Post Modern History of a Well Worn Heart

I watched you break and fade away
Screaming as they laughed your name
Today was not your day

Arise to the top and forget what you're not
A clean get away is better then to stop
You think about the life you have, the falsehood you've become
A making of something deeper then a lie you've overcome

Wake up oh soul, wake up of child
And take the time to look deep inside
Make up your mind of a life once lost
Oh the feelings that have been tossed
Tonight we take our senses back
Not glancing to see what is lacked

Killing Time Till It's Time To Die

Mark my words, you'll never say a word
That sounds like speech to me
These empty tombs, these corpses lying
Make me stronger in my beliefs
"Fight the system" is no corporate line but a system of lies
Sold to a generation in panic.
Arise oh sleeper, were you ever sleeping
Or have we ignored you all along
We're killing time till you call us home
Oh great and mighty one
Take back the streets from enemies
A godhead where we don't belong
A rushing sound is never the sign
But this silence is deafening
We won't relent our souls to tonight
But our lives mean more to us
So rip out the pews and tear down the curtain
The night is ours and we haven't forgotten
Our convictions bring us to rebellion
Against the loveless one
Without a true God

A little something something (Untitled)

The last sound at night is your voice in my ear
And in the morning I longer for your face to see
My dear, you're never far and never near enough
This distance makes my heart ache
I long for the day when we're together
Forever with you by my side
I wait in anticipation for that day
And hope that you'll remain with me

Dance with Me

Take me away, I'm lost
Drowning myself slowly looking for answers to questions never asked
A piece of me is floating on a river to the sea
Lost and gone forever and broken heart of me
Dance away the pain I feel inside
The wickedness I still conceal
My heart opens to one less perfect then the one whom holds the key
Drown my sorrows one more night, one more time
Take me away and I won't fight
Because all this world is locked inside my soul
And I give nothing back... and I give everything

Awake oh sleeper and kill the day
My mountain side monster, that bastard within me
Take heart and hold on tight to everything I feel
But lock away my fear and replace it with the great hope
Ask me not what's wrong, but hold me close
I wait for peace and love, for a countryside view
Of sunshine on my face, of moonlight spreading grace
This puzzle broken heart put together as one

Fight of Relapse

Focus the image, I'll never come back
Breaking this cycle of needed relax
But the right of myself is lost in the day
Forever a dreamer with little to say
Oh wake my mind and give new life
To the pen and paperless simple of kind
A new generation of laziness breeds
This fire and anger and passion in me
But to do, oh God what do I say
To a people who looks to much like me

"Maybe the Lord will act on our behalf"

Take hold of me and let me breathe
For the fear is still gripping tightly
A shattered dream, I'm afraid I'll come
But there's more to me then this run down job
A purpose in life is all I ask
Yet you've handed me this life long task
Failure lurks within my mind
So I don't dare step out where you're by my side
"Maybe the Lord will act on our behalf"
Or maybe I'll die, or worse, they'll all laugh
It's not that I don't think it's true
This calling that runs through and through
But the fear that some will mock my name
Is causing me to bring you shame

The Price of Beauty

Star light, Star bright
I've captured your radiance here tonight
A look around and the things I see
Do very little to interest me
But the glow I saw when I looked at you
Alone in the sky, I knew it was true
That hope was found in the oddest places
And have you I would, I swore to myself
So the journey began to catch a star
And alas I found it not very hard
The years I've focus all my love
My energy, the desires of heart
To making your beauty only mine
I took you from the world you shined
Ashamed I offer my mistake
To the world to mock me, my created fate

A sailor's letter home

If i was lost at sea with no hope in sight,
I'd send a message in a botle addressed to you.
And the simple note would read "I love you."
In my fleeting moments it would be your face, your memory on my mind.

She Always Wears My Favorite Color

Divided I wake, thy soul unturned
The blessing of caught, of shunned, of burned
Leave now the murderers, flee the scene
Judgment is coming to rapture thee
Alas a new mystery, shrouded in black
Comes calling my name, seductive attack
Run though I must, leaves little unchanged
A new set of problems but my heart is the same

Let This Be a Lesson to The One That Gets Away

I find it very comforting when you talk like that
But your eyes can't hide the frustration inside
So take a step back and listen to lies
Then justify yourself and only to yourself
That words you said meant anything
Anything more then a 10 cent cigarette
That calmed the nerve for the first drag... and nothing after

Drink up, drink up, all your demon friends yelled
So you walked to the bar, your own personal hell
My heart left unchanged and your voice still untrue
But when I walk away, your feelings turn blue
The sorrow now left by my footprint impression
A stain on your soul, yet you learned not a lesson

Oh hardened heart wake up and scream
Today is the day when winter fades to spring
Alas it is coming, the day of your new
Too bad I won't see it, I've broken us too.

40 days worth of poetry

Not really. I did write a handful of poems during my 40 day fast that I will now share.


"A Whisper on the Breeze"

Sadness will infect the mind
And sickness pass comes in due time
Along the roof a whisper carries
On the wind his words to her
You're beautiful
And you are Loved


"The Secret's That Won't Share Themselves"

Her precious past a mystery
The shattered tears of history
A road so painful, so alone
Apart from it she hasn't grown
A hand reached out to take her place
And share the emotion upon her face
She turns her head revealing not
While my aching heart leaves bruised and crushed


"My Heart Screams for Something More Then This Failed Life I Keep"

I feel exposed beyond belief
These paper walls are not discreet
The broken bones of my soul
I have no reason to be told
But through the tears I hear her voice
As in her little frame she holds
My trembling, crying body
With a love I've never known


"The Moment That Seemed to Last Forever"

There is a place I retreat
In the beauty of your love
And I find myself at peace
Awaiting grace above
My heart explodes in singing
In laughter and in tears
I feel myself awaken
In your everlasting arms

All Else Failed

The shattered remains are falling like glass
A glint of hesitation, afraid of what I might ask
The turning of tides has already past
As I sit on the pier, am I really the last?

Tomorrow a shadow of failure unknown
The death of my right hand, the name unbeknownst
Glimmer a spot of blood that was shed
Now empty life floods a voice in my head

A murder so cruel but what's to be done
The need left by one life consumed by new blood
The hearts broken murder
Replaced by new love

Falling of Deaf Ears

Stabs of painted light stand still
Gazing shadows walk faster till
The sound of silence lends a part
The very nature of this art
A glimmer of hope yet all consumed
The very one is chosen still
To bring a message painted black
The ears that fall upon won't last
But somewhere in the smoke filled crowd
An open mind will soon reveal
The meaning to the broken tale
A fragmented line no longer stale
A half drunk soul will leave tonight
With a sense of purpose, that all is right

Her Smiled Warmed My Heart and Her Words Spoke of Hope

I've been running for so long looking for a safe place
But discomfort never seems to far behind
I'm hiding in the shadows looking for a glimpse of hope
And out the corner of my eye the sun does start to show
So without looking back at a starless past
I run into the warmth of the brightly glowing one

Sing Once for Me

Give me a reason to leave but I won’t take it
At this moment without you, I wouldn’t make it
Try with your might to push me away
But an opportunity is all I can say
The moment so sweet with you in my arms
But I want your trust, I promise no harm
My heart in a box, I offer and ask
For you to take it, but not just to smash
The angels in heaven could sing me a song
But a day without you, I’d still feel all wrong
The smile you see, you placed on my lips
And the words I bring now, I ask not to twist
The moments with you are precious but few
And I recall every moment as if it were knew
My ways are not perfect but for you I would change,
My life for the better, if you’d still feel the same
So sing once for me and hold your hand
In a second I’d take it and not let you land,
Alone on the floor with no where to turn
I promise my darling together we’d burn
These words said in honest I give now to you
And please take my honor, that these things are true.

Maybe They Will Sing for Us Tomorrow

This is a piece I wrote while listening to the new Hammock record.


"Moments feel endless, as angels pass unaware
Their songs once filling heaven, now stifle in dead air
We all mourn the passing of a day long since gone
The mouths of the poets echo confused song
Still I whisper a shout that is heard by not one
And I keep coming back to a love holding on
Creep though I may, through broken hallway glass
I want just to be near, though not to see when I pass
Mistake of my heart, mistake of the day
From beginning of Winter, till this day in May
My footsteps are heard in the big empty house
A look and a smile and I feel like a louse
I fix my gaze away, ashamed and despaired
But in the moment of stillness, there’s forgiveness in the air
With tear filled eyes I run through the streets
A new joy in spirit, no sense of defeat
With the dawn of the day, the rise of the sun
Comes a moment to redeemed my life I have ruined
Maybe there is hope through my sorrow
Maybe they will sing for us tomorrow.

At 5, The City Sleeps

I wish the night would last forever
And I would hold you in my arms
But the mornings dawn is closer still
Alas my love, I leave at will
Knowing come tomorrow's sun
It's your eyes my mind's set upon
And I'll wait until we meet again
To hold once more my love and friend

A Song for...

