The Mess I Am

My life is like a going out of business sale
Take all the shit from the back room and throw it indiscriminately on the shelves
I have mismanaged all that God has given me
Used my life for corrupt living and murder
I've taken the lives of too many innocence and defamed the name that died for my life
Father who am I that you are mindful of me?
My heart is black and no matter my intention I still let you down
My love is feeble and will never be enough
Try and try again, I will still fail you
God, how can you use an evil man like me?
I need you to go ahead of me because without you I'd surely fall

When Trying Isn't Good Enough

Your movement is stagnant and ill conceived
You run in circles screaming for change
Your life is a desire for men to change
But you're still caught up in the same rat race
A word is just noise when no ears are listening
You scream at blank faces, men who see hypocrisy in you
Oh what a lack of action you have created
Words hold no meaning when the the body isn't in motion
Don't bore the masses with pretty speech
We don't give a damn about opinions
We want to see actions that lead to change

Girl In the White Dress

J.D. Salinger once said “If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? Nobody.” This poem is inspired by this statement.


It's well past 7:15 and not a mention of where she is
Woman, O Woman have you no respect for the time of others
My beer has gone flat and the waiter is getting impatient
Our reservations are holding on for dear life
This my dear, is not the shining first impression I was hoping for
Oh to be on time is a virtue few men are lucky to find in a woman

There's a stirring in the front of the room, a hushed whisper of excitement
The sound of chairs scraping the floor as the room turns toward the quite commotion
And there you are!

I can't even stand to greet you as you come towards my table
Just sit in awe of your beauty as you approach
Trying to wipe the dumb look off my face I stand but the words are just not there
She has caught me off guard and my lack of recovery is more then obvious
Yet she smiles and sits, almost amused at my stunned response to her
Instantly my anger fades and her inattentiveness to the time no longer cares
She has walked off a movie screen like Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca
And I'm the lucky bastard that gets to be her Humphrey Bogart

Marching to Her Own Drum

I want to see you dance beneath a waterfall
Watch as the music in your mind invades your steps
Across the room you spin, lost in your own thoughts
Unaware that the world is watching every step you take

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus" were the words that hung on your lips
A symphony of ideas exploding through the cosmos of your existence
All the while you search and struggle for an expression that means something more
A love that epitomizes that which you know is possible
Oh to be young in hopes of finding true love
Before the heartache and cynicism cloud your thoughts
This world is cruel to the dreamers and poets
But stay strong my dear for the love you desire

Destruction in Love

Let's run as fast as we can and leave this city behind
We'll burn these bridges as we go dancing through the night
I want to riot with you, cause destruction with you
I want change the world and make it a better place, but only if you're coming with me
Love has fallen from the sky, with a smile that would kill and a heart set to destroy
This is something like I've never experienced before
So unassuming when we first met, now you burn with a passion, igniting all you come in contact with

As The Flames Rise Higher, We Seek Forgiveness

It's like we're all waiting on the Pope to save us
Crawling out of broken homes, looking for a sign that things are getting better
The world around us is going up in flames
Hope is word used by political figureheads that holds no meaning
We're looking for false saviors and placing the blame on those that disagree
Compromise is an idea that will weaken the moral fiber of our country
So fight and point fingers and accomplish nothing
While those who put their trust in us to save the world starve to death
Is there a light at the end of this tunnel because we're all stumbling around like the blind
Leaderless we wander, waiting for one to come along and set us straight
We have placed our faith in humans that have failed us
God forgive us for not looking to you in our greatest time of need

Take Back Control

Words, Ugly words
You spit venom, inflicting lasting pain on the ears that hear
You think not once about what you say
But my soul lies black and broken from the tingling still on your lips
You are a poison flowing through my veins
Slowly choking out all that I ever thought was good
How dare you ruin my life?
What gives you the right to dictate who I am?
I am more then your hate filled tirades
And I refuse to let you tear me down again

Fallen Star Collection

You were like a falling star, gaining speed as you tumbled towards the ground
All the while thinking that there had got to me more to life then this
Was there anyone different enough to come along side and lift you up
Or was the world full of drifters, each passing day by day, never staying long enough to impact you in meaningful ways
And moments before impact, as you cringe in anticipation of the fall, you are captured into the arms of one who sets you gracefully upright.
Impact is missed for the first time in your life and you are left speechless
Arm in arm you two walk forward into a new life, a freedom you've never felt
With a life long love built on more then you thought was possible.

Is Grace Enough?

