Bang! Zoom! There goes the fireworks!
She explodes like C4
He timer set to destroy all that lies in her path
And make no mistake that heads will roll when she goes off
All the citizen cry out with their heads down
"Who will save us from her destructive nature?"
When along comes a man, a calming aura surrounds him
And with a whisper the after shock dies away and for a moment peace
Is it lasting...
Only time will tell.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Gravity Is a Harsh Mistress
I took a chance and bet it all on black
I lost everything I had and now I'm drowning
But all hope is not lost
Driftwood comes along and provides a place to rest my head
Giving me a chance to catch my breathe as I float along uncertain seas.
The glimmer of a ship on the horizon brings peace to my soul
But the shadows fade in the distant and the setting sun is a symbol of my spirit.
I offer up a prayer to God, hoping that he'll take compassion on a lost man
A man who gave up the world to explore the edge of the world.
I lost everything I had and now I'm drowning
But all hope is not lost
Driftwood comes along and provides a place to rest my head
Giving me a chance to catch my breathe as I float along uncertain seas.
The glimmer of a ship on the horizon brings peace to my soul
But the shadows fade in the distant and the setting sun is a symbol of my spirit.
I offer up a prayer to God, hoping that he'll take compassion on a lost man
A man who gave up the world to explore the edge of the world.
Monday, August 02, 2010
The Unwed Sailor
In January I tried my hand at writing a short story. I wrote The Unwed Sailor, which is based off a poem I wrote years earlier. I've decided to share it. Enjoy.
Warning: Explicit language used
The Unwed Sailor
There are moments in our life when we find what we’ve been looking for. There are moments when we need to leave what we’ve been looking for just to make sure that’s really what we want. And sometimes we get scared and run away. At the time it seemed like I needed to just discover more about myself before settling down. Looking back I can see that I was scared and just ran away.
But I’ve spent many years at sea and I’ve spent far too much time reflecting on the mistakes of my youth. I can’t say I would’ve done anything differently. Some mistakes have to be made for us to realize that it was even a mistake. I knew leaving wasn’t the right choice but I was young and ambitious.
I pray that Jennifer has found happiness and married and had the family that she wanted. And I pray that somehow she can find it in her heart to forgive me. If there’s a God, I hope he was kind to her. Kinder then I was.
Tomorrow I return home. 20 years from the day I set sail, the day that changed her and my life forever. I don’t know why know seems like the right time to go back… Maybe there is no good time to return. Which makes now as good as ever. I’m not sure anyone will recognize me, which is what I’m hoping for. I don’t think I have a life here… But I need to come back.
We’ll reach port at sunset. From there… Who knows what will happen.
Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor
1.
The sun was slowly fading into its evening slumber, the sky over the sea the color of fire. Night was fast approaching as the ship pulled into dock. It was odd time for a ship to come in. This wasn’t a standard fishing ship or a navel vessel. But most of the town had started to turn in for the night and this strange occurrence went largely unnoticed.
As Jesse stepped from his boat, looking for the rope to tie The Unwed Sailor to the pier, a man stepped up to offer a hand.
“Evening. Need a hand”?
“That would great”, said Jesse. “Thanks.”
“This is one odd looking ship, we don’t see to many of these.”
“It’s an old merchant vessel”, said Jesse.
“You looking to sell to something here?”
“No”, said Jesse. “I’m returning home.”
“Home? I don’t remember a merchant leaving here recently. And I sure as hell don’t recognize you.”
“Well it’s been a while since I left”, said Jesse. “Twenty years to exact.”
The man’s eyes opened wide in recognition.
“Jesse Howel? Is that really you?”
“As I live breathe Carter”, said Jesse.
“You remember me!” exclaimed Carter. “After all these year you can stand on your ugly little boat and remember your best friend and not say a word?”
“I figured sooner or later the conversation would get around to who I was. I knew you’d get it.”
Carter just stood there in amazement. It was like he was talking to a ghost.
“You know people thought you died when you never wrote and never came back.”
“I wrote… I just never sent the letters”, Jesse said sheepishly. “How have you been Carter? I can see you’re still working the dock.”
“Not a thing has changed in twenty years. I’m old and I’m married. And I have one lazy ass son who should be down here helping me” said Carter.
“You marry Mary Anne like you were planning?”
“Yeah” Cater beamed. “Just after you sailed out. Hey, why don’t you come home with me for dinner? I know Mary Anne would love to see you again. And even though she can’t cook for shit, it has to be better then whatever you have on that boat. What do you say?”
Jesse looked away for a moment. A nice hot meal with his old friend sounded nice. Plus it would give him a chance to find out about what had happened during his absence. It would give him a chance to find out about Jennifer.
“You say Mary Anne can’t cook?”
“Not one bit”, said Carter.
“I’d love to come have dinner”, said Jesse.
And then Carter threw his arms around Jesse in a hug.
“It’s great to see you old friend”, said Carter.
As he pulled away Jesse thought he saw tears in his friends eyes. They went about finishing the task of securing the boat to the dock and then walked into town and to Carter’s house. It was strange for Jesse to be back in Brandon. Not much had seemed to change in the town since he left and yet it felt much bigger. Much less constraining. Carter and Jesse walked the streets, Jesse taking in all the sights and sounds, the children playing in street. It didn’t seem like it had been that long ago that Jesse was once of those children running through the streets. How much longer until one of these little ones decided to leave?
After a few miles they reached Carter’s house. Carter opened the door.
“Carter is that you?” Mary Anne yelled from somewhere deep in the house.
“Yes dear. You making dinner?”
“I just started”, shouted Mary Anne.
“Well add one more to meal. I brought home a friend.” Carter smiled and winked at Jesse. “She’ll just about lose it when she finds out it’s you.”
Mary Anne walked in from the kitchen. Her brown hair had just started to grey and despite a handful of new lines on her face, Mary Anne looked exactly like she had the day Jesse had left.
“Well Carter, aren’t you going to introduce me to your guest?”
“O course dear”, smiled Carter. “This is Jesse. Jesse Howel.”
Carter stood there smiling at his wife. Mary Anne’s jaw dropped. For a second she it seemed a hint of anger crossed her face. But like a breeze, it passed and she walked over and kissed Jesse on the face.
“Twenty years does a lot to change people, said Mary Anne. If you had come back 10 years earlier I would kick you out of this house faster then you left Brandon. But there seems no sense of that now. Dinner will be ready shortly. Wash up and sit at the table.”
Mary Anne turned, kissed her husband and walked back into the kitchen, shaking her head and mumbling something to her self.
“She didn’t seem really excited to see me Carter.”