"You are grace in understanding
A whisper in my pain filled world
The joy that takes my breathe away
A light amid the pearls

The love shines through at night
And in his heart, you take delight
An angel smile across your lips
And my life feels so alive"

I Feel in Love on a Metro Train

As conversation died on that rainy night
We rode the train north ward, to conclude our time
The drone of the engine and coffee breath
You lay your head against my neck
In silence we rode sitting close to each other
And I would not have asked for another
To share this moment with this eve
Then the pretty young girl sleeping next to me.

Lament

Time has brought me back to this empty pier
Where I first set sail so many years ago
To find a place I'd never seen before
Well all that time I'd left a love ignored
Her once star lit eyes have dulled with age
And her love for me and flame now dead
As we faced each other this one last time
We both can see that our love has died
And I the murderer that faithful day
When I left her heart at dock on the bay.

Lost in Paris

Salvation is here but you fled the scene
And I look for a friend but all I find are these four walls.
The freedom you spoke of has yet to arrive
I just feel trapped and lost inside
This great peace hasn't shown up yet
And freedom in Christ, seems choked out yet
There's a glimmer of hope at the end of each day
If only someone was around to cast it my way
I know there's something more in this life with Christ
But you abandoned me to a church full of flies
And I'm looking hard, and harder still
To find this powerful God and his will
But this place is full of hypocrites and liars
And my sin to them makes me stink of bile
So I pray and pray and I call out to God
To save my soul from being a fraud
And bring me into amazing grace
I'd feel you shining down on my face
I know you're out there and so much more
Then this four wall black mail, chains on doors
So far I flee from this wicked place
And finally I find your sweet embrace

Nothing in This World Feels Right

"It seems every minute spent away is a moment to many
And this night I have seen that my moments are few
So I sit on the edge of this beach you have made
Praying for hours that you'd take me away

Take me away to land far away
Something like Oz that most people call heaven
A fairy tale love in a fairy tale world
With a preposterous God
That I'd call mine own"

Tears of an Angel

In a garden over grown
I'm sure I've seen it all
And I sit wondering to myself
Is this it?

Then I look up by the rose bush
To see an angel alone
And as I venture my way closer
I hear her tiny sobs

I sit down right beside her
Not knowing what to say
She's a broken angel
And I'm just a man

The moment lasts for hours
As the sun makes it's way to bed
When she finally turns to me
And lays her precious head.

In her rest I see quite clearly
Why she was crying all alone
She's my guardian angel
And I'm her broken boy.

New Stuff... well semi new stuff

I haven't taken the time over the past week to post anything new so here you go.

Early thoughts while taking a walk on a cold morning
"Around every turn I take
A cold wind smacks me in the face
Just like you did that night...

And I swore my love, that I'd have revenge
For the mockery you did make of then then
But... that thought was quick fleeting.

For how can I hurt your pretty face? "


Stars
"Explosion in the night, sent tiny stars a flying
All around the universe they sailed never knowing
Their final destination was meant to be
A piece of hope that glimmered in my life "


Every Now And Then I'm Inspired, Despite my Present Outlook (The Fear is What Keeps Us Here)
"A calm rains falls at my feet
And in a distance memory I see
Her face that very faithful day
When I released the feelings held

Her words still hit me like a knife
A cold mantra practice over time
And I'd heard these very words before
From the same lips that spoke them now.
A cold shade of blue filled my room
And all that was beautiful, broke in full bloom

And though I'd never seen an angel cry
I've heard the devil laugh many a time
And it was that moment she spoke to me
Maybe, someday, just wait and see. "


Nothing More Then a Pretty Face
"At face value she was nothing more then a pretty face in the crowd
But there was a passion, a fire, behind her beautiful eyes.
It seem such a shame, that at such a young age
In the form of a man, her song was taken away.
Pain grew with age, the hurt inside of rape
She said “**** the world” and at her bed she lay.

But Lord from on high, came down to her side
And breathed in new forgiveness and completeness inside.
Awaken she found, her poor heart restored
And a love that she’d thought, was dead on her floor.

The smile shines brighter, then I’d seen before
As she walks hand in hand, with her lover, The Lord. "

Innocent Girl (Do You Even Exist)

She tortures me with her sinister smile (but oh how beautiful it looks tonight).
And I scream for this to end as her stare lingers just a second longer.
And she's out the door but it's to late
She's got my attention and it's killing me
This beautiful one, this evil one
The girl will be the death of me
But we'll never find out....
She's gone and I'm alone, another one of her tortured souls.

Like playing second fiddle in a two fiddle band

"No Clearance" the sign read,
As she walked away shaking her head
Once again she's been past over
She's waiting on a train to take her away

Once upon a time, she'd of been a queen
And people from the around the world would have come to see
The beauty evidence through her life would show
In all the world her greatness would grow

But she'd been rejected for the last time
No more living outcast and damned
The trains arrival, her ticket out
Of this cruel world, to heaven she's bound

Faith Expressing Itself In Love

I thought for a long time about the things I would say
But the word that came were just a spare memory
And how would express this thing
The joy in my heart, that makes me want to sing (not that I'd actually do it)

Love them were the words that made the most sense
So I put down my pen and left hoping for a chance
To meet someone new and show them a side
Of a new kind of humanity, with Christ's love inside

I Don't Believe You (She Acts Like We Never Have Met)

On a cold December night
We sit outside her favorite restaurant
Chain smoking with all the vagabonds
Singing all our favorite Dylan songs
And I plead into her emerald eyes
"Doll please don't go!"
Yet her moves betray the very words
She spoke to me the night before
"It's not for long, my dearest one"

Conflict

"The only thing worth writing about is the human heart in conflict with itself"
William Faulkner


Early morning thoughts while taking a walk in the cold

"Around every turn I take
A cold wind smacks me in the face
Just like you did that night...

And I swore my love, that I'd have revenge
For the mockery you did make of then then
But... that thought was quick fleeting.

For how can I hurt your pretty face? "


Going Remorselessly to Hell with a Piano

"In spite of better judgement I let her take me by the hand and led me out the door
This night will end badly but I need her like a newborn to their mother
And though come morning I will forget the reason why
I let her lead to the back alley bar that Satan himself owns.

Through the door I see that evil grin as the devil pours another shot
And though I shouldn't, I accept it willingly
Tonight let's feast like kings because the reality of tomorrow will just depress me.

She leads me to the corner booth that just last week I swore I wouldn't be back to
And with the sweetest voice I've heard tonight she whispers "Kiss Me"

And I offer up a simple prayer, 'Lord please forgive me"

See I know where this night ends... "

Sex is a Tragedy That Ends in Heartache

We took a trip to the city
All the girls outside were pretty
But I had the most gorgeous one of all right beside me.

Then we took a trip to the country
And there were butterflies a plenty
But their beauty paled in comparison to you.

But beauty is not what I care most about
So I planned this little trip
To see if there was more to us then making love

And what I found is I'm a weak man
And I saw that your a hypocrite
That only praise God when it benefits you the most.

So what to say to a former love
Whom I know this won't end nicely
But alas I step aside and break her heart

And she ran off to foreign countries
Where she would one day get married
And I stay at home and spent the rest of my life alone.

I regret, not a single moment I spent without her
For the silence let me spend
Some much needed time with my precious Lord.

Send More Stars

It seems to me that what I have in a discipline problem
But Lord I can't figure it out on my own
So I sit under the stars and meditate on the name
The saved my life from death and and the grave
But that day seems for very far and changed so much
And I continue to fight with this idea of you
And who I'm supposed to be in you
And I don't agree with the rest of thee
Who claim to be just like me
But they don't get the ideas I see...

...if it was happiness I had really wanted I wouldn't still be here...

But I am and that means there's more to this !

So I must confess it feels pretty hopeless sometimes
And my ways seem so far off track with what you did
But give up shall I not, for I fight the fight and push upstream
Because I'm not the norm in their church philosophy

But... that's not why I'm here anyway.

p.s. Send more Stars.

When I Didn't Run, She Turned Away

There was whiskey on her breathe and death in her smile
And she held my attention, if only for a little while
And so I left her there in South Berlin
At the wall dividing river states
And the song she sang as I raised the sails
Was not one to contemplate

See it was that girl who played with my heart
So I had to run away
From her beautiful smile and heart breaker eyes
That would steal the rest of my days.

Shakespeare wasn't far off

All the world's a stage
Though I'm not great actor
But I have one hell of a mask
And when it's on you'll never even see the real me
And that's just how I like it, I'd much rather hide
Because on the inside I'm mighty flawed
And I'm not sure I want you to see what's really me

Angela's Song

There's an expression of time that hides in her eyes
But I saw it once when she shared a smile
And my heart did break as she shed a tear
And freed herself from childish fear.