In a world gone mad we have placed our hope in false idols
We have begun the process of self destruction and hero worship
God is a concept that is far beyond the reaches of our simple minds
We believe in some almighty power but choose to live as if he weren't real
The structures of society have dictated we move along these streets like cattle
Marching to an end we try hard not to think about
We grieve the loss of those around us and place blame on a God we don't actually believe exists
All this pain and we struggle for answers that will never satisfy our unease
At the end of our rope with gun in hand we cry out to God one last time before we pull the trigger
And in that quiet moment before death we hear a voice saying all will be ok
We pause, our weight slowly lifting from the trigger, shock coming over mind
Tears slowly streak our face as we put the gun on the table and start to pray

A Modern Day Psalm

I'm going to share some secrets with you. I'm not a real thoughtful writer. Most poems come from a line stuck in my head and I'll write the rest, just flowing out of that one line. Sometimes I get a line stuck in my head while driving. I then pull out my phone and just start speaking the poem into my phone so I can capture whatever's going on in my head. This is a poem I wrote while driving home from Baltimore the other day. Below the poem is audio file of me writing the poem. You get the change to listen to me "write". Lucky you.

I am ten feet tall and bullet
I am smitten image of my father
I eat bullets and knives for breakfast
Davey Crockett, David, and me all have bear kills
But I am merely human
And I am weak and fragile
Broken in this childlike state
Searching, always searching for the one to come and rescue me
My infinite outward hardness a mere shell, a mere picture, a mere painting, a mere canvas of what I hope to be
Is there anyone who can rescue me?
Is there anyone who can save my soul?
God sometimes I feel like you're far away and I don't know where to go next
I know you're good but my humanity overtakes me
And I become... afraid
Break this wicked curse that has been put on me
Free me from the chains of evil that surround me
God help me find strength in you
And not myself

A Modern Day Psalm by MyBloodyPatton

When Life Gives You Lemons, Know That I'm There

Oh young girl, so beautiful, so innocent
Untainted by the world around you
You run through fields of flowers, care free
Come storming through the streets singing songs of victory
You are a shining light in the darkness that surrounds you
Hope is seen in you and your smile warms the hearts of the lost
How I long to spend my days with you
You are a blessing I never imagined coming to life
My darling dear, don't give up on that which you have started
This world that holds you down, can not contain the beauty you radiate
Every single moment is a precious gift from the Father
So hold on to hope and let life not overwhelm you
Your future is brighter then the stars in the sky
So keep a chin up and don't let the bastards win
This victory is yours
And I'm happy to be along for the ride

All or Nothing

Screaming, Always Screaming
Never saying anything
My lungs burn with hot vengeance
My words ring like hollow trees
These bones all broken
This heart smashed in fear
I have a tendency to overreact
And in this moment I'm throwing a fit
Tried of everything and living for nothing
I have given up all hope in this pathetic excuse for humanity
We are all living just to die
And dying just to live
Never making real progress
But constantly complaining

I am a product of miscommunication and poor handling
I am the judge of dozens and the judged by millions
My mind wanders back and worth between good and evil
Never wanting to choose a side by always leaning towards the evil in me
I am so disgusted with who I am on any given day
That the kind words shared get shredded in my brain
This is the only peace I can seem to find
With a loaded gun and a full glass of wine
My heart races to a beat far to fast to maintain
And my brain tries to constantly maintain a positive outlook
But life just seems pointless without you
And I know I'll never live up to the standard you require
So is there a point in fighting the good fight
When I know I will always come up short of my best
Is your grace really enough to cover my ultimate downfall
And is my best really going to be ok for you?

The Hopelessness of Living Without You

We are drowning in an ocean, unable to break the water's surface
Swimming for freedom, never able to take that next breath
We have trapped ourselves in glass coffins, to afraid of shards to break free
So we sit and stare as the world goes dark

Oh God break us free from the fear that entangles our minds
Help us in our fruitless endeavors to find life on our own
Because have failed so miserably at trying to live without you
And our lives will turn ruin on unless you intervene and help us

Words That Hurt

If words hold the keys to life and death then I am a murder at heart
I have slayed ten thousand men with the flick of my tongue
My desire is to show love but my black heart only knows cursing
I have been the ruin of innocent lives and the downfall of many
My aim is high but my course is shallow and I run aground far too often
How can I right this ship and steer myself into smoother waters?
What must I do to find a way to keep my words from causing harm?
Am I doomed to spit violent words at non-violent men?
Or is there a way to heal that which I have destroyed?
Can grace make a way to forgive the things I've said?

Heart Condition

Still my beating heart
From this frantic rapid pulsing to a calm slow rhythm
Because it feels like at any moment my heart will explode from my chest
And take flight from this small body

Steal my bleeding heart
From the black market where I've put it up for sale to the highest bidder
Take back that which is rightfully yours
That which I have corrupted

Fix my broken heart
Put together the pieces that I've let others tear like paper
Help fix that which I've been so reckless with
That which I don't know how to care for

Protect my restored heart
From the evil that my mind wants to commit
I can't do good on my own
And I need you watching out for this fragile heart

The Struggle

There is a part of me that wants to take this car into oncoming traffic
End this miserable existence, this constant failing you
To go from this earthy hell, to dwell in your eternal glory
Can one still get into heaven if they take their own life?