“Yeah.” Carter turned and started for the washbasin. “You have to remember how close her and Jennifer were. When you left, you destroyed Jennifer’s world. Mary Anne was there with her through it all. Her opinion of you might not be the highest but time has a way of healing old wounds.”
“Were close? What do you mean were close”, Jesse asked?
“Well that seems like a conversation that is better saved until after we eat. Come on, we’ll talk later. Let’s eat.”
Dinner was a small affair of beef and potatoes, fresh goats milk and some leftover cherry pie for dessert. Carter had given Mary Anne the short side of the stick when it came to her cooking. The food wasn’t burnt and Jesse hadn’t had a free meal that tasted this good since he left Brandon. They ate mostly in silence, only broken by the occasional question from Jesse about life for Carter and Mary Anne over the last twenty years. They lived a nice quiet life. They had gotten married and had Carter Jr shortly after. Carter Jr, as Mary Anne put it, was not at dinner because he was running around trying to find some whore to get pregnant. Carter just shook his head as if to clarify that his wife was over-reacting just slightly.
After dinner Mary Anne busied herself doing the dishes and seemingly anything that didn’t involve being in the same from as Jesse. Jesse didn’t mind. He wasn’t looking to spend a lot of time trying to justify the actions and choices he made twenty years ago to a woman who clearly had her mind made up on him.
Carter and Jesse sat in a small room that Carter called his office. He had a small desk and two nice chairs. One the desk rested a bible and a bottle of whiskey.
“You think the good Lord approves of your drinking, Carter?” Jesse said with a smile.
“Well, a sip to clear the mind never hurt anyone. Care for a drink?”
“I could use something to ease my mind.”
Carter poured two glasses and passed one to Jesse.
“So what brings you back Brandon”, Carter asked? “After all these years where no one had seen or heard from you. Twenty years Jesse! That’s quite a long time to be gone. And now you come back. Why?”
Jesse took a sip of whiskey. He glanced around Carter’s office.
“I’m not sure why I came back”, Jesse said. “I just felt like it was something I needed to do. Like it had been long enough. There was something pulling me here. I was close and had nowhere to be. So I came back home.”
“How long are you going to say”, asked Carter?
“I’m not sure. I really didn’t think this through.”
“No, it doesn’t sound like you did Jesse. But damn it’s good to see you again.”
“It’s good to see you too Carter. And Mary Anne, although I’m not sure she feels the same way. I wish Carter Jr had been around. I would’ve loved to meet him.”
“He’s like I was when I was 20, only without my sense of responsibility.”
“Boys will be boys.”
“Yeah, and mine’s a handful”, Carter took a sip of whiskey.
Jesse sat back and wondered if he should ask about Jennifer. It was all by chance that he had run into Carter and ended up in his home. His plan had been to just sleep in his boat and just hang around town for a few days and just see if he could pick up on how Jennifer was doing. Maybe he’d see her around town.
“So… How’s Jennifer?”
“Uh, yeah”, Carter shifted uncomfortably and took a deeper pull of whiskey. “I knew this was going to come up.”
“Is something wrong with Jennifer?”
“Jesse… Jennifer’s dead.”
Jesse sat in silent shock. Of all the scenarios he had gone over in his mind he’d never even considered the fact that Jennifer would be dead. The only woman he’d ever loved and he’d just found out that she was no longer with the living.
“When? How?”
“Jesse, wouldn’t it be better-“
“Damn it Carter, just tell me”, Jesse snapped. “I know I left but I think I have a right to know.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry Jesse. Jennifer came down with a fever and got sick. The doctors couldn’t put a finger on what it was that was wrong with her. She spent a month in bed, dying from the inside. She passed a year and a half ago.”
Carter stood and put a hand on his friends shoulder. “I’m sorry you had to find out like this. I’m sorry you had to find out at all.”
Carter took his seat once more and poured himself some more whiskey.
“Was she married”, Jesse asked. Did she have any children?”
Carter again looked uncomfortable and poured a little more whiskey into his glass.
“Jennifer had one kid. A girl, Ashley.”
“How old is she.”
Carter sighed. “She’s twenty Jesse.”
“Twenty?”
“That’s right Jesse. A week after you left Jennifer had discovered she was pregnant. She was disgrace. To help her keep some dignity Pat O’Brien agreed to marry her and raise the girl as his own. He died 6 years later. Jennifer never remarried. She was never really happy with Pat but she was grateful to him for what he had done. You had broken her heart and left her with a girl. Ashley was her only connection to you and as much as she loved that girl, that child was a daily reminder of how you abandoned her. And now you understand why Mary Anne hates you. Even though Pat married Jennifer and claimed that the kid was his, everyone knew that it was to save face. Everyone knew that Ashley was your little girl and you had gone off to sea to chase some dream. Jennifer’s passing was both a blessing and her curse for her. It’s amazing she didn’t die from a broken heart sooner but Ashley was enough to keep her alive. I think at the end she just gave up and let death take her, like she thought it had taken you.”
Jesse just sat, stunned. This was a lot of take in. He had a daughter. But, he didn’t really have a daughter. He could never connect with her as her father. He would probably never see her. It didn’t seem like Carter was just going to tell him how to find his daughter. And Jennifer… Had he been the cause of her death? Guilt flooded into Jesse’s heart and he began to cry.
“Why didn’t you ever write her Jesse”, Carter asked? Why didn’t you let her know you were alive and still thinking of her?”
“I wrote her everyday. Everyday I made it a habit of writing her a letter. I have twenty years of letters in my ship. But I couldn’t send the letters to her. I had left the only woman I ever loved. I knew I had made a mistake. Everyday I prayed for her and asked God to be kind to her, to help her find a way to forgive me for being a selfish and scared son of a bitch. I was scared Carter! Scared that if I had stayed and married her that my life would be boring and I would just become my father. I’d be an unhappy, angry, drunken old man. And I got scared and said I needed to travel and sail and see the world and discover myself before I married her. And you know what Carter? I was wrong. There’s nothing to discover in this world. I didn’t travel. I moved up north and became a fisherman. A fucking fisherman! I left here with no money and got a little ways up north looking for a job. I started fishing to make some money so I could move on and travel. And you know what I am twenty years later? A fisherman. Everyday I regretted leaving Jennifer. But do you think I would’ve left if I had known that she was carrying a child?”
For a long moment the two men sat in silence. Mary Anne walked in a short while later and sat on the arm of Jesse’s chair and put her arms around him.
“She always loved you Jesse”, Marry Anne said. “She never hated you for leaving. But you broke her heart and broke her world. Her life was never right after you left and Ashley was a bitter reminder of the life she wanted to have. With you.”
“Is she still in town”, Jesse asked?
“Ashley? Yes, she’s still in town.” Mary Anne was hesitant. “Why do you want to know?”