Red Wine on Christmas

With a glass of red wine and Vince Guaraldi on
I sit by myself beside the Christmas tree
I reflect on the year and look through the greed
And like good ole Charlie Brown
I try to find meaning.
Because it's not that I mind the gifts under the tree
Infact I'm looking forward to the ones that belong to me
But I know that there's more and I know that you care
Because if you hadn't, I wouldn't be here still
So I take this small moment, on a cold Christmas eve
With a now empty wine glass and a cat at my sleeve
And say thanks to my father, whose love I still need

The Problem

I could count for years how I lost my way
And by your standards, today was not a good day
See I try and fail
And I try again... only to fail again
Oh whoa is me that I can't seem to ever get this right
G*d what must be done, when will I see the light
Or will I wander around forever
Looking for a peace that will never come?

My past remains and in this moment my futures not bright
And the struggle is seems endless but I continue to suggest a fight
But my own self is weak
And the affliction runs deep
But the choice is still mine
And I've considered defeat.

Though I pray for forgiveness and say that I'm sorry
By this time tomorrow, it's the same old story
Though G*d never gives up
I'm still breaking his heart
I feel lost and alone
Not sure where to start.

The Devil is Near But I Wouldn't Want Her Anywhere Else

My love, my love stand next to me
And wrap your frame oh so tightly
Even though all you'll cause me is pain
I love it when you're near all the same
Because despite my deep dark hate of you
There's this thing in my heart that won't go without
That smile you give is oh so nice
And if I never see it again I wouldn't think twice
Because behind those eyes, oh Gorgeous eyes
Is your sisister heart, with your evil plan
But I prayed before and I'll pray again
For God to keep you in his hands
But until the day you make your turn
I'll continue to hold you near.

je leverai les yeux a toi.

Something my friend Lindsay posted earlier today.

"Why do we live for anything but Him? Why do we chase things that are meaningless? Why do we run for things that'll kill us in the end? Why do we keep our focus on death?

Why can't we live for what we should? Why can't we run after Him with everything we have?

Oh but we can!

Why do we choose to look the other way? Why do we choose to be ignorant? Why do we choose to hold on? Why do we choose to care? Why do we choose to follow the world... even if we say we're not? Why do we fall, and stay there, instead of getting back up? Why can't we be bigger then ourselved? We never live for anything but ourselves, and i don't understand it. We're all human, we aren't perfect, but... we can strive for that.

We can put ourselves behind us, and run for the cross.

Weekend works

There's a Heartache Over the Rainbow

With every passing step she took
I knew she'd never give a look
Back the way from which she came
Her life she thought best to begin again

"The ship set sail that faithful day
And holding on, her mighty claim
That would speak of fairy tales
About her life, amist the gales

She never thought herself ordinary
A prince or king she thought she'd marry
So she left behind a common life
Only to become a sailors wife

And her one true love she left behind
Would not last long, with her gone he died
But a single tear he never shed
On wings of angels is how fled

Over the rainbow, to heaven above
To only one he really loved."



Untitled

"There's this joy in my heart that I wish I could hide
Because after joy shortly follows is pain
And try as I might to relish the moment
The tide comes in and my shattered heart washes into the sea.

And I pour myself out, to a God I can't see
Asking to fix my brokenness, and put my frantic mind at ease

Colaspsed on the shore, I feel joy returning
And I hold on too tightly
For the tide starts it's churning

A whisper is shared, with the sea coming in
My heart now restored, as my joys swept away. "

A song about a girl. Who found God... and then vanished

How could I consider letting go
Of the light, that I seen, inside her grow
To a woman, whose love you chose to show
And the grace that touched her heart.

To me you lead her wanting
For a truth, to her seemed new
And my heart leapt of prayers answered
Of the girl I always knew

But alas our time was fleeting
And she's sailed a different course
But can I just turn and leave her
My heartbeats with more remorse

...And... I'd already fallen in love...

"Forgive Me" were the only words they read...

"Reconciliation!
I hope to find through my confession
Accept this as a demonstration of love."

My Sin has a hold of Me

"What must it take for me to prove
Holy and righteous, unblemeshed to you?

But the stain on my heart runs deep within
A sick twist crimson, in the form of my sin.

Yet the only one who can take my blame
Is the very one I've put to shame.

So I hide myself from the very one
Who no matter how I try, I can't escape from.

I wish, so sincere, but a strong will I lack
And I run to whore, who's knife's in my back."

Bell of the Ball

When she enters the room
She makes every head turn
She's the Bell of the ball
She the fairest of all

But tonight is the night
With her target in sight
She'll not wait another moment
For Mr. Right to blow it

She's calling the shots
And taking her chances
While the other girls mock
And return to their dances

But she won't be dismayed
She's made up her mind
And the whole town will talk
But oh what a find

With courage in hand
And hope in her heart
She approaches the man
But has no place to start...

Confusion aside
She takes him aside
"I'm in love" she exclaims
With a smile real wide.

Back Doors Lead to Secrets

She walks into the room with presence of importance
And from my dark little corner I stare... just a moment to long

But she walks on by...

And I return to my beer, as she exits from the rear...

But for just one moment I sensed it in the air
That there was more that just happened here...

Not that I'll ever know

November Rain

She turns to me and smiles
With a look she only gives me
And I wrap my arounds her
Never wanting to let go
And her deep blue eyes search through me
So I look down to meet her gaze
And we stand embraced for hours
In the cool November rain.

I woke up inspired

Various writings throughout the day.

“Death on the Mind”

Thought after though rolled around in my head
But the one at the front was I wish she was dead.




“To Love an Orphan”

Oh little girl, in her room all alone
In the little orphanage, that you call a home.
Out the window you stare, with hope in your eyes
Praying that today, you’d be this family’s worthwhile.

A quick check in the cracked mirror
To make sure your hair straight
With your pretty red dress on
You head down the stairs to greet.

An old man and his old wife
Sit quietly on the couch
And with a gentle smile
You silently approach

A word or two is shared
Between you and this dear couple
And then you’re escorted
So they can chat a while

Worry crowds your head
And you begin to fear the worst
When in walks the old lady
And your stomach starts to lurch

She reaches down to touch
Your sun stroked golden hair
Then puts her arms around you
And whispers “Please come home my dear.”

With joy you start to cry
And say a simple prayer
Thanking God your sending
Little girls like you his favor.




“If It’s Over, Say It’s Over”

Months pass, and I’m began to get the sense
That she’s long since gotten over me.
But how could that be?

It seems like only yesterday
When conversation came naturally
And we’d sit and talk about spiritual things
But she’s long since spent anytime at all
Trying to hold court with me about just anything.

And I’d give up hope
But I prayed to God
That if she’s still around
Then she’d just drop a line.
(isn’t it funny when you ask God for something, he answers?)

Then she gives me a call, just to say hi
And I throw up my hands and think
“God why?”

But secretly I smile and wait for the day
When my precious friend
Comes home to stay.




“Father, Savior, King”

Lifestyle fragmentation on the floor
And I couldn’t have ever asked for more
Then a loving Father, Savior, King
Whatever you are, you’re just right for me

You walked into the room and put the pieces together
Of my poor broken heart, I couldn’t do better
Then a loving Father, Savior, King
Whoever you are, thanks for saving me.

New Work

I did a little writing today.


"The God and the Devil are Raging Inside Me"

here was a lock on the door but you kicked it in
And I said "HELL NO! I won't let you win!"

But the devil himself came thru the front door
And started to wreak havoc all over my heart.

And I cried and tried to defeat him myself
But oh did Satan defeat me with my own doubt.

So I prayed to the Lord to take back control
And get rid of the best who had his hold

And the Lord to me, oh precious one
This may take some time before it's done.

"Oh my God, that's fine with me
As long as the end product is victory."

And the war began between God and the Devil
Over my heart, which I couildn't defend.

But the promise remains,
Jesus Wins!


"The One Who Almost Went Astray"

Hope had never seemed so far away
Then it had when he ran, on that cold winter's day

From a town full of problems, he'd know leave behind
And he'd end up somewhere, where they couldn't find

No tlong after leaving, he was tapped on his shoulder
By his guardian angel, just hovering over

"Where is it you plan on ending up?"

"I'm not sure yet but it'll be better than this
But I most push on or my train I will miss."

"Your problems will follow
Wherever you go.
And your mother is sick
Young man, please head home."

"But this damn town will get me, if I stick around."

"If you'd change your perspective, you'd see another side of this old town.

You're young and confused and running away
From the people who love you and want you to stay."

"But I've spent my whole, the unwanted bastard son."

"Tell that to your mother, who even of her death bed,
Prays desperately for her loved ones.

Now hurry home quick and start sharing your love,
With the poor folks in town, those who have none."

So he turned and began, the slow walk into town
While up in the heavens, God smiled down

On a son once lost, who had now become found
And the love he would show, the once run down town.

The Fire Snowfall Brings HOPE! ...and worry

The first snowfall fall brings HOPE!, and worry...