My faith that you hold the world in your hands is unstable
And my doubt will surely get the better of me from time to time
But your faithfulness is not in question here
Your goodness fills everything I do, yet my blind eyes don't always connect the dots
This world moves at a pace too fast for me to comprehend my surroundings
When all I want to do it be still and know that you're God, I find myself screaming at the wall

I have failed you today and I'll fail you again
Yet your mercies are new every morning... How do you do it?
If I were God I would have wiped myself from the face of the earth
My lack of obedience surely enough to put an end to this life
But day after day, failure after failure, You still forgive me
You still find a way love this wreck of a man
And I am grateful that you never give up
Because without you, I would have

All Of Your Children Are Addicts

I was listening to Hammock's Maybe They Will Sing For Us Tomorrow this morning and gave the track listing a once over. Decided to write a poem based off the title All Of Your Children Are Addicts. From there the first line of the poem, What hand has brought us out here to die, came to my head and I quickly typed it into my phone so I wouldn't forget it. The poem is about Israel and their continued disobedience to God.

The hand of God was so strongly with Israel for so many years and having experienced all the miracles and deliverance, they still complained and never fully trusted or gave themselves over to God. But whenever I find myself questioning there stupidity, I'm always quietly reminded that I do the same thing.


What hand has brought us here to die?
At least in my captivity there was solace in the known
But now we wander the desert, waiting to die
If not at the hand of our enemies then by hunger or thirst
We have been abandoned to our own wits
We have been left to fend for ourselves

So let us make gods in our image
And bow before that which we have made with our own hands
Our trust not in the deliverer but in what we have made
At least now we have a god to touch and see
We have learned nothing in all these years
So our cycle repeats and death is the known outcome

We, your so called people, will repent in due time
But for now we will continue with our false idols
We have trampled your holy temple
Turning it into a house for fornication and murder
Our hearts hardened to your gentle voice
Your spirit consistently hitting deaf ears
We a chosen people in need of savior
Foolishly trying to create our own

Sunsets End the Day, Not the World

There's a sun setting over an ocean somewhere
Where two walk hand in hand, unaware of all that surrounds them
He bends down to kiss her cheek and she smiles up at him
Both so lost in love with each other
Slowly they stop their walk and sit in the sand
Just listening to the waves crash, never letting go of the other's hand
A moment so perfect it will stay in their minds forever
Like a photograph on the mantle of their hearts

Resurrecting Lost Innocence

Oh God I'm searching for a way out
My life is in shambles and I'm in pain
My heart has been torn out so many times that it only faintly resembles healthy
I am caught in a web of lies and addiction
These stitches keep coming undone and I keep losing blood
My tears have quit coming and I'm afraid I'm forgetting how to feel
I have ruined what you have given me and don’t deserve to live
But God, if you're gracious as they say, then m begging for a second chance
I want to start life over starting right now
I want to redirect the course of my current path
My life has been mishandled and shipwrecked
And I want back the innocence stolen from me so long ago
Take me back to a place where I still believe in mystery
Mend my broken life and restore my broken heart
I know you're the only one who can

Life Is For Those Who Are Living

I want a running start as I jump off cliffs
Just so I can feel the wind on my face
I want an orchestra available at the every whim
With the ability to write the most beautiful sonatas
I want the wisdom of King Solomon
Penning words that will impact a lifetime
I want to give my love so freely
That those around me never feel left out or alone
I want to swim the farthest corners of the ocean
Splash around and play in the world's pool
I want to drive from one end of the country to other
Maybe run out of gas from time to time
I want to dream with endless imagination
Take this life by the balls and show it who's in charge

Desperate Men Pray Despreate Prayers

Uncertainty is the torturous path in which God has set before
Feeling alone and lost I cry out for a map that never comes
And my sad little faith, already wobbling from life, is at its tipping point
But I mange to not let go and grasp hold to the very one who gave me life
Am I but Israel? Meant to spend 40 years, wandering the dessert?
Am I to stand by and watch loves ones and opportunities fade into distant memories?
Oh God, you know the hidden and secret things of the heart
And you reveal your spirit to those in need, to those asking
I beg of you to re-spark a passion and vision in my heart
Please re-spark anything
I’m losing touch with any sense of happiness and destroying those closest to me
My praise has been far and my complaining ever present but I’m at a loss
I’m sorry for my discontentment and my lack of gratitude
For you have gotten me through every situation and been my constant provider
But I am an ungrateful, spoiled son. Unworthy of the name my parents gave me
Not man enough to admit when I’ve been wrong, and not cognitive enough to be grateful
My shame is over taking me, on the edge of losing everything, and this plea seems hollow
But I just don’t know what else to do
Help me Lord…

Anchors

I am sailing on an ocean of fallen angels
My ship is a den of thieves
I've been searching for life's true meaning
But the storms impede my way
The waves of temptation crash overboard
And I let myself be carried away
As I slowly fall to the ocean floor
My legs get entangled with the anchors chain
Death by drowning seems to await me
And I give myself over to the sea

But the anchor means the shipped has stop its journey
And somehow I find myself free from my oceanside grave
As I slowly swim to the surface
I find myself face to face with a new ship
The Captain committed to saving those thrown overboard
A hand grabs me by the arms and lifts me safely onboard
And I'm overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude.
My miscalculations and poor judgment led my crew to their death
And the hurricane that destroyed my ship, nearly ended me
But this second chance at life has renew my strength
And I’m ready to put aside my pride and join this Captain’s crew.