“I just want to see her. I won’t talk to her, I won’t tell her who I am. But I just want the chance to look at my girl.”
“Oh, just tell the poor man Mary Anne”, Carter urged. “It can’t hurt to let him see her. And after all he’s been through, and he’s here.”
“Please Mary Anne”, Jesse begged?
“Oh, alright. But if I come to regret this you’ll pray I’m dead the next time you show your face in Brandon. Ashley works at a café down by the docks. It’s mostly a place for dockworkers and sailors to come and get coffee. They’re open late and Ashley always works late. She’ll be there.”
“How will I know what she looks like?”
“Oh you’ll know”, Carter interjected. “You couldn’t miss her.””
“Thanks you guys so much. How can I ever repay you?”
“Just don’t cause any trouble for the girl”, Mary Anne pleaded. “That will be payment enough.”
Goodbyes were short as Jesse left the house. He decided to walk around town for a little bit and think about all he’d learned. He had fathered a child. Guilt was starting to overwhelm Jesse. He left a girl who was crazy about him all alone and pregnant. He had run away scared and ruined one girl’s life in the process.
Jesse decided to go back to his boat for a little while. Maybe he wouldn’t go to the café tonight… Maybe he wouldn’t at all.
Jesse went to his room in the rear of the boat and started reading through the letters he had written Jennifer.
Dear Jennifer,
It’s been a year since I last saw you and yet your face has never let the forefront of my mind. It’s tough to keep going forward and not come back to you. I can’t seem to make enough money fishing to support my travels. I could be fishing back in Brandon and at least there I’d have you with me. I’ve thought about coming back but it’s been a year. Would you take me back? Are you even available? For all I know you’re married and living a finer life then I could have ever hoped to give you. Which I guess is one of the reasons I left. Living the life of a fisherman isn’t what I hoped for when I left Brandon. I wanted to travel the world, to see new sights and cultures and meet interesting people. But the drunkards up north are just as interesting as the drunkards in Brandon. They’re not.
I’m sorry I left. I know you can’t possibly still be in love with me and I don’t fault you if you hate me. I’ve been living with the regret of leaving you since the day my ship set sail. I should’ve turned around and not given my foolish idea of traveling a second thought.
I love you. I always will.
Jesse P. Howel.
2.
Around midnight Jesse emerged from his ship, determined to go have a cup a coffee and see his daughter. After that he might as well leave Brandon. There was no point in staying. Jennifer was dead. He had a daughter that couldn’t know who he was. It felt wrong that he would have to leave. The girl had no living family. But no, Jesse had promised Mary Anne that he wouldn’t let the girl know who he was.
Jesse found the café easily.
“I guess there’s no better time then now.” Jesse sighed and then opened the door.
“Go ahead and sit anywhere. I’ll come by and help you in a moment.”
Jesse couldn’t move. It was as if he was looking at a ghost. Tears formed at the corners of Jesse’s eyes and he blinked them away as fast as he could. He took a table at the rear of the room where he could see the entire café. And from his seat he watched his daughter.
Ashley looked exactly like Jennifer had on the day he set sail and he had to remind himself that this was his daughter and not the ghost of his former love come back to haunt him. Ashley had every inch of beauty that her mother had and Jesse’s heart was overcome with guilt. He couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and began to weep.
“Are you alright mister?” It was Ashley. She had come to help him and he had been crying.
“Yes… yes I’m fine. Sorry dear. I’ve been away from home a long time. I have a daughter who would be about your age and I haven’t seen her many years and I guess seeing you made me miss her. Please forgive a poor mans tears.”
“Don’t worry about it. What can I get for you?”
“A cup of coffee would be nice.”
“I’ll bring that right out.”
Ashley walked back into the kitchen to fetch some coffee. Jesse pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one, hoping to relive some of the pain that now burden his mind. He didn’t know it would be this hard. How could he? He’d never met the girl. But she looks exactly like Jennifer. It was as if Jesse’s mind was playing tricks on him.
Ashley came back out with a cup and a pot of coffee. She set the cup down and poured the coffee.
“Anything else I can get you”, Ashley asked? “You want anything to eat. Ethan left for the day but I can throw something on for you.”
“No, the coffee is good. Thanks.”
“I’ve never seen you around here before. This your first time in Brandon?”
“No. But it’s been a very long time since I was in town. Probably before you were born. Just the nearest port.”
“You a fisherman?”
“Yes.”
“You have the look of a man who’s spent a lot of time at sea.”
“Most of the last 20 years has been spent at sea.”
“Well if you need more coffee, you just give a whistle.”
“Thanks dear.”
And Ashley walked away. She spent a couple of moments engaged in small talk with the two other patrons in the café before walking back into the kitchen. And Jesse began to silently cry. What had he done? This is was his daughter who was all grown up with no idea who he was. He’d left the woman he loved, alone and pregnant, to go and chase a foolish dream that never came to be. A dream he never fully gave chase to. He’d spent the last twenty years in regret, hoping that one day he’d come back and maybe he and Jennifer could find a way to make life work. But she was dead.
Jesse lit another cigarette and finished his cup of coffee. He sat in silence, reflecting over his life. What seemed like a failed life. Was this all he was meant to be?
Ashley walked over. “You want some more coffee.”
“Yes please.”
Ashley refilled his cup and moved on. Two cigarettes and another cup of coffee later and Ashley was closing down the café for the night.
“Goodnight”, said Ashley has Jesse walked out the door.
“Goodnight dear.”
Jesse lit another cigarette and walked down a side street. His mind was racing and he didn’t think sleep was going to be in his future this night. Jesse walked down to the church and sat against the doors. He was content to just sit and smoke and think for a while.
“Excuse me mister…”
“Yes”, Jesse answered. “May I help you?”
“I was wondering if you would mind sparing a smoke for an old man?”
“ I don’t mind. It’s quite alright.”
“Thanks.”
The old man walked over and sat next to Jesse. Jesse hand him a cigarette and match.
“Thanks fellow. Kind of an odd place to sit and smoke don’t you think? There are plenty of pubs still open. You waiting for the Lord to come and take you to heaven?”
“That wasn’t really my plan but not that you mention it, it doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea.”
“Not that bad of an idea? What’s wrong man?”
“Are you from around here?”
“No”, the old man smiled. “Just got in to town yesterday. My ship sets sail in the morning.”
“I see. Well I guess there’s no harm in telling you.”
“You might feel better if you talk to someone.”
“Some how I doubt that. But what the hell, it can’t hurt.”
“It sure can’t”
“My names Jesse”, Jesse offered his hand.
“Joshua”, Joshua took it.
“Nice to meet you Joshua.”