He sits by window in favorite chair
And through splintered glass, just just stares

At autmun leaves come tumbling down
From big oak trees, high, HIGH above the ground.

And dreams of the day when the first snowflake falls
And the joy it will bring... well maybe.

With the first snow of winter comes home his dear love
From her ocean side house, which she went long ago.

And so much has changed, since that spring afternoon
When she kissed him goodbye and said "I'll be back someday soon."

With jacket in hand he heads for the door
And lights up a smoke, to wonder some more

His hearts to shatters, then skips
But he's just not sure yet

Will she like his new beard, that he grew in the spring
And his mind keeps on wandering, to if she still wears his ring.

With nothing left to put his mind at ease
He heads into town for a bite to eat.

But he hopes with his heart that snow will come soon
And he can be with his love, from midnight to noon.

Coffee and Cigarettes

In a dark room, in a back booth, sit a lonely man.

And coffee and cigarettes rest in his hands.

With each shaky sip, with each deepening draft

He contemplates the years gone pass.

From bitter divorce and ugly death

To long lost loves, on the oceans depth

Lost in the moment, a waitress walks by

"Sir, may I refill glass?" and he begins to cry.

In confusion she steps to leave

But the man reached out and grabbed her sleeve.

"I'm sorry miss but I must confess

You look just like my daughter in the light blue dress."

With fresh coffee in hand, he lights another smoke

And heads for door, putting back on his coat.

Outside the door, a stranger approaches,

"Sir would mind lending a smoke?"

For a moment they sit, smoking in silence...


Before the stranger turns to leaves
He asks the man, "Would you like to find peace?"

In relief he cries, "Oh Jesus"
"I thought that was you but I wasn't sure'

"If you follow me, I can take all that pain
And you'll never feel unloved again."

As the sailor and Jesus walk down that dark alley

With cold cups of coffee and cigarette ashes trailing

They enter ia friendship, no one can destroy

The mans heart now filled, with nothing but Joy!

The Collected Works of...

I'm going to post a couple of poems tonight. The first is a poem I wrote called "BANG!" The other two are poems written by my friend Lindsay with some addition by me. Enjoy.


"BANG!"

"The whisper of her bombshell broke my heart

BANG!

The gunshot rang out like a flashlight in the dark.

I tried to grasp the meaning in her words and failed.

I saw her jacket on the bed
As I feel to the ground, motionless and dead.

The devil in a white dress.

She stared down at me, bent down and kissed me.
Whispered on our wedding night, I don't love dear.

It would've broken my heart, I might've shed a tear.

But things like this don't matter.
My new bride was my killer.

I tried to grasp her words and failed...

Because I was already dead."



"Your Song"

"Singing with the wind,
(I SCREAM)

Dancing in the rain
(Letting it soak deeply)

Don't look back, your on your way.
(and I am left behind)

You can't see,
(Blinded by your fears)

You can't hear.
(drowning in your tears)

But you have all you need.
(Does this include me?)

All you'll ever need.
(Not including me)

You may not know where you're going,
(On this journey you have started)

But don't look back,
(That's dangerous)

You're on your way.
(to find that place called home)

What's tomorrow without today?
(more empty, broken promises)

What's a beginning without an end?
(too many tears you don't need to cry)

What's love without some pain?
(another empty ritual)

What's joy without Your song?
(Sing to me again) "



"The Voice in the Corner"

"A voice!

She heard her playing in her mind.

Who is this girl I hear?
Where's the voice(passion) I once knew.

A cold breeze freezes the room.
She waits, ever so silently,
She waits for something new.

COME and save me! HEAR me out!

Where is the beauty i once knew(I once was)?
Where is the smile that once broke the silence?

Who is she? What does she want? Could she be...

Come and save me. "

Making Right the Mistakes of My Youth

If tonight is the night that I breathe my last breath
Then I'm taking this moment to make request.

Will you go out to the street and find this young girl
Then bring her to my side before to heaven I go.

With my last bit of strength, I'll take her hand
And look deep in her eyes and say like a man

I'm sorry I left you, that cold November day
When you wait by docks, til the first week in May

See, I wasn't sure I ready to make you my wife
A decision I regretted the rest of my life.

But before I passed, I had to make it right
And make sure that you knew, you were the love of life.

So take care young girl and please don't hold a grudge
Against your untamed sailor, who wasn't sure of love.

At Night, The Sky Shows Death

I sit alone under a half moon sky
And with unlit cigarettes I scream GOD WHY?

But when no reply comes I just sit and cry.

I don’t want to question the way that you move
But if you’re not real, I won’t live without you.

Chase the Lion

Mark Batterson posted this on his blog and I love it so I'm posting it.

Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshiping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze a new trail. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away.

Hearts

I should be seeping right now but I was hit with a verse and wanted to write it real quick.

"Winter hearts will break whence freezed
And summer hearts burn easily.
In Spring and fall we mend and sew
our shattered hearts for new loves to hold.
But our twine is fragile and again we'll break
our little hearts we give away.
We sit and wait, and watch and hope
for someone to come and fill this hole.
To love us in the heat and snow
Through our highs and in our lows.
We sit by window sills and stare
At our one true love, just standing there.
They knock at our door and call name
But we're tired of playing this silly game.
The sun goes down and they walk away,
but tomorrow is another day."

World Waits

I really need to start taking the advice I give to others for myself. It's so easy for me to offer advice and give encouragment without taking that advice for myself. Lately I've really felt like I need some encouragment in my life.

Anyway, the advice I gave/give that I should take for myself is to not let screw ups to mess up your life and throw you of course. I think as a christian it's easy for me to beat myself up for messing up and missing the mark but God wants us to get up and continue. We're only human and we're not perfect and we're going to miss the mark from time to time. The idea is to not give up but to keep going.


Here's a video for Jeremy Enigk's song "World Waits". It's an incredible song (and incredible album) that I've been listening to a lot lately.

Just ask

A quick in the moment inspiration post. I was reading in Exodus and what Moses says to God sticks out to me.

"Moses said to the LORD, "You have been telling me, 'Lead these people,' but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, 'I know you by name and you have found favor with me.' If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.
"The LORD replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."

Then Moses said to him, "If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?"

And the LORD said to Moses, "I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name."

Then Moses said, "Now show me your glory."

And the LORD said, "I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. But," he said, "you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live."

Then the LORD said, "There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen."

Exodus 33:12-23

I think sometimes we're so afraid to ask God for something because we're afraid he'll say no or we'll not get an answer but Moses wasn't afraid. He knew what he wanted and what he wanted God to do for him and the people of Israel and he just asked God.

Don't be afraid to ask. Be bold and ask!

Inspiration

Moving Forward
by Rainer Maria Rilke

"The deep parts of my life pour onward,
as if the river shores were opening out.
It seems that things are more like me now,
That I can see farther into paintings.
I feel closer to what language can't reach.
With my senses, as with birds, I climb
into the windy heaven, out of the oak,
in the ponds broken off from the sky
my falling sinks, as if standing on fishes."







THE DAWN OF WEIRD
by Derrick C Brown

‘Twas the dawn of Weird
and I had woken up early.

There was no difference between
sky and sea,
so dogs chased tennis balls into the shore break
of cumulus clouds.

Sea lions flew point
in the formations of sparrows.

Fishermen caught birds,
apologized
and set them free.
The birds were understanding and as a gift
brought back worm sandwiches
which were surprisingly tasty.

Airplanes landed safely underwater
as mermaids guided us in with pop-electric jellyfish.

Guns had turned to black licorice.
All the cops were nibbling on shotguns
and one by one all the criminals cried
and turned themselves in
to the dentist.

Hospitals morphed and became
rubber bounce castles.
They had to call security
to usher out the scalpels
and to keep the elderly
from hogging the twisty slide.

Billboards became drive-in movie screens
replaying what our feet looked like
when we were chasing our dreams.

Everyone walked home.

And all the tombstones
in all the graveyards
crumbled into seeds.

Flora bloomed immediately.

Bees halted on the outskirts
of the cemetery walls,
reverence for the ending,
the passing of all.

With antennae bowed
and honey tears starting,
they pledged to stand guard
of the bright human garden.

The largest pile of flowers…
It rose from your name.
The wind swelled a whisper
That said

‘They’re O.K., they’re all O.K.’

My Lord, it was a solid mountain of sunflowers.

The world blazed in color and I welcomed the change.
It was the dawn of weird and the morning of strange.

Amazing how all this
did come to pass,
just a child cutting loose
in a poetry class.

Be a Light

8/4 Journal Entry

Be A Light:

Jesus called us a light. A couple things jump to my mind. First is this picture of light as a guide. When it’s dark people gravitate towards the light. When the power goes out people looking something, anything to illuminate the darkness.

