behind as I move to eternity with God
And say goodbye to this world that's treated me poorly for far too long
But God if there's more then let me find beauty in the things that have brought me pain
I'd peacefully up the stairway to heaven and meet my maker where the streets are paved with gold
All the pain falling slowly behind as I move to eternity with God
And say goodbye to this world that's treated me poorly for far too long
But God if there's more then let me find beauty in the things that have brought me pain
Friday, January 08, 2010
Canvas Earth
I want to see beauty in everything
To turn tragedy into a happy ending
I want to run around in a grassy field
Fall down and just enjoy the sunlight on my face
Where flowers grow without shame of size or shape
They feel no need to fret about my passing trampling feet
I want to see all creation as something special
The world to spin as some beautiful painting
The painters canvas all around
And yet unnoticed daily by all
The great work of art ever created
Lost to a mass of busy followers
None taking the time to run through the field of flowers
Or stopping just to observe the marvelous beauty all around
To turn tragedy into a happy ending
I want to run around in a grassy field
Fall down and just enjoy the sunlight on my face
Where flowers grow without shame of size or shape
They feel no need to fret about my passing trampling feet
I want to see all creation as something special
The world to spin as some beautiful painting
The painters canvas all around
And yet unnoticed daily by all
The great work of art ever created
Lost to a mass of busy followers
None taking the time to run through the field of flowers
Or stopping just to observe the marvelous beauty all around
The Ocean Plays A Love Song
The moon slowly over the river as we walked along it's sandy shore
Hand in hand, so in love. There wasn't anything else in the world I could ask for
The sound of the ocean our late night serenade
Distant seagulls call out to our little parade
We sit for long hours, just staring at the warm nights moon
A moment shared between lovers, a moment cemented in time
Your head on in my chest, my arm around your shoulder
No words needed as we enjoy each other
Hand in hand, so in love. There wasn't anything else in the world I could ask for
The sound of the ocean our late night serenade
Distant seagulls call out to our little parade
We sit for long hours, just staring at the warm nights moon
A moment shared between lovers, a moment cemented in time
Your head on in my chest, my arm around your shoulder
No words needed as we enjoy each other
Saturday, January 02, 2010
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