“You too Jesse. So what’s got to all ready to die?”
“I’m from Brandon. Born and raised here. Spent the first 25 years of my life living here. My mom died early on in my life leaving my dad to take of me. He did a fine job but without my mom, my dad was a miserable man. He worked as a blacksmith. Hated every minute of it. He was just a mean spirited, drunk old man. I don’t blame him. Life was hard on him and he wasn’t prepared to raise a son alone. He died when I was in my teens. Left me the blacksmith shop to run. Anyway, I met a girl. Jennifer O’Malley. Had the deepest, prettiest green eyes you ever saw. She was and is still to this day the most beautiful girl I’ve ever had the privilege to lay my eyes on. We were young and in love. And we were going to get married. That was, until I got scared. I didn’t want to end up miserable like my dad. I wasn’t going to allow that to happen. So I decided I’d take some time and spend a year or two traveling and then come back. I was young and wanted to see the world. So I left Jennifer here. Broke her poor heart. I made it up north a little ways, ran out of money and started fishing. Never worked out enough money to travel and stayed up north fishing. For the last twenty years I’ve been fishing. I never came back for Jennifer. But you know what’s worse? I just found out tonight that when I left Jennifer here, I had also left her with a child. She found out she was pregnant not a week after I had left. And I just had the pleasure of seeing my daughter for the first time. And she looks just like her mom. And now the guilt and regret that I’ve been pushing aside for the last twenty years has surfaced in full. And that’s why I’m sitting her in front of a church smoking. That’s why I’m willing to let the Lord take my life. Because this isn’t worth it.”
Jesse began to cry loudly and without shame. Joshua just sat, listening intently.
“And now my plan is to just get back in my boat and sail off in the morning. I don’t know what I’m going to do or where I’m going to go. But I don’t think I can stay here or go back to fishing.”
“Did… did you think about telling the girl who you were”, Joshua questioned?
“I promised I wouldn’t. I promised I wouldn’t cause anymore trouble.”
“She might want to know.”
“No! It doesn’t matter. I can’t tell her that her real father is a jerk that ran away from her mom before he knew she was pregnant to become a fisherman.”
“She might not care. The girl might need someone in her life.”
“I can’t do it. No matter how deeply I want to, I can’t.”
“Suit yourself.”
They sat in silence for a moment longer. Just listening to the breeze come off over the ocean. Joshua finished his cigarette and stood.
“I thank you for the smoke Jesse. You’re a good man. No matter what your past failings our, you are a good man. You’ve let this mistake torture you for far to long. God has forgiven you son. He forgives all men who ask for repentance and you look like a man who’s been asking for repentance for twenty years.”
“You got that right.”
“At some point you need to let go. At some point you need to let God heal your broken heart. Let him take your misery. You might not be angry like you’re father but you’re living the same life of misery he did. But you don’t have to. Accept God’s forgiveness and move on. Start living your life. You’re not that old a man Jesse. You have life to give yet. Find it in your heart to forgive yourself.”
Jesse stood and walked to Joshua. They embraced in a hug.
“I’m glad you need a cigarette tonight. And I’m glad you don’t mind listening to the history of sailor.”
“No problem Jesse”, Joshua smiled. “It’s what I do.”
And with that Joshua walked off into the distance. And Jesse walked back to his boat.
Dear God,
It’s been a while since we’ve talked. I’m not sure what to say. I know Jennifer’s up inn heaven with you now. Will you let her now that I’m so sorry for leaving her? It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I always loved her.
God I’ve been walking around with this guilt on my heart for a long time now. And I can’t take it anymore lord. Please take this pain away. I’m sorry for leaving Jennifer to fend for herself. I’m sorry that I had gotten her pregnant and then ran away. I’m sorry that I wasn’t around to be Ashley’s father. God I know I’ve made a mess of people’s lives and I’m asking you to forgive me. Take away this burden that’s been eating away at my soul for so long. Help to move forward with my life. Help me to live.
Amen
Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor
3.
Jesse awoke mid-morning and went to the café for breakfast and coffee.
“Good morning”, Ashley smiled as he walked in.
“Good morning.”
Jesse sat at the same table he had the night before. The café was more full this morning, giving Ashley more work to do then she had the night before. It gave Jesse more time to watch his daughter. He was proud. She was a gorgeous young woman with the warmest smile he’d seen ever. Every good trait that Jennifer has, Jesse could see that they had been passed to Ashley.
“What can I get you this morning”, Ashley asked?
“You guys have pancakes?”
“We sure do.”
“I’ll have an some pancakes and coffee.”
“Coming right up.”
Ashley walked back into the kitchen and came back a moment later with a cup of coffee for Jesse. Jesse drank his coffee in silence, just admiring his little girl. She brought him his pancakes and went about her tasks. Jesse ate his breakfast and drank his coffee, a sense of relief and peace in his heart for this first time in years.
As he got up to leave, Ashley walked over to him.
“You sailing out today?”
“Yeah. Don’t want to overstay my welcome.”
“Well when you see your daughter, give her a kiss.”
Jesse gave Ashley a hug and kissed her on the cheek. “I will.”
Jesse walked down to Carter and Mary Anne’s house to say goodbye before leaving town. He knocked on the door. Mary Anne answered.
“Good morning Jesse.” Carter’s down at the docks.”
“I assumed as much. I’m headed out today. I wanted to say goodbye.”
“Did you see the girl?”
“I did.”
“And?”
“She’s beautiful.”
“And…?”
“And I didn’t tell her who I was. We didn’t talk much but I didn’t tell her who I was.
“Thank you Jesse. You have become a good man. Where are you sailing to?”
“I’m not sure. I think this time I might actually travel the world.”
“That will be nice. Please don’t let it be another twenty years before we see you in Brandon again.”
“It won’t be.”
“Take care Jesse.”
“You too Mary Anne. It was good to see you. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”
Jesse walked down to the dock to prepare his boat for departure and to say goodbye to his only real friend in the world.
“Leaving so soon?” Carter glared at Jesse from across the dock.
“I think it’s time to move on.”
“Yeah well, you weren’t going to leave without saying goodbye again were you?”
“I went to your house.” I knew you were down here. I wasn’t going to leave before talking to you.”
“Yeah I bet. You go visit Ashley?”
“I did. Thanks for letting me know about her.”
“Anything for a friend.”
The two of them prepped the boat, making sure everything was in order for Jesse’s trip.
Jesse turned to Carter. “What ship set sail early this morning?
“Uh… no ship set sail this morning Jesse.”
“Hm… I met an old man last night that said his ship was setting sail this morning. They had pulled in day before yesterday.”
“Jesse your ship is the only ship that’s pulled into Brandon in the last month. Were you drinking much last night?”