Back story:
I started this poem in September while I was at sea and in Mexico. The whole idea behind being trapped in the Anchor comes from where Jesus talks about tying a millstone around your neck and throwing yourself into the sea. The anchor has been a symbol of sin and those things that keep us from moving forward. The first half of the poem deals with life and sailing the seas of life and just living with and dying because of our sin. We can't move forward because our anchors are dragging on the bottom of the ocean and keeping us from moving forward.

The second half of the poem is inspired by two lines in two different songs from Norma Jean's Redeemer.

"I will not sleep while you are throwing anchors to a drowning generation." - Blueprints for Future Homes

"Captain, the ship is sinking. Have mercy." - The End of All Things Will Be Televised.

It's good to know God never gives up on us no matter how many times we fail and that he's always willing to save us when we're drowning.

The Useless Words of Bryan Patton

I am staring at a blank page with no words to write
And I'm screaming at the far wall, hoping I'm loud enough to penetrate this silence
My inspiration has failed me once again and I'm waiting on the light bulb to turn itself on
God give me some to profound to profess because the listener’s attention is fading and I need to change the world
I am a broken fragile man, just trying to make a name for himself
But all my screaming is in vain because the words make no sense and have no weight
The people will exit soon if I don't come up with something to capture the imagination and draw them closer to God
But I am lost in all the fear that's tangled itself around my tiny existence
As each person files through the door, all that's left of my shattered confidence is gone
And I'm left alone... Just me and God.
There's a screaming match where he won't say a word and I'll never win
As I yell through tears how he's been unfair and he quietly reassures me of his love
But I won't get it...

Misinformed Communication

Every word I say is like a poison arrow
Shot from my mouth and perfectly placed to pierce your heart
Try as I might I can't seem to come up with lovely speech
Instead I just inflict pain into your already broken world
So let me rant and rave at the bottom of the ocean
Each word drowning before it ever hit your ears
I might lose my breath and pass out
But at least I'd save you the pain of having to hear my voice

My Love Has Two Loves

My love has two loves and not one of them is I
A heart divided by future joys and present torment
I am a ship sailing in the distant
A treasure to be found one day in the future
My love is a hurricane tossing waves upon the shore
Her beautiful power missed as her destruction sweeps the land
Oh but to know her love and feel her kiss
To survive another day is to feel a sense of accomplishment
It doesn't matter how damage your ship has taken on
As long as she can still float, you're good to go
Angels will sing for those lost to the sea
The ones tossed overboard by her powerful storm
But to the Captain who still stands at the bow
His reward is much greater then gold
A sense of pride for having weathered the storm
For staying strong and laughing in adversities face
To him who's focus is set on God above
Comes the love he's always waited for.
But my love has two loves and not one of them is I
So I endure this hurricane and tie the anchor around leg
If I'm thrown overboard, at least I'm still attached to the ship

The Temptress

Always teasing and promising, never handing anything over
Oh to sleep in your sweet embrace for just one night
But you plunge me into endless hours of frightful thought
You dream all day of sweeter things
And wait to entangle my mind in songs of no consequence
I'd break ties with you but my tied eyes know no other lover
As I convince myself that this night I'll take what your offering
Temptress, Oh temptress
You have fought the sandman and won
Now if only you'd return to me that which I desire
A single night of silence, held deeply in your embrace

Vocational Shift

I could highjack your Saturday night fever with ease
Live from New York, it's your life on hold
Put the beer down and step slowly away from the girl
Walk out the door and don't you dare think about calling the police
This is a reality check for your real housewives brain
The real world has called and they want MTV to stop ruining their good name
New Jersey is a gutter for the trash of America
Not a safe haven for reality tv superstardom
Your remote control is broken and the tv is off
Time to step out into the sunlight and discover you don't burn in daylight
You didn't even realize life was passing you by
The sun came out yesterday and the pale glow of your playstation isn't doing your skin any favors
Life is for those who are living
But your deadbeat internet generation is stuck on social network overload
The glory of God will not be revealed in 140 characters
And your friends all turned off their computers hours ago
The door is unlocked and there's not a cloud n the sky
Time to wave goodbye to Dances with Miss teen MTV

Steps Lead to Questions

I have never been one to stop questioning
Every new circumstance opens a door to an answer unobtained
Some call my doubts a lack of faith
But this world is an ever changing plane of understanding
I yearn for a deeper perception of your very nature
Yet your word throws my Sunday school sermons out the window
My prayer life is a false cathedral with no attendance
Full of selfishness and self pity and lacking praise
Is my endeavor to strive towards you all in vain
Or is there purpose in my ever questioning mind

The Fourth Of July is Always Too Hot

Bang! Zoom! There goes the fireworks!
She explodes like C4
He timer set to destroy all that lies in her path
And make no mistake that heads will roll when she goes off
All the citizen cry out with their heads down
"Who will save us from her destructive nature?"
When along comes a man, a calming aura surrounds him
And with a whisper the after shock dies away and for a moment peace
Is it lasting...
Only time will tell.