The other picture I get is that of a lighthouse. Used as a warning to ships. Lights used to warn of danger ahead. I think the metaphor Jesus used is often taken to only mean a guide. It’s often used as a reference to the world around us. That we Christians, as the light of Christ, are meant to be light in the darkness, to illuminate our world. But what if some of us are called to be lighthouses? What if our purpose, as the light of Christ, is to help steer others away from poor choices, from impending doom, from the rocky cliff up ahead? If God cares for people and people will know us by our love what better way to show the love of God then by helping keep others safe. Helping a friend make the right choice. Yes people can be the light in the darkness to attract others to them but I thank God for the people who have been lighthouses in my life. Those who have helped keep me from making poor decisions.

Throw in the Towel

A reflection of this weekends sermon.

Loving others is serving others.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees."
(Hebrews 12:12)

Be Prepared

Today's journal entry.

Be Prepared:

God has a plan for my life. I’m pretty sure I know bits and pieces of it. The hardest part for me is to take initiative. The biggest reason for this is I’m not sure what those steps may be. I think we overlook the practical things because we believe God is in control and will take care of us and provide. Although this is true, we still need to be active in our part of the will of God. I will never make an album if I don’t write songs and record them. I will never meet my future wife if I don’t ask out anyone. God can’t show me my new place to live if I don’t go looking for it. We tend to think that if it’s God’s will then everything will be taken care of. So we sit on our ass and wait until God drops his will into our laps. Bad news fellows, this isn’t how it works. It’s easy to fall prey because we want God to be in control and we don’t want to mess up his will for us. The problem is by not doing anything we completely miss his will altogether.

People throughout the bible messed up all the time. Jonah didn’t want to go where God told him to go. He got eaten by whale, spit out, and eventually went where God told him to go. Paul, who wrote most of the new testament, was killing Christians before he got saved. Peter denied Jesus 3 times and he was the one who spoke on the day of Pentecost. It’s better to try and fail then to sit around waiting for something to happen. Nothing will happen if we don’t move. God gives us second chances. Eventually we will get it right. We just need to be active and try.

Becoming Christlike

My journal entry for today.

Be Christlike:

Jesus gave us two great commandments, Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and Love your neighbor as yourself. The shortest verse in the bible is “Jesus wept”. This means absolutely nothing to anyone out of context. It’s just a dumb fact that we as Christians know because it was taught in Sunday school. Most of us don’t know what this verse means. The context is Lazarus has just died. Jesus is grieved by the death of his friend and his weeping shows the people around him that Jesus loved and cared for Lazarus. Jesus’ ministry is about love. More then the miracles, healings, teachings, and feedings it’s about love and compassion. Everything Jesus did was motivated by a compassion and empathy for the people who needed him. My attempts to become for like Christ will be in vain until I learn to show the same love and compassion the he did.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:8

Broken Mirrors, Missed Ships

My God
Why can't I accept what I am?
Why must I hate your creation?

So I sit and stare at the mirror in your word
Hoping for a revelation to break this retched curse

But as time goes by it gets harder and harder for me to break through
All the make-up, clothes, and mirrors that I've become attached to.

So I sit and wait and I contemplate
As the beauty of my life drifts further into waste.

And when revaltion finally comes
When I learn to really, truly love
Will the things for me have passed me by
Or will a second change be right behind?

When They Really Get to Know You They Will Run

Here's a little video with former Pedro the Lion frontman David Bazan about christianity and the church and how it relates to him and his music.




"I could buy you a drink
I could tell you all about it
I could tell you why i doubt it
and why I still believe"

The Fleecing by Pedro the Lion

[Ignorant before the heavens of my life]

[Ignorant before the heavens of my life]

Ignorant before the heavens of my life,
I stand and gaze in wonder. Oh the vastness
of the stars. Their rising and descent. How still.
As if I didn't exist. Do I have any
share in this? Have I somehow dispensed with
their pure effect? Does my blood's ebb and flow
change with their changes? Let me put aside
every desire, every relationship
except this one, so that my heart grows used to
its farthest spaces. Better that it live
fully aware, in the terror of its stars, than
as if protected, soothed by what is near.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Attraction Is More Than Looks (Rough)

With beauty ever fleeting
She runs into your arms
And finds love in a savior
That man she could find not

Embraced in transformation
You turned her life a new
An answer to the prayers
That you gave me long ago

A relationship was formed
Based on loving you
And the attraction grew into me
That was more then just her beauty

With tear streaked cheeks I pray
Not to let her go
But to bring the people to her
That will only help her grow

I thank you God for this
New found friend I have
The joy that she brings to me
The blessing she's become

When the Transformed Rebuild and Bring Justice

I''ve spent the past couple of weeks listening to Rick McKinley's series on Transformation. This was a series taken from Isaiah 61 and the transformation that God wants to bring in our lives. The later part of the verse talks about God's transformaed people rebuilding the ciy and how God loves justice. And as I was driving home from the grocery store this evening this concept finally clicked.

The simple fact that God wants people to go into the broken places of the world, of our communities, and bring the transformation he's done in us to these places. But we as a church don't go. We "don't belong" in the ghettos, in the broken places. And as this thought hit me as to why rebuilding and justice isn't taking place in our world it really made me mad.

Late summer/early fall I'm moving. My desire to be closer to the city (DC) and my limited funds have forced me to look inot areas where people I know ask me if I'm crazy. "Aren't you worried something bad will happen?" It makes me wonder what we're trusting God for. We'll send missionairies to third world countries and places of danger but we have a fear of going to the broken places in the world for fear that something bad might happen to us. It's hard to make a difference when we all live in nice houses in the country next to our neighbors from our church.

My desire is to be in the middle of what God is doing and I believe God is waiting to do something exciting and he wants to bring transformation and a rebuilding and justice to the broken places of this world. He just have to avail ourselves to go where he leads.


I'm working on a poem called (at the moment) "Her Deep Beauty"". It's about a friend of mine and what makes her such a joy to be around. That should be posted early this week.

Not Dead

I've been meaning to post something new for a while but I seem to always find something else to do. In the next couple of weeks I'll be more productive. In two weeks I'll be posting some thoughts on art in connection with God and share a little more about Something Beautiful.

Part of the point of starting this blog was to share some of my writings and poems and I'm going to post a couple over the next couple of days.

So there will be content coming.

The Art of Unlearning

Just wanted to share a verse that I came across by accident last night. I was flipping through my bible and came to Job and stopped on this verse I had highlighted some time ago.

"In the past you have encouraged many a troubled soul to trust in God; you have supported those who were weak. Your words have strengthed the fallen; you steadied those who wavered. But now when trouble strikes, you faint and are broken. Does your reverence for God give you no confidence? Shouldn't you believe God will care for those who are upright?"
Job 4:3-6

It was an encouragement to me that God does bring people to take care of you in your times of trial and people who will help pick you up.

Down Toward Healing

I've been meaning to post here for a couple weeks now. I've had things to say but no structure to what I was saying. So here I am, not with really anything profound but just some thoughts of late.

I've started a project called Something Beautiful. It's an open forum expression of creativity. The reason the whole literal six day creation bugs me is because I feel it dismisses the idea of God the creator. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth (Gen 1:1). The idea of creation makes me believe he took time and alot of thought in the shaping, the molding, the inner workings of the world we live in. How things would adapt and evolve. So I'm working a website and some other things to showcase art work, film, photography, poems, music, whatever. Things that represent that creative spirit God has place in us.

The other things hitting home is how much God loves us and takes care of us. April was a month of great joy and excitement for me but it was also the hardest month of my life where I had to look toward God and cling to his promise to take of me. And everytime I came to God asking him for help he came through. It's really exciting to see God answer prayers and bring miracles into my life as I needed them. God brought the right people around me to pray for me or give me a word of encouragement when I need it.

I read a book a couple weekends ago called In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson (Pastor at National Community Church, where I attend). It seemed like everything Mark was writing was a reenforcement of what God wanted to do in my life and where he was taking me.

I'm looking forward to this summer and Something Beautiful starting up and a couple other cool things. I'm excited. Get Excited!

Easter Thoughts

"See, my servant will prosper; he will be highly exalted. But many were amazed when they saw him.His face was so disfigured he seemed hardly human, and from his appearance, one would scarcely know he was a man. And he will startle many nations. Kings will stand speechless in his presence. For they will see what they had not been told; they will understand what they had not heard about. Who has believed our message? To whom has the Lord revealed his powerful arm? My servant grew up in the Lord’s presence like a tender green shoot, like a root in dry ground. There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance, nothing to attract us to him. He was despised and rejected— a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care. Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins! But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed. All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all. He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led like a lamb to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth. Unjustly condemned, he was led away. No one cared that he died without descendants, that his life was cut short in midstream. But he was struck down for the rebellion of my people. He had done no wrong and had never deceived anyone. But he was buried like a criminal; he was put in a rich man’s grave. But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush him and cause him grief. Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have many descendants. He will enjoy a long life, and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in his hands. When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied. And because of his experience, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for he will bear all their sins. I will give him the honors of a victorious soldier, because he exposed himself to death. He was counted among the rebels. He bore the sins of many and interceded for rebels."

