All or Nothing

Screaming, Always Screaming
Never saying anything
My lungs burn with hot vengeance
My words ring like hollow trees
These bones all broken
This heart smashed in fear
I have a tendency to overreact
And in this moment I'm throwing a fit
Tried of everything and living for nothing
I have given up all hope in this pathetic excuse for humanity
We are all living just to die
And dying just to live
Never making real progress
But constantly complaining

I am a product of miscommunication and poor handling
I am the judge of dozens and the judged by millions
My mind wanders back and worth between good and evil
Never wanting to choose a side by always leaning towards the evil in me
I am so disgusted with who I am on any given day
That the kind words shared get shredded in my brain
This is the only peace I can seem to find
With a loaded gun and a full glass of wine
My heart races to a beat far to fast to maintain
And my brain tries to constantly maintain a positive outlook
But life just seems pointless without you
And I know I'll never live up to the standard you require
So is there a point in fighting the good fight
When I know I will always come up short of my best
Is your grace really enough to cover my ultimate downfall
And is my best really going to be ok for you?

The Hopelessness of Living Without You

We are drowning in an ocean, unable to break the water's surface
Swimming for freedom, never able to take that next breath
We have trapped ourselves in glass coffins, to afraid of shards to break free
So we sit and stare as the world goes dark

Oh God break us free from the fear that entangles our minds
Help us in our fruitless endeavors to find life on our own
Because have failed so miserably at trying to live without you
And our lives will turn ruin on unless you intervene and help us

Words That Hurt

If words hold the keys to life and death then I am a murder at heart
I have slayed ten thousand men with the flick of my tongue
My desire is to show love but my black heart only knows cursing
I have been the ruin of innocent lives and the downfall of many
My aim is high but my course is shallow and I run aground far too often
How can I right this ship and steer myself into smoother waters?
What must I do to find a way to keep my words from causing harm?
Am I doomed to spit violent words at non-violent men?
Or is there a way to heal that which I have destroyed?
Can grace make a way to forgive the things I've said?

Heart Condition

Still my beating heart
From this frantic rapid pulsing to a calm slow rhythm
Because it feels like at any moment my heart will explode from my chest
And take flight from this small body

Steal my bleeding heart
From the black market where I've put it up for sale to the highest bidder
Take back that which is rightfully yours
That which I have corrupted

Fix my broken heart
Put together the pieces that I've let others tear like paper
Help fix that which I've been so reckless with
That which I don't know how to care for

Protect my restored heart
From the evil that my mind wants to commit
I can't do good on my own
And I need you watching out for this fragile heart

The Struggle

There is a part of me that wants to take this car into oncoming traffic
End this miserable existence, this constant failing you
To go from this earthy hell, to dwell in your eternal glory
Can one still get into heaven if they take their own life?

My faith that you hold the world in your hands is unstable
And my doubt will surely get the better of me from time to time
But your faithfulness is not in question here
Your goodness fills everything I do, yet my blind eyes don't always connect the dots
This world moves at a pace too fast for me to comprehend my surroundings
When all I want to do it be still and know that you're God, I find myself screaming at the wall

I have failed you today and I'll fail you again
Yet your mercies are new every morning... How do you do it?
If I were God I would have wiped myself from the face of the earth
My lack of obedience surely enough to put an end to this life
But day after day, failure after failure, You still forgive me
You still find a way love this wreck of a man
And I am grateful that you never give up
Because without you, I would have

All Of Your Children Are Addicts

I was listening to Hammock's Maybe They Will Sing For Us Tomorrow this morning and gave the track listing a once over. Decided to write a poem based off the title All Of Your Children Are Addicts. From there the first line of the poem, What hand has brought us out here to die, came to my head and I quickly typed it into my phone so I wouldn't forget it. The poem is about Israel and their continued disobedience to God.

The hand of God was so strongly with Israel for so many years and having experienced all the miracles and deliverance, they still complained and never fully trusted or gave themselves over to God. But whenever I find myself questioning there stupidity, I'm always quietly reminded that I do the same thing.


What hand has brought us here to die?
At least in my captivity there was solace in the known
But now we wander the desert, waiting to die
If not at the hand of our enemies then by hunger or thirst
We have been abandoned to our own wits
We have been left to fend for ourselves

So let us make gods in our image
And bow before that which we have made with our own hands
Our trust not in the deliverer but in what we have made
At least now we have a god to touch and see
We have learned nothing in all these years
So our cycle repeats and death is the known outcome

We, your so called people, will repent in due time
But for now we will continue with our false idols
We have trampled your holy temple
Turning it into a house for fornication and murder
Our hearts hardened to your gentle voice
Your spirit consistently hitting deaf ears
We a chosen people in need of savior
Foolishly trying to create our own