Gravity Is a Harsh Mistress

I took a chance and bet it all on black
I lost everything I had and now I'm drowning
But all hope is not lost

Driftwood comes along and provides a place to rest my head
Giving me a chance to catch my breathe as I float along uncertain seas.
The glimmer of a ship on the horizon brings peace to my soul
But the shadows fade in the distant and the setting sun is a symbol of my spirit.
I offer up a prayer to God, hoping that he'll take compassion on a lost man
A man who gave up the world to explore the edge of the world.

The Unwed Sailor

In January I tried my hand at writing a short story. I wrote The Unwed Sailor, which is based off a poem I wrote years earlier. I've decided to share it. Enjoy.

Warning: Explicit language used


The Unwed Sailor

There are moments in our life when we find what we’ve been looking for. There are moments when we need to leave what we’ve been looking for just to make sure that’s really what we want. And sometimes we get scared and run away. At the time it seemed like I needed to just discover more about myself before settling down. Looking back I can see that I was scared and just ran away.

But I’ve spent many years at sea and I’ve spent far too much time reflecting on the mistakes of my youth. I can’t say I would’ve done anything differently. Some mistakes have to be made for us to realize that it was even a mistake. I knew leaving wasn’t the right choice but I was young and ambitious.

I pray that Jennifer has found happiness and married and had the family that she wanted. And I pray that somehow she can find it in her heart to forgive me. If there’s a God, I hope he was kind to her. Kinder then I was.

Tomorrow I return home. 20 years from the day I set sail, the day that changed her and my life forever. I don’t know why know seems like the right time to go back… Maybe there is no good time to return. Which makes now as good as ever. I’m not sure anyone will recognize me, which is what I’m hoping for. I don’t think I have a life here… But I need to come back.

We’ll reach port at sunset. From there… Who knows what will happen.

Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor





1.
The sun was slowly fading into its evening slumber, the sky over the sea the color of fire. Night was fast approaching as the ship pulled into dock. It was odd time for a ship to come in. This wasn’t a standard fishing ship or a navel vessel. But most of the town had started to turn in for the night and this strange occurrence went largely unnoticed.

As Jesse stepped from his boat, looking for the rope to tie The Unwed Sailor to the pier, a man stepped up to offer a hand.

“Evening. Need a hand”?
“That would great”, said Jesse. “Thanks.”
“This is one odd looking ship, we don’t see to many of these.”
“It’s an old merchant vessel”, said Jesse.
“You looking to sell to something here?”
“No”, said Jesse. “I’m returning home.”
“Home? I don’t remember a merchant leaving here recently. And I sure as hell don’t recognize you.”
“Well it’s been a while since I left”, said Jesse. “Twenty years to exact.”

The man’s eyes opened wide in recognition.

“Jesse Howel? Is that really you?”
“As I live breathe Carter”, said Jesse.
“You remember me!” exclaimed Carter. “After all these year you can stand on your ugly little boat and remember your best friend and not say a word?”
“I figured sooner or later the conversation would get around to who I was. I knew you’d get it.”

Carter just stood there in amazement. It was like he was talking to a ghost.

“You know people thought you died when you never wrote and never came back.”
“I wrote… I just never sent the letters”, Jesse said sheepishly. “How have you been Carter? I can see you’re still working the dock.”
“Not a thing has changed in twenty years. I’m old and I’m married. And I have one lazy ass son who should be down here helping me” said Carter.
“You marry Mary Anne like you were planning?”
“Yeah” Cater beamed. “Just after you sailed out. Hey, why don’t you come home with me for dinner? I know Mary Anne would love to see you again. And even though she can’t cook for shit, it has to be better then whatever you have on that boat. What do you say?”

Jesse looked away for a moment. A nice hot meal with his old friend sounded nice. Plus it would give him a chance to find out about what had happened during his absence. It would give him a chance to find out about Jennifer.

“You say Mary Anne can’t cook?”
“Not one bit”, said Carter.
“I’d love to come have dinner”, said Jesse.

And then Carter threw his arms around Jesse in a hug.

“It’s great to see you old friend”, said Carter.

As he pulled away Jesse thought he saw tears in his friends eyes. They went about finishing the task of securing the boat to the dock and then walked into town and to Carter’s house. It was strange for Jesse to be back in Brandon. Not much had seemed to change in the town since he left and yet it felt much bigger. Much less constraining. Carter and Jesse walked the streets, Jesse taking in all the sights and sounds, the children playing in street. It didn’t seem like it had been that long ago that Jesse was once of those children running through the streets. How much longer until one of these little ones decided to leave?

After a few miles they reached Carter’s house. Carter opened the door.