Isaiah 52:13- 53:12

"Amazing Grace"

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

In a Sweater Poorly Knit

So I should be going to bed but I wanted to post this real quick. This is a video I saw on youtube. It's Aaron Weiss from mewithoutYou talking about forgiveness. An interesting video and I love mewithoutYou and the things Aaron has to say. So enjoy...

What She Said

So tonight I'm going to give you some poetry. These few poems were written by my sister Karol. Enjoy.

Beautiful Nightmare

Beautiful Nightmare scared me to death
Tore out my insides and sucked out my breath
Beautiful nightmare laughed in my face
Shredded my heart up and crowded my space Beautiful nightmare
evil and stiff
Made me bleed and pushed me off of a cliff Beautiful nightmare
one that I hate
Your decietful lies was your one better trait

Karol Lynne Patton

Graceful Heart

Riding with the wind, free as a bird
Devotedly waiting just to be heard
A call in the rain saying have thine own way
Yet to be amused as you sit and wait
As it is for your Heart to be contained
your head says that you are to be blamed
Ye naturally grows so beautiful, so graceful
as Ye once were so little in Ye cradle

Karol Lynne Patton

Untitled

I try so hard to find the words to say
How great is this God to Whom i pray
He is My desire, My home, My lite
He sent his son to die and save my life
He helps me through those troubled times
He is sweet, Honest, and also kind
He loves me every single Day
He gives me a lite so i can see the way.

Karol Lynne Patton

Disconnected

I keep holding my breath well I am trying to breathe
Drowning but swimming
I am quietely loud while being noisily silent
can't seem to hide from life when I am trying to find it
I am disconnected
broken off
lost
I am backtracking forward
Losing my grip
Starting to trip
Flying
Crying
Lying
Hiding
Finding
I am me, I am disconnected

Karol Lynne Patton

All poems Copyright ©2007 Karol Lynne Patton

...Trying to Stop an Echo

So this is going to be something more of a collection of thoughts instead of one post. I've had a whole mess of things on my mind and haven't found a way to make sense of them so I'm going to throw them all out at once and hope something is taken from it.

First off is my disgust with the media. And by media I mean the news. I think it's a sad statement about America that our top 2 news stories for a week have been the body of Anna Nicole Smith and Britney Spears gone crazy. I've tried to come up with a good reason to personally care about either story but I can't find one. Celebrity in America makes me sick. Our complete fascination with the messed up lives of others. It's the concept of reality TV. So we can watch other people who are slightly more messed up then we are. I don't turn on the news to hear about Britney and her shaved head. People of the world, get over it. No matter how famous someone else is they still have problems. It's not a new concept. Money doesn't buy happiness.

Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest...

I've started working on a video/photography project of beauty and chaos in the world. Just stills and video of everyday life. I've started taking notice of beauty that's around us everyday. I'm astonished that more people, with a belief in God as the creator, don't take time to really live in the beauty of his creation. They don't take time to thank him for what he's given them. We take our surroundings for granted and that's because as long as we've lived they always been there.

As I was flipping through a book of some poems by Robert Frost I came across this poem called God's Garden.

"God's Garden"
By Robert Frost

God made a beauteous garden
With lovely flowers strown,
But one straight, narrow pathway
That was not overgrown.
And to this beauteous garden
He brought mankind to live,
And said: "To you, my children,
These lovely flowers I give.
Prune ye my vines and fig trees,
With care my flowerets tend,
But keep the pathway open
Your home is at the end."
Then came another master,
Who did not love mankind,
And planted on the pathway
Gold flowers for them to find.
And mankind saw the bright flowers,
That, glitt'ring in the sun,
Quite hid the thorns of av'rice
That poison blood and bone;
And far off many wandered,
And when life's night came on,
They still were seeking gold flowers,
Lost, helpless and alone.

O, cease to heed the glamour
That blinds your foolish eyes,
Look upward to the glitter
Of stars in God's clear skies.
Their ways are pure and harmless
And will not lead astray,
Bid aid your erring footsteps
To keep the narrow way.
And when the sun shines brightly
Tend flowers that God has given
And keep the pathway open
That leads you on to heaven.


So I didn't have as much to say as I thought. If it's warm wherever you are, take some time to enjoy nature. One day it might no be there.

Grace Thinks I'm a Failure

I've reconnected with Brandtson. I put on The Emo Diaries Vol 2 and listened to Holly Park and that was enough for me to brush the dust of the cd's and give them a listen. I haven't heard the last 3 records they've put out but I really really like the first 3 (and Holly Park is a fantasic song). It seems that I tried so hard to esacpe being called emo that I quit listening to a lot of good records. But of course what was emo when I was in high school and what's emo now aren't really the same.

I've gotten a couple of e-mails (including some hate mail) that let me know I'm going in the right direction with my life and this blog, which is good. I'm trying not to be a BFOD. I'm trying not to stand up on my soapbox and preach my opinion. My goal is to share basically what God is showing me everyday. I try to be honest and not hold anything back and yes it's offensive to some but that's alright. My job is not to please people. Entertain... maybe but not please.

All this to say thanks to those who read and thanks to those who leave comments (good or bad).

2 John 1: 6
"Love means doing what God has commanded us, and he has commanded us to love another, just as you heard from the beginning."

A Kind Word

So I'm sitting here watching In America. A cool independent film about an Irish immigrant family in America (duh!).

I want to share a little story. I was thinking yesterday about when Jesus was talking about the greatest commandment. The second part of that being love your neighbor as yourself. And it brings me to my story.

I have a friend who's been on my heart for close to 3 years now. We don't talk often and we see each other less but for whatever reason every night when I pray her face pops in my head and I'm compelled to pray for her. I've read verses and felt like they were the words she needed to hear at that moment and I've felt the need just to be kind to her and tell her what she means to me. And I've always thought it strange.

But then I realized it's not so strange afterall. I recently thought about what it is that made me apperciate and keep this person in prayer. And I figured it out. Back years ago before my senior year in high school I took a trip to New York and this friend was on the trip. This friend wrote me a note telling me I was special. And it hit me today. That might be the only time in recent memory that someone has told me I was special. I know it's something preached in church and Sunday School when I was little but it's the first and possibly the only time since I entered high school that I remember anyone telling me I was special.

And so I think about times when friends call me up with problems or anything. Those moments when we're supposed to love our neighbor as ourselves. How many times do I just say well I'll pray for you or do I try and come up with a verse that will help them out. And as I thought about this I began to realize that it's not how I would want to be loved. Prayer and scripture are nice don't get me wrong but it's not the love I would want in those moments. Those are the moments when people need an encouraging word, a hug, just to be held.

And so as I thought about this friend who told me I was special and all the times I've prayed for her and given her a word of encouragement, I understand what Jesus meant when we said love your neighbor as yourself. I understand that I apperciate so much what she did for me, still to this day 6 years later, that I'm pouring out the same love.

So next time you have a friend in need of love give me them a hug. Tell them they're special and you love them. Make a difference by pouring love into people.

Matthew 22: 37-40

At Odds

So rarely do I feel so inspired as I do this morning. So inspired that it came while I was eating my cereal. So inspired that I'm actually going to preach. I don't do this often but I have something to say. And it's only a statement of fact and a question of sorts with no answer. Because this thing thats eating at me this morning is something I struggle with. It's a problem we all have. And here it is.

We are at odds with God!

Believe it or not but it's a fact. By our own human nature and ability to make our own choices are at odds with God. And it sucks. It's ashame because we God over there saying I love you, I love you, I love, and here we are in our little corner of the universe called earth saying I know you love me God and I love you too. But we go out and sin. We have this ability to hurt God and it's started with Adam and Eve. Ever since we as human beings have had the ability to hurt God.

God says, I love you but it hurts whenever you do that. We tell God we know and we won't do it again and we repent but come tomorrow we'll be doing to same thing over again or something different and it breaks God's heart.

It's the reason why wehave baptist and methodist and pentacostals, because at some point we said ya know what, that part of "your" theology doesn't work for me. Christians have the basics right. That God sent his only son to die for us because he loved us and if we would believe that he died and rose again three days later and will confess our sins we have salvation. But once you start breaking down theology we start to disagree. We get defensive. Because there are things God wants of us that by our own human nature with are at odds with.

The entire basis of the christian faith is hard to deal with from a human stand point. We have to believe in a God we've never seen and then believe that his son, who was both God and man, came to earth thousthands of years ago and died on a cross and rose from the dead 3 days later. And if we believe this and telling him we're sinners we are saved and can go to heaven.

It's a hard story to grasp. The logistics of it don't add up. It's hard to believe, I'lll admit it.

But it's more than that. And I feel the more then that has been left out. We're so focused on the salvation and egtting into heaven part we forget about the love part. That the reason he did it was because God is in Love with us. He knew that as humans we could never live up to standards and could never get to heaven to spend enternity with him by ourselves. David, who was a man after God's own heart, went out and commited adultery.