“All I had was the glass of whiskey at your house. And I know I talked to an old man last night. A tall guy with long grey hair and beard. You haven’t seen anyone like that in town.”
“You’re the closet looking person that fits that description Jesse. Are you sure it wasn’t as dream?”
“I’m telling you Carter, I sat in front of the doors of the church, smoking cigarettes and talking to an old man. He was there. I’m not crazy.”
“Alright, alright Jesse. I believe you.”
“If you happen to see anyone that fits my description, tell him Jesse said thanks.
“Of course I will Jesse.
The two friends hugged and said goodbye. Jesse climbed aboard his boat and waved one last time. Then he set sail. Letting the wind be his guide, no particular destination in mind.
Dear God,
Thanks for your angels.
Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor
Warning: Explicit language used
The Unwed Sailor
There are moments in our life when we find what we’ve been looking for. There are moments when we need to leave what we’ve been looking for just to make sure that’s really what we want. And sometimes we get scared and run away. At the time it seemed like I needed to just discover more about myself before settling down. Looking back I can see that I was scared and just ran away.
But I’ve spent many years at sea and I’ve spent far too much time reflecting on the mistakes of my youth. I can’t say I would’ve done anything differently. Some mistakes have to be made for us to realize that it was even a mistake. I knew leaving wasn’t the right choice but I was young and ambitious.
I pray that Jennifer has found happiness and married and had the family that she wanted. And I pray that somehow she can find it in her heart to forgive me. If there’s a God, I hope he was kind to her. Kinder then I was.
Tomorrow I return home. 20 years from the day I set sail, the day that changed her and my life forever. I don’t know why know seems like the right time to go back… Maybe there is no good time to return. Which makes now as good as ever. I’m not sure anyone will recognize me, which is what I’m hoping for. I don’t think I have a life here… But I need to come back.
We’ll reach port at sunset. From there… Who knows what will happen.
Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor
1.
The sun was slowly fading into its evening slumber, the sky over the sea the color of fire. Night was fast approaching as the ship pulled into dock. It was odd time for a ship to come in. This wasn’t a standard fishing ship or a navel vessel. But most of the town had started to turn in for the night and this strange occurrence went largely unnoticed.
As Jesse stepped from his boat, looking for the rope to tie The Unwed Sailor to the pier, a man stepped up to offer a hand.
“Evening. Need a hand”?
“That would great”, said Jesse. “Thanks.”
“This is one odd looking ship, we don’t see to many of these.”
“It’s an old merchant vessel”, said Jesse.
“You looking to sell to something here?”
“No”, said Jesse. “I’m returning home.”
“Home? I don’t remember a merchant leaving here recently. And I sure as hell don’t recognize you.”
“Well it’s been a while since I left”, said Jesse. “Twenty years to exact.”
The man’s eyes opened wide in recognition.
“Jesse Howel? Is that really you?”
“As I live breathe Carter”, said Jesse.
“You remember me!” exclaimed Carter. “After all these year you can stand on your ugly little boat and remember your best friend and not say a word?”
“I figured sooner or later the conversation would get around to who I was. I knew you’d get it.”
Carter just stood there in amazement. It was like he was talking to a ghost.
“You know people thought you died when you never wrote and never came back.”
“I wrote… I just never sent the letters”, Jesse said sheepishly. “How have you been Carter? I can see you’re still working the dock.”
“Not a thing has changed in twenty years. I’m old and I’m married. And I have one lazy ass son who should be down here helping me” said Carter.
“You marry Mary Anne like you were planning?”
“Yeah” Cater beamed. “Just after you sailed out. Hey, why don’t you come home with me for dinner? I know Mary Anne would love to see you again. And even though she can’t cook for shit, it has to be better then whatever you have on that boat. What do you say?”
Jesse looked away for a moment. A nice hot meal with his old friend sounded nice. Plus it would give him a chance to find out about what had happened during his absence. It would give him a chance to find out about Jennifer.
“You say Mary Anne can’t cook?”
“Not one bit”, said Carter.
“I’d love to come have dinner”, said Jesse.
And then Carter threw his arms around Jesse in a hug.
“It’s great to see you old friend”, said Carter.
As he pulled away Jesse thought he saw tears in his friends eyes. They went about finishing the task of securing the boat to the dock and then walked into town and to Carter’s house. It was strange for Jesse to be back in Brandon. Not much had seemed to change in the town since he left and yet it felt much bigger. Much less constraining. Carter and Jesse walked the streets, Jesse taking in all the sights and sounds, the children playing in street. It didn’t seem like it had been that long ago that Jesse was once of those children running through the streets. How much longer until one of these little ones decided to leave?
After a few miles they reached Carter’s house. Carter opened the door.
“Carter is that you?” Mary Anne yelled from somewhere deep in the house.
“Yes dear. You making dinner?”
“I just started”, shouted Mary Anne.
“Well add one more to meal. I brought home a friend.” Carter smiled and winked at Jesse. “She’ll just about lose it when she finds out it’s you.”
Mary Anne walked in from the kitchen. Her brown hair had just started to grey and despite a handful of new lines on her face, Mary Anne looked exactly like she had the day Jesse had left.
“Well Carter, aren’t you going to introduce me to your guest?”
“O course dear”, smiled Carter. “This is Jesse. Jesse Howel.”
Carter stood there smiling at his wife. Mary Anne’s jaw dropped. For a second she it seemed a hint of anger crossed her face. But like a breeze, it passed and she walked over and kissed Jesse on the face.
“Twenty years does a lot to change people, said Mary Anne. If you had come back 10 years earlier I would kick you out of this house faster then you left Brandon. But there seems no sense of that now. Dinner will be ready shortly. Wash up and sit at the table.”
Mary Anne turned, kissed her husband and walked back into the kitchen, shaking her head and mumbling something to her self.
“She didn’t seem really excited to see me Carter.”
“Yeah.” Carter turned and started for the washbasin. “You have to remember how close her and Jennifer were. When you left, you destroyed Jennifer’s world. Mary Anne was there with her through it all. Her opinion of you might not be the highest but time has a way of healing old wounds.”
“Were close? What do you mean were close”, Jesse asked?
“Well that seems like a conversation that is better saved until after we eat. Come on, we’ll talk later. Let’s eat.”
Dinner was a small affair of beef and potatoes, fresh goats milk and some leftover cherry pie for dessert. Carter had given Mary Anne the short side of the stick when it came to her cooking. The food wasn’t burnt and Jesse hadn’t had a free meal that tasted this good since he left Brandon. They ate mostly in silence, only broken by the occasional question from Jesse about life for Carter and Mary Anne over the last twenty years. They lived a nice quiet life. They had gotten married and had Carter Jr shortly after. Carter Jr, as Mary Anne put it, was not at dinner because he was running around trying to find some whore to get pregnant. Carter just shook his head as if to clarify that his wife was over-reacting just slightly.