“Carter is that you?” Mary Anne yelled from somewhere deep in the house.
“Yes dear. You making dinner?”
“I just started”, shouted Mary Anne.
“Well add one more to meal. I brought home a friend.” Carter smiled and winked at Jesse. “She’ll just about lose it when she finds out it’s you.”

Mary Anne walked in from the kitchen. Her brown hair had just started to grey and despite a handful of new lines on her face, Mary Anne looked exactly like she had the day Jesse had left.

“Well Carter, aren’t you going to introduce me to your guest?”
“O course dear”, smiled Carter. “This is Jesse. Jesse Howel.”

Carter stood there smiling at his wife. Mary Anne’s jaw dropped. For a second she it seemed a hint of anger crossed her face. But like a breeze, it passed and she walked over and kissed Jesse on the face.

“Twenty years does a lot to change people, said Mary Anne. If you had come back 10 years earlier I would kick you out of this house faster then you left Brandon. But there seems no sense of that now. Dinner will be ready shortly. Wash up and sit at the table.”

Mary Anne turned, kissed her husband and walked back into the kitchen, shaking her head and mumbling something to her self.

“She didn’t seem really excited to see me Carter.”
“Yeah.” Carter turned and started for the washbasin. “You have to remember how close her and Jennifer were. When you left, you destroyed Jennifer’s world. Mary Anne was there with her through it all. Her opinion of you might not be the highest but time has a way of healing old wounds.”
“Were close? What do you mean were close”, Jesse asked?
“Well that seems like a conversation that is better saved until after we eat. Come on, we’ll talk later. Let’s eat.”

Dinner was a small affair of beef and potatoes, fresh goats milk and some leftover cherry pie for dessert. Carter had given Mary Anne the short side of the stick when it came to her cooking. The food wasn’t burnt and Jesse hadn’t had a free meal that tasted this good since he left Brandon. They ate mostly in silence, only broken by the occasional question from Jesse about life for Carter and Mary Anne over the last twenty years. They lived a nice quiet life. They had gotten married and had Carter Jr shortly after. Carter Jr, as Mary Anne put it, was not at dinner because he was running around trying to find some whore to get pregnant. Carter just shook his head as if to clarify that his wife was over-reacting just slightly.

After dinner Mary Anne busied herself doing the dishes and seemingly anything that didn’t involve being in the same from as Jesse. Jesse didn’t mind. He wasn’t looking to spend a lot of time trying to justify the actions and choices he made twenty years ago to a woman who clearly had her mind made up on him.

Carter and Jesse sat in a small room that Carter called his office. He had a small desk and two nice chairs. One the desk rested a bible and a bottle of whiskey.

“You think the good Lord approves of your drinking, Carter?” Jesse said with a smile.
“Well, a sip to clear the mind never hurt anyone. Care for a drink?”
“I could use something to ease my mind.”

Carter poured two glasses and passed one to Jesse.

“So what brings you back Brandon”, Carter asked? “After all these years where no one had seen or heard from you. Twenty years Jesse! That’s quite a long time to be gone. And now you come back. Why?”

Jesse took a sip of whiskey. He glanced around Carter’s office.

“I’m not sure why I came back”, Jesse said. “I just felt like it was something I needed to do. Like it had been long enough. There was something pulling me here. I was close and had nowhere to be. So I came back home.”

“How long are you going to say”, asked Carter?
“I’m not sure. I really didn’t think this through.”
“No, it doesn’t sound like you did Jesse. But damn it’s good to see you again.”
“It’s good to see you too Carter. And Mary Anne, although I’m not sure she feels the same way. I wish Carter Jr had been around. I would’ve loved to meet him.”
“He’s like I was when I was 20, only without my sense of responsibility.”
“Boys will be boys.”
“Yeah, and mine’s a handful”, Carter took a sip of whiskey.

Jesse sat back and wondered if he should ask about Jennifer. It was all by chance that he had run into Carter and ended up in his home. His plan had been to just sleep in his boat and just hang around town for a few days and just see if he could pick up on how Jennifer was doing. Maybe he’d see her around town.

“So… How’s Jennifer?”
“Uh, yeah”, Carter shifted uncomfortably and took a deeper pull of whiskey. “I knew this was going to come up.”
“Is something wrong with Jennifer?”
“Jesse… Jennifer’s dead.”

Jesse sat in silent shock. Of all the scenarios he had gone over in his mind he’d never even considered the fact that Jennifer would be dead. The only woman he’d ever loved and he’d just found out that she was no longer with the living.

“When? How?”
“Jesse, wouldn’t it be better-“
“Damn it Carter, just tell me”, Jesse snapped. “I know I left but I think I have a right to know.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry Jesse. Jennifer came down with a fever and got sick. The doctors couldn’t put a finger on what it was that was wrong with her. She spent a month in bed, dying from the inside. She passed a year and a half ago.”

Carter stood and put a hand on his friends shoulder. “I’m sorry you had to find out like this. I’m sorry you had to find out at all.”

Carter took his seat once more and poured himself some more whiskey.