The same problems keep popping out throughout the bible. Human beings and God have different agendas. God wants us to love each other and live as one in a community with others ad help those around us. We wants a new car and a promotion at work and a big house and to be a star in hollywood. Jesus said the last shall be first and the first last, yet we spend much our or time on earth as adults trying to get to the top. That's the opposite of what God wants.

But that's why Jesus came. Because God Loves us. He made us and couldn't stand the thought of not spending anternity without us. We loves us.

God, we thank you this mronign for the love you have for us. That no matter in what way we screw up you're still stand there with open arms. I'm sorry that I can't be the person you want me to be. I'm sorry that we're at odds. But I thank you that you knew this would happen and sent your son. You are amazing.

2006 is Over

So kiss 2006 goodbye. But before we let go completely I'm going to give you a run down on the music, movies, news stories and personal things that 2006 will be remembered for (at least this week anyway).

Top 10 Records of the 2006

11. The Blood Brothers - Young Machetes: I'm doing 11 records this year because I love the Blood Brothers new album. It' so much fun. Great, loud, fun post-punk. An awesome record.

10. Beirut - Gulag Orkestar: My introduction to this record was a co-worker telling me he loved it. So I gave it a listen. My first response was it wasn't really anything special. But I kept listening and kept listening and have come to love this record. Who doesn't love a little world circus music? A record that is catchy enough to keep you coming back.

09. Sébastien Schuller - Happiness: Another co-worker recommendation. A good mix of electronic instruments and catchy songwriting.

08. Starflyer 59 - My Island: Every year there will be a Starflyer 59 or Joy Electric record in my top 10. This year is no different. My Island is the most fun record Starflyer has released since The Fashion Focus. A very drum and bass heavy record (which they'vereallyy never had). The title track reminds me a lot of Daniel Amos. More great music from my favorite band.

07. The Appleseed Cast - Peregrine: I like the Appleseed Cast. I really liked Mare Vitalis and Low Level Owl when they came out. What I call "intelligent emo". I was slightly disappointed when Two Conversations came out and was more worried when they signed with the Militia Group. But my fears were lost as soon as I heard the opening track to Peregrine, "Ceremony". At that moment I knew I had nothing to fear. This record isn't as beautiful or technical as Mare Vitalis or Low Level Owl but it's a brutal rock album. Good live show a couple weeks ago @ the 930 Club.

06. Johnny Cash - A Hundred Highways: Anyone who knows me knows I love Johnny Cash and I was terribly sad when he passed away. So having a new Cash record was great news to me. I was excited. This is the record he recorded right before his death and you can tell. Cash himself sounds like the voice of death at times. "If You Could Read My Mind" is the most fragile Cash has ever sounded. A beautiful song. An amazing collection of songs for his last record. Thanks for the songs Johnny.

05. Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere: I know what you're thinking. A mainstream record in my top ten. YES! I have a secret love for really good hip-hop. Gnarls Barkley is really good hip-hop. The first time I heard Crazy I was sold. This record starts and finishes strong. Plus their cover of "Gone Daddy Gone" is incredible. If you haven't heard this record you're stupid.

04. Kaki King - ...Until We Felt Red: There are moments when a song enters your life and won't leave and you're happy about that. Jessica by Kaki King was that song. Her latest record ...Until We Felt Red was released during a transition period in my life. Jessica was the right song at the right moment. It's a song I will still listen to everytime it comes on. It's since been replaced by "Gay Sons by Lesbian Mothers" as my favorite track on the record (which she performs live perfectly). An amazing guitarist and, as it turns our, songwritter.

03. Unwed Sailor - Circles/The White Ox: Both of these records came out under the radar which really surprised me because The Marionettee and the Music Box was so well received. 2 great eps by one of the best instrumental bands out there.

02. mewithoutYou - Brother Sister: mewithoutYou is awesome. They're great live and they have great records and they're awesome guys. Brother Sister is their best record yet. If you like insightful and meaningful lyrics to great rock music (and let me mention a harp) then you need to hear this record. It didn't leave my cd player or itunes playlist for 2 months. It's always a pleasure to hear something fresh in music and that's what mewithoutYou is.

01. Hammock - Raising Your Voice... Trying to Stop an Echo: Hammock = Amazing. When I first heard Winter Lights on a Christmas podcast last year I went online and bought Kenotic and Stranded Under Endless Skies and played them nonstop. Jump ahead to Novemember. Hammock signs to Darla and releases Raising Your Voice... Trying to Stop an Echo. I ordered it and then fell in love. Hammock makes great atmospheric music. Layers of guitars, sparse vocals, a hint of percussion, plus Matt Slocum on Cello. I am still trying to wrap my head around all the layers and sounds of this record. Beautiful.

Movie of the Year:

There were a lot of good movies this year. I saw a lot more movies in theaters this year then any previous. But out of all the movies that came out this year my favorite was "The Departed". You can't ask for much more in a movie. A, generally, quick movie plot, lots of action, a great cast, and a stellar ending. Scorsese should get an Oscar for sure.

Stuff:

Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter, died this year. I joked a lot about this because he did spend his adult life jumping onto crocodiles and picking up deadly snakes and then to have a stingray kill you was amusing to me but he will be the person I miss the most. I always enjoyed The Crocodile Hunter as a tv show and as bad as his movie was I was still entertained because hey, it's the freaking Crocodile Hunter!

Al Gore had a big comeback in 2006 with An Inconvenient Truth. Glad to see that Al can bounce back after "losing" the election like he did.

Saddam Hussein was put to death a day ago. Doesn't really help anything in Iraq.

Personal:

For me personally 2006 was a year where I learned a lot about myself and let go of most of what I was. I'm hoping in 2007 to work on things I'm not really happy with (being really shy and awkward around people I don't know) and working towards a deeper understand in who Christ is and what he wants from me. I spent most of this year just figuring out that I still love him and coming to an understanding of what I actually believe. This coming year I want to wrap myself in his love and his word. My belief is strong but that's where I feel it ends.

"We have all our beliefs, but we don't want our beliefs. God of peace, we want you."

God Bless.

A Word

So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet. The those who follow you, though they are weak and lame, will not stumble and fall but will become strong.

Hebrews 12:12 & 13

A season to be grateful

It's been a while since I'm posted. I took some time off to get things in my personal life together. Hopefully in 2007 I'll be back and better then ever.

Christmas is in 2 days. For the first time ever Christmas was depressing me. Between the heat and other things I was just in a funk. Again I must thank Bob Supan for his Christmas records for saving me.

Most of what was getting me down was how much America has messed up Christmas. I turn on the news and there are stories of people bitching about Christmas Trees in airports, not being able to say Merry Christmas, people spending ridiculous amounts of money on a PS3 or Tickle Me Elmo. It's really started to get me down. Christmas is a time to spend with your family and just enjoy yourself. As a Christian it's a time to remember and celebrate the birth of Christ (for those who are wondering or are just stupid, Jesus was NOT born on Christmas. It's just a celebration.)

I actually had someone lecture me about saying Happy Holidays! Get over it. We have 2 problems in America (at least on the whole Christmas debate that I can see).

First, is we've gotten to politically correct. We're so worried about offending people that we're slowly trying to get rid of Christmas. It got so out of hand that a school in Texas last year banned wearing green and red because those colors are "christmas colors" and might offend someone. Doesd anyone else have a problem with thise? Who the hell things wearing a piece of Christmas clothing is offense? And if you are that person... GET OVER IT! YOU'RE BEING RETARDED! I'm not worried about offending anyone. I don't care. I celebrate Christmas. I'll say Happy Christmas if I want. But if I know you celebrate Hannukah I'll say Happy Hannukah. It's nbot a big deal. People of America, Get over yourselfs.

The second thing is how much attention is put on the whole present thing on Christmas. There's so much money spent on Christmas buying gifts for kids, parents, girlfriends/boyfriends, friends, sibilings. People get so wrapped up in what to get and how much is spent and I don't ever hear a lot of people truly grateful if they don't get exactly what they want. We get and get and get on Christmas and I wonder if people ever thing about really giving. Christmas is a time when you can truly make a difference in someones life. Has anyone ever just bought a gift for someone they know but might not normally get something for. How about inviting someone over for Christmas dinner who you know is going to be alone. Helping out at a soup kitchen? There is so much we can do not only around the holidays but that we should take advantage of.

Jesus spent his time on earth helping those who needed help. He was friends with those who didn't have friends. As someone who tries to follow Jesus' example I really want to take time out of my schedule to help those who it. To show love to everyone. This Christmas I don't want to complain about what I didn't get but be grateful for what I did get and what I already have. I reccomend taking some time this Holiday season and just be thankful for your life.

So I'm going to bring some culture to your sad lives (that means you Jay).