Sunsets End the Day, Not the World

There's a sun setting over an ocean somewhere
Where two walk hand in hand, unaware of all that surrounds them
He bends down to kiss her cheek and she smiles up at him
Both so lost in love with each other
Slowly they stop their walk and sit in the sand
Just listening to the waves crash, never letting go of the other's hand
A moment so perfect it will stay in their minds forever
Like a photograph on the mantle of their hearts

Resurrecting Lost Innocence

Oh God I'm searching for a way out
My life is in shambles and I'm in pain
My heart has been torn out so many times that it only faintly resembles healthy
I am caught in a web of lies and addiction
These stitches keep coming undone and I keep losing blood
My tears have quit coming and I'm afraid I'm forgetting how to feel
I have ruined what you have given me and don’t deserve to live
But God, if you're gracious as they say, then m begging for a second chance
I want to start life over starting right now
I want to redirect the course of my current path
My life has been mishandled and shipwrecked
And I want back the innocence stolen from me so long ago
Take me back to a place where I still believe in mystery
Mend my broken life and restore my broken heart
I know you're the only one who can

Life Is For Those Who Are Living

I want a running start as I jump off cliffs
Just so I can feel the wind on my face
I want an orchestra available at the every whim
With the ability to write the most beautiful sonatas
I want the wisdom of King Solomon
Penning words that will impact a lifetime
I want to give my love so freely
That those around me never feel left out or alone
I want to swim the farthest corners of the ocean
Splash around and play in the world's pool
I want to drive from one end of the country to other
Maybe run out of gas from time to time
I want to dream with endless imagination
Take this life by the balls and show it who's in charge

Desperate Men Pray Despreate Prayers

Uncertainty is the torturous path in which God has set before
Feeling alone and lost I cry out for a map that never comes
And my sad little faith, already wobbling from life, is at its tipping point
But I mange to not let go and grasp hold to the very one who gave me life
Am I but Israel? Meant to spend 40 years, wandering the dessert?
Am I to stand by and watch loves ones and opportunities fade into distant memories?
Oh God, you know the hidden and secret things of the heart
And you reveal your spirit to those in need, to those asking
I beg of you to re-spark a passion and vision in my heart
Please re-spark anything
I’m losing touch with any sense of happiness and destroying those closest to me
My praise has been far and my complaining ever present but I’m at a loss
I’m sorry for my discontentment and my lack of gratitude
For you have gotten me through every situation and been my constant provider
But I am an ungrateful, spoiled son. Unworthy of the name my parents gave me
Not man enough to admit when I’ve been wrong, and not cognitive enough to be grateful
My shame is over taking me, on the edge of losing everything, and this plea seems hollow
But I just don’t know what else to do
Help me Lord…

Anchors

I am sailing on an ocean of fallen angels
My ship is a den of thieves
I've been searching for life's true meaning
But the storms impede my way
The waves of temptation crash overboard
And I let myself be carried away
As I slowly fall to the ocean floor
My legs get entangled with the anchors chain
Death by drowning seems to await me
And I give myself over to the sea

But the anchor means the shipped has stop its journey
And somehow I find myself free from my oceanside grave
As I slowly swim to the surface
I find myself face to face with a new ship
The Captain committed to saving those thrown overboard
A hand grabs me by the arms and lifts me safely onboard
And I'm overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude.
My miscalculations and poor judgment led my crew to their death
And the hurricane that destroyed my ship, nearly ended me
But this second chance at life has renew my strength
And I’m ready to put aside my pride and join this Captain’s crew.


Back story:
I started this poem in September while I was at sea and in Mexico. The whole idea behind being trapped in the Anchor comes from where Jesus talks about tying a millstone around your neck and throwing yourself into the sea. The anchor has been a symbol of sin and those things that keep us from moving forward. The first half of the poem deals with life and sailing the seas of life and just living with and dying because of our sin. We can't move forward because our anchors are dragging on the bottom of the ocean and keeping us from moving forward.

The second half of the poem is inspired by two lines in two different songs from Norma Jean's Redeemer.

"I will not sleep while you are throwing anchors to a drowning generation." - Blueprints for Future Homes

"Captain, the ship is sinking. Have mercy." - The End of All Things Will Be Televised.

It's good to know God never gives up on us no matter how many times we fail and that he's always willing to save us when we're drowning.

The Useless Words of Bryan Patton

I am staring at a blank page with no words to write
And I'm screaming at the far wall, hoping I'm loud enough to penetrate this silence
My inspiration has failed me once again and I'm waiting on the light bulb to turn itself on
God give me some to profound to profess because the listener’s attention is fading and I need to change the world
I am a broken fragile man, just trying to make a name for himself
But all my screaming is in vain because the words make no sense and have no weight
The people will exit soon if I don't come up with something to capture the imagination and draw them closer to God
But I am lost in all the fear that's tangled itself around my tiny existence
As each person files through the door, all that's left of my shattered confidence is gone
And I'm left alone... Just me and God.
There's a screaming match where he won't say a word and I'll never win
As I yell through tears how he's been unfair and he quietly reassures me of his love
But I won't get it...