“Was she married”, Jesse asked. Did she have any children?”

Carter again looked uncomfortable and poured a little more whiskey into his glass.

“Jennifer had one kid. A girl, Ashley.”
“How old is she.”

Carter sighed. “She’s twenty Jesse.”
“Twenty?”

“That’s right Jesse. A week after you left Jennifer had discovered she was pregnant. She was disgrace. To help her keep some dignity Pat O’Brien agreed to marry her and raise the girl as his own. He died 6 years later. Jennifer never remarried. She was never really happy with Pat but she was grateful to him for what he had done. You had broken her heart and left her with a girl. Ashley was her only connection to you and as much as she loved that girl, that child was a daily reminder of how you abandoned her. And now you understand why Mary Anne hates you. Even though Pat married Jennifer and claimed that the kid was his, everyone knew that it was to save face. Everyone knew that Ashley was your little girl and you had gone off to sea to chase some dream. Jennifer’s passing was both a blessing and her curse for her. It’s amazing she didn’t die from a broken heart sooner but Ashley was enough to keep her alive. I think at the end she just gave up and let death take her, like she thought it had taken you.”

Jesse just sat, stunned. This was a lot of take in. He had a daughter. But, he didn’t really have a daughter. He could never connect with her as her father. He would probably never see her. It didn’t seem like Carter was just going to tell him how to find his daughter. And Jennifer… Had he been the cause of her death? Guilt flooded into Jesse’s heart and he began to cry.

“Why didn’t you ever write her Jesse”, Carter asked? Why didn’t you let her know you were alive and still thinking of her?”

“I wrote her everyday. Everyday I made it a habit of writing her a letter. I have twenty years of letters in my ship. But I couldn’t send the letters to her. I had left the only woman I ever loved. I knew I had made a mistake. Everyday I prayed for her and asked God to be kind to her, to help her find a way to forgive me for being a selfish and scared son of a bitch. I was scared Carter! Scared that if I had stayed and married her that my life would be boring and I would just become my father. I’d be an unhappy, angry, drunken old man. And I got scared and said I needed to travel and sail and see the world and discover myself before I married her. And you know what Carter? I was wrong. There’s nothing to discover in this world. I didn’t travel. I moved up north and became a fisherman. A fucking fisherman! I left here with no money and got a little ways up north looking for a job. I started fishing to make some money so I could move on and travel. And you know what I am twenty years later? A fisherman. Everyday I regretted leaving Jennifer. But do you think I would’ve left if I had known that she was carrying a child?”

For a long moment the two men sat in silence. Mary Anne walked in a short while later and sat on the arm of Jesse’s chair and put her arms around him.

“She always loved you Jesse”, Marry Anne said. “She never hated you for leaving. But you broke her heart and broke her world. Her life was never right after you left and Ashley was a bitter reminder of the life she wanted to have. With you.”
“Is she still in town”, Jesse asked?
“Ashley? Yes, she’s still in town.” Mary Anne was hesitant. “Why do you want to know?”
“I just want to see her. I won’t talk to her, I won’t tell her who I am. But I just want the chance to look at my girl.”
“Oh, just tell the poor man Mary Anne”, Carter urged. “It can’t hurt to let him see her. And after all he’s been through, and he’s here.”
“Please Mary Anne”, Jesse begged?
“Oh, alright. But if I come to regret this you’ll pray I’m dead the next time you show your face in Brandon. Ashley works at a café down by the docks. It’s mostly a place for dockworkers and sailors to come and get coffee. They’re open late and Ashley always works late. She’ll be there.”
“How will I know what she looks like?”
“Oh you’ll know”, Carter interjected. “You couldn’t miss her.””
“Thanks you guys so much. How can I ever repay you?”
“Just don’t cause any trouble for the girl”, Mary Anne pleaded. “That will be payment enough.”

Goodbyes were short as Jesse left the house. He decided to walk around town for a little bit and think about all he’d learned. He had fathered a child. Guilt was starting to overwhelm Jesse. He left a girl who was crazy about him all alone and pregnant. He had run away scared and ruined one girl’s life in the process.

Jesse decided to go back to his boat for a little while. Maybe he wouldn’t go to the café tonight… Maybe he wouldn’t at all.

Jesse went to his room in the rear of the boat and started reading through the letters he had written Jennifer.






Dear Jennifer,

It’s been a year since I last saw you and yet your face has never let the forefront of my mind. It’s tough to keep going forward and not come back to you. I can’t seem to make enough money fishing to support my travels. I could be fishing back in Brandon and at least there I’d have you with me. I’ve thought about coming back but it’s been a year. Would you take me back? Are you even available? For all I know you’re married and living a finer life then I could have ever hoped to give you. Which I guess is one of the reasons I left. Living the life of a fisherman isn’t what I hoped for when I left Brandon. I wanted to travel the world, to see new sights and cultures and meet interesting people. But the drunkards up north are just as interesting as the drunkards in Brandon. They’re not.