After dinner Mary Anne busied herself doing the dishes and seemingly anything that didn’t involve being in the same from as Jesse. Jesse didn’t mind. He wasn’t looking to spend a lot of time trying to justify the actions and choices he made twenty years ago to a woman who clearly had her mind made up on him.
Carter and Jesse sat in a small room that Carter called his office. He had a small desk and two nice chairs. One the desk rested a bible and a bottle of whiskey.
“You think the good Lord approves of your drinking, Carter?” Jesse said with a smile.
“Well, a sip to clear the mind never hurt anyone. Care for a drink?”
“I could use something to ease my mind.”
Carter poured two glasses and passed one to Jesse.
“So what brings you back Brandon”, Carter asked? “After all these years where no one had seen or heard from you. Twenty years Jesse! That’s quite a long time to be gone. And now you come back. Why?”
Jesse took a sip of whiskey. He glanced around Carter’s office.
“I’m not sure why I came back”, Jesse said. “I just felt like it was something I needed to do. Like it had been long enough. There was something pulling me here. I was close and had nowhere to be. So I came back home.”
“How long are you going to say”, asked Carter?
“I’m not sure. I really didn’t think this through.”
“No, it doesn’t sound like you did Jesse. But damn it’s good to see you again.”
“It’s good to see you too Carter. And Mary Anne, although I’m not sure she feels the same way. I wish Carter Jr had been around. I would’ve loved to meet him.”
“He’s like I was when I was 20, only without my sense of responsibility.”
“Boys will be boys.”
“Yeah, and mine’s a handful”, Carter took a sip of whiskey.
Jesse sat back and wondered if he should ask about Jennifer. It was all by chance that he had run into Carter and ended up in his home. His plan had been to just sleep in his boat and just hang around town for a few days and just see if he could pick up on how Jennifer was doing. Maybe he’d see her around town.
“So… How’s Jennifer?”
“Uh, yeah”, Carter shifted uncomfortably and took a deeper pull of whiskey. “I knew this was going to come up.”
“Is something wrong with Jennifer?”
“Jesse… Jennifer’s dead.”
Jesse sat in silent shock. Of all the scenarios he had gone over in his mind he’d never even considered the fact that Jennifer would be dead. The only woman he’d ever loved and he’d just found out that she was no longer with the living.
“When? How?”
“Jesse, wouldn’t it be better-“
“Damn it Carter, just tell me”, Jesse snapped. “I know I left but I think I have a right to know.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry Jesse. Jennifer came down with a fever and got sick. The doctors couldn’t put a finger on what it was that was wrong with her. She spent a month in bed, dying from the inside. She passed a year and a half ago.”
Carter stood and put a hand on his friends shoulder. “I’m sorry you had to find out like this. I’m sorry you had to find out at all.”
Carter took his seat once more and poured himself some more whiskey.
“Was she married”, Jesse asked. Did she have any children?”
Carter again looked uncomfortable and poured a little more whiskey into his glass.
“Jennifer had one kid. A girl, Ashley.”
“How old is she.”
Carter sighed. “She’s twenty Jesse.”
“Twenty?”
“That’s right Jesse. A week after you left Jennifer had discovered she was pregnant. She was disgrace. To help her keep some dignity Pat O’Brien agreed to marry her and raise the girl as his own. He died 6 years later. Jennifer never remarried. She was never really happy with Pat but she was grateful to him for what he had done. You had broken her heart and left her with a girl. Ashley was her only connection to you and as much as she loved that girl, that child was a daily reminder of how you abandoned her. And now you understand why Mary Anne hates you. Even though Pat married Jennifer and claimed that the kid was his, everyone knew that it was to save face. Everyone knew that Ashley was your little girl and you had gone off to sea to chase some dream. Jennifer’s passing was both a blessing and her curse for her. It’s amazing she didn’t die from a broken heart sooner but Ashley was enough to keep her alive. I think at the end she just gave up and let death take her, like she thought it had taken you.”
Jesse just sat, stunned. This was a lot of take in. He had a daughter. But, he didn’t really have a daughter. He could never connect with her as her father. He would probably never see her. It didn’t seem like Carter was just going to tell him how to find his daughter. And Jennifer… Had he been the cause of her death? Guilt flooded into Jesse’s heart and he began to cry.
“Why didn’t you ever write her Jesse”, Carter asked? Why didn’t you let her know you were alive and still thinking of her?”
“I wrote her everyday. Everyday I made it a habit of writing her a letter. I have twenty years of letters in my ship. But I couldn’t send the letters to her. I had left the only woman I ever loved. I knew I had made a mistake. Everyday I prayed for her and asked God to be kind to her, to help her find a way to forgive me for being a selfish and scared son of a bitch. I was scared Carter! Scared that if I had stayed and married her that my life would be boring and I would just become my father. I’d be an unhappy, angry, drunken old man. And I got scared and said I needed to travel and sail and see the world and discover myself before I married her. And you know what Carter? I was wrong. There’s nothing to discover in this world. I didn’t travel. I moved up north and became a fisherman. A fucking fisherman! I left here with no money and got a little ways up north looking for a job. I started fishing to make some money so I could move on and travel. And you know what I am twenty years later? A fisherman. Everyday I regretted leaving Jennifer. But do you think I would’ve left if I had known that she was carrying a child?”
For a long moment the two men sat in silence. Mary Anne walked in a short while later and sat on the arm of Jesse’s chair and put her arms around him.
“She always loved you Jesse”, Marry Anne said. “She never hated you for leaving. But you broke her heart and broke her world. Her life was never right after you left and Ashley was a bitter reminder of the life she wanted to have. With you.”
“Is she still in town”, Jesse asked?
“Ashley? Yes, she’s still in town.” Mary Anne was hesitant. “Why do you want to know?”
“I just want to see her. I won’t talk to her, I won’t tell her who I am. But I just want the chance to look at my girl.”
“Oh, just tell the poor man Mary Anne”, Carter urged. “It can’t hurt to let him see her. And after all he’s been through, and he’s here.”
“Please Mary Anne”, Jesse begged?
“Oh, alright. But if I come to regret this you’ll pray I’m dead the next time you show your face in Brandon. Ashley works at a café down by the docks. It’s mostly a place for dockworkers and sailors to come and get coffee. They’re open late and Ashley always works late. She’ll be there.”
“How will I know what she looks like?”
“Oh you’ll know”, Carter interjected. “You couldn’t miss her.””
“Thanks you guys so much. How can I ever repay you?”