Music Review: Kaki King " Until We Felt Red"

So if you don't know who Kaki King is you're missing out. So America, Pay Attention! This is her 3rd album and it's brilliant. Her first two albums were mainly these beautiful acoustic instrumentals. Great guitar work. This album expands a little more on atmospherics and layers. There is still the great guitar work and beautiful sounds but tracks like Jessica, Soft Shoulder, Gay Sons of Lesbian Mothers have beautiful layers of guitars and keys, sparse drums, and beautiful vocals. This record has moments that remind me of Slowdive and My Bloody Valentine. Very lush. Jessica is my favorite track on the album. It hits the nail on the sound and style I've been trying to create for years now. This album will be in my top 10 this year.

Movie Review: Half Nelson

I'm very bad at reviewing movies. This movie stars Ryan Gosling (the Notebook). It's the story of a crack addict teacher and his relationship with a student of his. Amazing movie. You should see it.

A new coffee house opened up last night. It’s close to my place so I will be here a lot. Good coffee.

My thing for the past year as been people. I’ve really been people based and focused on how I treat other people. I read through the new testament in the bible and see how Jesus went around treating others and how people based his ministry was. It’s the one thing we as Christians try and strive for (being like Jesus) but the one thing I feel we come most short of.

There was a commercial on tv a couple of months ago where all these different people are sitting in church ( a gay couple, a single mother with a baby, a homeless guy) and slowly, each one these people are ejected out of the church. I don’t remember what denomination of church is was but there slogan at the end of the commercial was We Don’t Exclude Others (or something to that effect).

This commercial made me say WTF? It made no sense. Why would you have a commercial where people are getting kicked out of church and your slogan be all are welcome. It was one of the worst concepts for a commercial I’ve ever seen.

There are times I question the churches desire to really love people. I go to church and it seems the point is to bring people in and get them saved. I don’t feel there’s anything wrong with getting people saved but if the point of every sermon is to get people saved then the people in church will never ever grow.

The most effective I’ve ever been in telling people about Christ has been when I’ve built relationships with them. I’ve shared Jesus with people while drinking beer. How many people get to do that? Not many I’m sure. People can smell a fake.

I’m not trying to hate on the church. People take things the wrong. I like to present things in a different light. I want to be like Jesus. Jesus partied with people. He ate with people. He healed people and he truly cared for others. Jesus had relationships with people. His friends weren’t the ones who went to church. His friends were the ones who needed him.

I’ve completely lost my train of thought. This happens from time to time.

Let’s try to wrap this up.

I’m sitting here in this coffee shop just before noon thinking about my relationships. I want to live like Jesus did, with people in mind. I want to truly care and love for people like he did. I want to have relationships with others because I care about them, not just to get them saved. The biggest impact I can have in this world is if first I love, and then bring people to Christ.

John 3:16

I went to church this evening. To my surprise Dr. Frank Pedera was speaking. I always enjoy it when he preaches. He was talking about being content with what we have. His example was the children of Isreal in the dessert after they had been freed from Egypt. God provided water, food, guidance, everything they needed and all they did was complain. It got me thinking.

I've been looking for a new job lately. The main reason has been to make more money. I loe my job. I also really hate my job. The work is good, and the people aree great. Awesome creative enviorment. I couldn't really ask for better. The problem is I work really hard, putting out R-rated trash for pennies. I want to move away from Maryland (although this week I've second thoughts but that's I different topic). I'd really like to move out of my house. I'd really like to find a job in music. All these reasons are for me.

So I came to this conclusion. I'm a selfish bastard. I have a good job where I can be creative and do something I like doing. The fact that I am able to have a job in the recording industry is great. I have a place to stay with cheap rent. I'm pretty healthy. I have good friends. I have my family. I came to see that I have a pretty good life. That God has blessed me with so much and my selfishness over the last couple of months has really blocked all the good out.

I thank God that he loves me and sent his son to die for me. I'm thankful for my family. I'm really thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for my small church family and the encouragement they've given me. I am thankful for my job. I need to start bitching less and be more thankful for all the awesome things God has blessed me with.

I looked through a window and I saw into heaven
(Sweet) mother and child in a stain-glass reflection
Out over the gate we saw angels in the garden
We're gazing at a distance at our own resurrection

I'll block the door
Or I'll step outside
We'll change the world
If you want to


I was listening to Daniel Amos' Greatest Hits on my way home from the movies and their song "If You Want To" came on. Great song by a great band but not really the point.

Song verse above says we'll change the world if you want to. I feel this is something that gets talked about a lot in church and youth groups but is rarely executed in the right way. We feel like the only way to change the world is to get people saved. The goal might be to get people saved but a bunch of saved christians in church won't do anything. We'll all be in church, not out changing the world.

There's a movie out called Saved. I've gotten some crap about owning and liking this movie because people feel it makes fun of christians. I had a friend in high school. Mandy Moore's character in the movie and my friend are very similar in their personality. I've read countless articles with the people behind that movie that said they spent several months at youth groups and youth church rallys. I can tell. I think they nailed the extreme super hyped ready to roll christian youth culture.

The movie follows a character who sleeps with her boyfriend, who has just revealed he's gay, to get him back. She gets pregnant and finds real friends in the outcast of the christian school she attends. It's a great film about not judging others.

I feel we grow up in church and are expected to accept everything we're feed. We're never told to question people, never told to think for ourselves. I know one of the biggest things for me in youth group was going to bible study and being allowed to ask any question I wanted and argue any point I wanted. It helped shape my character and alot of what I believe now.

I don't believe the church can be effective and change the world by bring people to church to get saved or by going out and preaching the word on all the street corners. I believe there is some effectiveness to this but I feel there is a need for something deeper and more personal. people need to know that Jesus died because God loves them. The first thing I don't want to tell someone is that they're a dirty sinner and going to hell. The thing that has kept me going in my faith and walk is a knowledge that I'm loved by God no matter what and because his son died for me and I believe in him, God sees me as righteous.

I think as christians we need to start working on building relationships. Not so we can bring people to church and get them saved but because we care about them and want to invest in other people. If you show the love of God and people see that in you and know you've taken the time to care about them and invest in their life then you will get people saved and you will change the world.

It's time we take on a Jesus attitude and start caring about people.

Oh, if today God should call you away
What would you give in exchange for your soul


I was listening to LN's "Dirt Floor Hotel Part 1" in the car today. A beautiful piece of music. This song came on and I really started to dwell on this thought.

Lately I've been really concerned with doing God's will. Making sure I'm where he wants me and that I'm doing what I've been called to do. My biggest fear is getting to heaven and finding out I've totally messed up God's plan for me. When I think about the possibility of moving and taking another job, it really worries me that it will be the wrong one. That I'll miss the voice of God on this one. I know I've been given a rough vision from God and I can see where part of it will be fulfilled without me there but there's always that part of me that wants to be there for MY vision. But that's not always God's plan.

Paul is always talking in his letters about going to visit the churches he helped start. Most of the time he never gets there. He wanted to get to Rome but had to be shipwrecked first. What a discouragement. But Paul never got discouraged.

Jason Martin wrote a brilliant song called "Give Up the War."

"I read what they write, God's men of before. It's simply that I am still afriad to give up the war. I've played all the chords, and I guess I got bored. I wanna do it right, be someone like Paul.It's simply that he was not afraid, he never gave up the war. And to live when you're down, and live when you're always leaving. I wanna be things. Always living, pressing on. "

Peter is my favorite of the disciples. He was never afraid to stand up and do bold things. But he never got it. 3 times he said he didn't know who Jesus was. And this guy was the founder of the Christian church.

Our life on earth is so short and I'm glad that I'm consummed with trying to be in God's will. If I wasn't then what would be the point. When I get to heaven one day I want to be told that God is proud of me and the things I did for him. No matter how big or small.

"So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and steady, always enthusiastic about the Lord's work, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."
1 Corinthians 15:58

I've been too drained to post anything worth anyone's time. I don't want this blog to be me typing meaningless crap. That's the last thing we need.

I've found myself being tired. Tired in my body, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel drained completely and I'm finding it really hard to draw my strength from God. I know it's there just waiting for me. Paul summed it up nicely in Romans 7: 15-25.

"I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do evil things. I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good I don't. And when I'm trying not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I'm doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it. It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."

I feel like I pray these verses every night. It's insane how the day to day things can push God out. I've tried to set up guide lines and time frames and nothing has worked out. I get so wrapped up I put God on the back shelf. That's no way to treat anyone who loves you. And I'm so damn tired of doing this. I want to have an amazing relationship with God, where I'm in his will and doing great things for him but I screw up everyday.

Now that I'm really looking at moving and finding a new job, I really want to have my heart open to hear from God, where he wants me to go. My spiritual life has been nothing but a freaking rollercoaster. A month or so ago I had an awesome vision and direction from God and now I feel tired and lost. I know the answer lies in trusting God, leaning on his understanding and wisdom and gudiance. Prayer is always welcome.

"But (as you will see): joy comes of him"
"The Birth of Christ"
by Rainer Maria Rilke