“Just don’t cause any trouble for the girl”, Mary Anne pleaded. “That will be payment enough.”
Goodbyes were short as Jesse left the house. He decided to walk around town for a little bit and think about all he’d learned. He had fathered a child. Guilt was starting to overwhelm Jesse. He left a girl who was crazy about him all alone and pregnant. He had run away scared and ruined one girl’s life in the process.
Jesse decided to go back to his boat for a little while. Maybe he wouldn’t go to the café tonight… Maybe he wouldn’t at all.
Jesse went to his room in the rear of the boat and started reading through the letters he had written Jennifer.
Dear Jennifer,
It’s been a year since I last saw you and yet your face has never let the forefront of my mind. It’s tough to keep going forward and not come back to you. I can’t seem to make enough money fishing to support my travels. I could be fishing back in Brandon and at least there I’d have you with me. I’ve thought about coming back but it’s been a year. Would you take me back? Are you even available? For all I know you’re married and living a finer life then I could have ever hoped to give you. Which I guess is one of the reasons I left. Living the life of a fisherman isn’t what I hoped for when I left Brandon. I wanted to travel the world, to see new sights and cultures and meet interesting people. But the drunkards up north are just as interesting as the drunkards in Brandon. They’re not.
I’m sorry I left. I know you can’t possibly still be in love with me and I don’t fault you if you hate me. I’ve been living with the regret of leaving you since the day my ship set sail. I should’ve turned around and not given my foolish idea of traveling a second thought.
I love you. I always will.
Jesse P. Howel.
2.
Around midnight Jesse emerged from his ship, determined to go have a cup a coffee and see his daughter. After that he might as well leave Brandon. There was no point in staying. Jennifer was dead. He had a daughter that couldn’t know who he was. It felt wrong that he would have to leave. The girl had no living family. But no, Jesse had promised Mary Anne that he wouldn’t let the girl know who he was.
Jesse found the café easily.
“I guess there’s no better time then now.” Jesse sighed and then opened the door.
“Go ahead and sit anywhere. I’ll come by and help you in a moment.”
Jesse couldn’t move. It was as if he was looking at a ghost. Tears formed at the corners of Jesse’s eyes and he blinked them away as fast as he could. He took a table at the rear of the room where he could see the entire café. And from his seat he watched his daughter.
Ashley looked exactly like Jennifer had on the day he set sail and he had to remind himself that this was his daughter and not the ghost of his former love come back to haunt him. Ashley had every inch of beauty that her mother had and Jesse’s heart was overcome with guilt. He couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and began to weep.
“Are you alright mister?” It was Ashley. She had come to help him and he had been crying.
“Yes… yes I’m fine. Sorry dear. I’ve been away from home a long time. I have a daughter who would be about your age and I haven’t seen her many years and I guess seeing you made me miss her. Please forgive a poor mans tears.”
“Don’t worry about it. What can I get for you?”
“A cup of coffee would be nice.”
“I’ll bring that right out.”
Ashley walked back into the kitchen to fetch some coffee. Jesse pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one, hoping to relive some of the pain that now burden his mind. He didn’t know it would be this hard. How could he? He’d never met the girl. But she looks exactly like Jennifer. It was as if Jesse’s mind was playing tricks on him.
Ashley came back out with a cup and a pot of coffee. She set the cup down and poured the coffee.
“Anything else I can get you”, Ashley asked? “You want anything to eat. Ethan left for the day but I can throw something on for you.”
“No, the coffee is good. Thanks.”
“I’ve never seen you around here before. This your first time in Brandon?”
“No. But it’s been a very long time since I was in town. Probably before you were born. Just the nearest port.”
“You a fisherman?”
“Yes.”
“You have the look of a man who’s spent a lot of time at sea.”
“Most of the last 20 years has been spent at sea.”
“Well if you need more coffee, you just give a whistle.”
“Thanks dear.”
And Ashley walked away. She spent a couple of moments engaged in small talk with the two other patrons in the café before walking back into the kitchen. And Jesse began to silently cry. What had he done? This is was his daughter who was all grown up with no idea who he was. He’d left the woman he loved, alone and pregnant, to go and chase a foolish dream that never came to be. A dream he never fully gave chase to. He’d spent the last twenty years in regret, hoping that one day he’d come back and maybe he and Jennifer could find a way to make life work. But she was dead.
Jesse lit another cigarette and finished his cup of coffee. He sat in silence, reflecting over his life. What seemed like a failed life. Was this all he was meant to be?
Ashley walked over. “You want some more coffee.”
“Yes please.”
Ashley refilled his cup and moved on. Two cigarettes and another cup of coffee later and Ashley was closing down the café for the night.
“Goodnight”, said Ashley has Jesse walked out the door.
“Goodnight dear.”
Jesse lit another cigarette and walked down a side street. His mind was racing and he didn’t think sleep was going to be in his future this night. Jesse walked down to the church and sat against the doors. He was content to just sit and smoke and think for a while.
“Excuse me mister…”
“Yes”, Jesse answered. “May I help you?”
“I was wondering if you would mind sparing a smoke for an old man?”
“ I don’t mind. It’s quite alright.”
“Thanks.”
The old man walked over and sat next to Jesse. Jesse hand him a cigarette and match.
“Thanks fellow. Kind of an odd place to sit and smoke don’t you think? There are plenty of pubs still open. You waiting for the Lord to come and take you to heaven?”
“That wasn’t really my plan but not that you mention it, it doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea.”
“Not that bad of an idea? What’s wrong man?”
“Are you from around here?”
“No”, the old man smiled. “Just got in to town yesterday. My ship sets sail in the morning.”
“I see. Well I guess there’s no harm in telling you.”
“You might feel better if you talk to someone.”
“Some how I doubt that. But what the hell, it can’t hurt.”
“It sure can’t”
“My names Jesse”, Jesse offered his hand.
“Joshua”, Joshua took it.
“Nice to meet you Joshua.”
“You too Jesse. So what’s got to all ready to die?”
“I’m from Brandon. Born and raised here. Spent the first 25 years of my life living here. My mom died early on in my life leaving my dad to take of me. He did a fine job but without my mom, my dad was a miserable man. He worked as a blacksmith. Hated every minute of it. He was just a mean spirited, drunk old man. I don’t blame him. Life was hard on him and he wasn’t prepared to raise a son alone. He died when I was in my teens. Left me the blacksmith shop to run. Anyway, I met a girl. Jennifer O’Malley. Had the deepest, prettiest green eyes you ever saw. She was and is still to this day the most beautiful girl I’ve ever had the privilege to lay my eyes on. We were young and in love. And we were going to get married. That was, until I got scared. I didn’t want to end up miserable like my dad. I wasn’t going to allow that to happen. So I decided I’d take some time and spend a year or two traveling and then come back. I was young and wanted to see the world. So I left Jennifer here. Broke her poor heart. I made it up north a little ways, ran out of money and started fishing. Never worked out enough money to travel and stayed up north fishing. For the last twenty years I’ve been fishing. I never came back for Jennifer. But you know what’s worse? I just found out tonight that when I left Jennifer here, I had also left her with a child. She found out she was pregnant not a week after I had left. And I just had the pleasure of seeing my daughter for the first time. And she looks just like her mom. And now the guilt and regret that I’ve been pushing aside for the last twenty years has surfaced in full. And that’s why I’m sitting her in front of a church smoking. That’s why I’m willing to let the Lord take my life. Because this isn’t worth it.”
Jesse began to cry loudly and without shame. Joshua just sat, listening intently.
“And now my plan is to just get back in my boat and sail off in the morning. I don’t know what I’m going to do or where I’m going to go. But I don’t think I can stay here or go back to fishing.”
“Did… did you think about telling the girl who you were”, Joshua questioned?
“I promised I wouldn’t. I promised I wouldn’t cause anymore trouble.”
“She might want to know.”
“No! It doesn’t matter. I can’t tell her that her real father is a jerk that ran away from her mom before he knew she was pregnant to become a fisherman.”
“She might not care. The girl might need someone in her life.”
“I can’t do it. No matter how deeply I want to, I can’t.”
“Suit yourself.”
They sat in silence for a moment longer. Just listening to the breeze come off over the ocean. Joshua finished his cigarette and stood.
“I thank you for the smoke Jesse. You’re a good man. No matter what your past failings our, you are a good man. You’ve let this mistake torture you for far to long. God has forgiven you son. He forgives all men who ask for repentance and you look like a man who’s been asking for repentance for twenty years.”
“You got that right.”
“At some point you need to let go. At some point you need to let God heal your broken heart. Let him take your misery. You might not be angry like you’re father but you’re living the same life of misery he did. But you don’t have to. Accept God’s forgiveness and move on. Start living your life. You’re not that old a man Jesse. You have life to give yet. Find it in your heart to forgive yourself.”
Jesse stood and walked to Joshua. They embraced in a hug.
“I’m glad you need a cigarette tonight. And I’m glad you don’t mind listening to the history of sailor.”
“No problem Jesse”, Joshua smiled. “It’s what I do.”
And with that Joshua walked off into the distance. And Jesse walked back to his boat.
Dear God,
It’s been a while since we’ve talked. I’m not sure what to say. I know Jennifer’s up inn heaven with you now. Will you let her now that I’m so sorry for leaving her? It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I always loved her.
God I’ve been walking around with this guilt on my heart for a long time now. And I can’t take it anymore lord. Please take this pain away. I’m sorry for leaving Jennifer to fend for herself. I’m sorry that I had gotten her pregnant and then ran away. I’m sorry that I wasn’t around to be Ashley’s father. God I know I’ve made a mess of people’s lives and I’m asking you to forgive me. Take away this burden that’s been eating away at my soul for so long. Help to move forward with my life. Help me to live.
Amen
Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor
3.
Jesse awoke mid-morning and went to the café for breakfast and coffee.
“Good morning”, Ashley smiled as he walked in.
“Good morning.”
Jesse sat at the same table he had the night before. The café was more full this morning, giving Ashley more work to do then she had the night before. It gave Jesse more time to watch his daughter. He was proud. She was a gorgeous young woman with the warmest smile he’d seen ever. Every good trait that Jennifer has, Jesse could see that they had been passed to Ashley.
“What can I get you this morning”, Ashley asked?
“You guys have pancakes?”
“We sure do.”
“I’ll have an some pancakes and coffee.”
“Coming right up.”
Ashley walked back into the kitchen and came back a moment later with a cup of coffee for Jesse. Jesse drank his coffee in silence, just admiring his little girl. She brought him his pancakes and went about her tasks. Jesse ate his breakfast and drank his coffee, a sense of relief and peace in his heart for this first time in years.
As he got up to leave, Ashley walked over to him.
“You sailing out today?”
“Yeah. Don’t want to overstay my welcome.”
“Well when you see your daughter, give her a kiss.”
Jesse gave Ashley a hug and kissed her on the cheek. “I will.”
Jesse walked down to Carter and Mary Anne’s house to say goodbye before leaving town. He knocked on the door. Mary Anne answered.
“Good morning Jesse.” Carter’s down at the docks.”
“I assumed as much. I’m headed out today. I wanted to say goodbye.”
“Did you see the girl?”
“I did.”
“And?”
“She’s beautiful.”
“And…?”
“And I didn’t tell her who I was. We didn’t talk much but I didn’t tell her who I was.
“Thank you Jesse. You have become a good man. Where are you sailing to?”
“I’m not sure. I think this time I might actually travel the world.”
“That will be nice. Please don’t let it be another twenty years before we see you in Brandon again.”
“It won’t be.”
“Take care Jesse.”
“You too Mary Anne. It was good to see you. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”
Jesse walked down to the dock to prepare his boat for departure and to say goodbye to his only real friend in the world.
“Leaving so soon?” Carter glared at Jesse from across the dock.
“I think it’s time to move on.”
“Yeah well, you weren’t going to leave without saying goodbye again were you?”
“I went to your house.” I knew you were down here. I wasn’t going to leave before talking to you.”
“Yeah I bet. You go visit Ashley?”
“I did. Thanks for letting me know about her.”
“Anything for a friend.”
The two of them prepped the boat, making sure everything was in order for Jesse’s trip.
Jesse turned to Carter. “What ship set sail early this morning?
“Uh… no ship set sail this morning Jesse.”
“Hm… I met an old man last night that said his ship was setting sail this morning. They had pulled in day before yesterday.”
“Jesse your ship is the only ship that’s pulled into Brandon in the last month. Were you drinking much last night?”
“All I had was the glass of whiskey at your house. And I know I talked to an old man last night. A tall guy with long grey hair and beard. You haven’t seen anyone like that in town.”
“You’re the closet looking person that fits that description Jesse. Are you sure it wasn’t as dream?”
“I’m telling you Carter, I sat in front of the doors of the church, smoking cigarettes and talking to an old man. He was there. I’m not crazy.”
“Alright, alright Jesse. I believe you.”
“If you happen to see anyone that fits my description, tell him Jesse said thanks.
“Of course I will Jesse.
The two friends hugged and said goodbye. Jesse climbed aboard his boat and waved one last time. Then he set sail. Letting the wind be his guide, no particular destination in mind.
Dear God,
Thanks for your angels.
Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor
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