I’m sorry I left. I know you can’t possibly still be in love with me and I don’t fault you if you hate me. I’ve been living with the regret of leaving you since the day my ship set sail. I should’ve turned around and not given my foolish idea of traveling a second thought.

I love you. I always will.
Jesse P. Howel.






2.


Around midnight Jesse emerged from his ship, determined to go have a cup a coffee and see his daughter. After that he might as well leave Brandon. There was no point in staying. Jennifer was dead. He had a daughter that couldn’t know who he was. It felt wrong that he would have to leave. The girl had no living family. But no, Jesse had promised Mary Anne that he wouldn’t let the girl know who he was.

Jesse found the café easily.

“I guess there’s no better time then now.” Jesse sighed and then opened the door.

“Go ahead and sit anywhere. I’ll come by and help you in a moment.”

Jesse couldn’t move. It was as if he was looking at a ghost. Tears formed at the corners of Jesse’s eyes and he blinked them away as fast as he could. He took a table at the rear of the room where he could see the entire café. And from his seat he watched his daughter.

Ashley looked exactly like Jennifer had on the day he set sail and he had to remind himself that this was his daughter and not the ghost of his former love come back to haunt him. Ashley had every inch of beauty that her mother had and Jesse’s heart was overcome with guilt. He couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and began to weep.

“Are you alright mister?” It was Ashley. She had come to help him and he had been crying.

“Yes… yes I’m fine. Sorry dear. I’ve been away from home a long time. I have a daughter who would be about your age and I haven’t seen her many years and I guess seeing you made me miss her. Please forgive a poor mans tears.”

“Don’t worry about it. What can I get for you?”
“A cup of coffee would be nice.”
“I’ll bring that right out.”

Ashley walked back into the kitchen to fetch some coffee. Jesse pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one, hoping to relive some of the pain that now burden his mind. He didn’t know it would be this hard. How could he? He’d never met the girl. But she looks exactly like Jennifer. It was as if Jesse’s mind was playing tricks on him.

Ashley came back out with a cup and a pot of coffee. She set the cup down and poured the coffee.

“Anything else I can get you”, Ashley asked? “You want anything to eat. Ethan left for the day but I can throw something on for you.”
“No, the coffee is good. Thanks.”
“I’ve never seen you around here before. This your first time in Brandon?”
“No. But it’s been a very long time since I was in town. Probably before you were born. Just the nearest port.”
“You a fisherman?”
“Yes.”
“You have the look of a man who’s spent a lot of time at sea.”
“Most of the last 20 years has been spent at sea.”
“Well if you need more coffee, you just give a whistle.”
“Thanks dear.”

And Ashley walked away. She spent a couple of moments engaged in small talk with the two other patrons in the café before walking back into the kitchen. And Jesse began to silently cry. What had he done? This is was his daughter who was all grown up with no idea who he was. He’d left the woman he loved, alone and pregnant, to go and chase a foolish dream that never came to be. A dream he never fully gave chase to. He’d spent the last twenty years in regret, hoping that one day he’d come back and maybe he and Jennifer could find a way to make life work. But she was dead.

Jesse lit another cigarette and finished his cup of coffee. He sat in silence, reflecting over his life. What seemed like a failed life. Was this all he was meant to be?

Ashley walked over. “You want some more coffee.”
“Yes please.”

Ashley refilled his cup and moved on. Two cigarettes and another cup of coffee later and Ashley was closing down the café for the night.

“Goodnight”, said Ashley has Jesse walked out the door.
“Goodnight dear.”

Jesse lit another cigarette and walked down a side street. His mind was racing and he didn’t think sleep was going to be in his future this night. Jesse walked down to the church and sat against the doors. He was content to just sit and smoke and think for a while.

“Excuse me mister…”
“Yes”, Jesse answered. “May I help you?”
“I was wondering if you would mind sparing a smoke for an old man?”
“ I don’t mind. It’s quite alright.”
“Thanks.”

The old man walked over and sat next to Jesse. Jesse hand him a cigarette and match.

“Thanks fellow. Kind of an odd place to sit and smoke don’t you think? There are plenty of pubs still open. You waiting for the Lord to come and take you to heaven?”
“That wasn’t really my plan but not that you mention it, it doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea.”
“Not that bad of an idea? What’s wrong man?”
“Are you from around here?”
“No”, the old man smiled. “Just got in to town yesterday. My ship sets sail in the morning.”
“I see. Well I guess there’s no harm in telling you.”
“You might feel better if you talk to someone.”
“Some how I doubt that. But what the hell, it can’t hurt.”
“It sure can’t”
“My names Jesse”, Jesse offered his hand.
“Joshua”, Joshua took it.
“Nice to meet you Joshua.”
“You too Jesse. So what’s got to all ready to die?”

“I’m from Brandon. Born and raised here. Spent the first 25 years of my life living here. My mom died early on in my life leaving my dad to take of me. He did a fine job but without my mom, my dad was a miserable man. He worked as a blacksmith. Hated every minute of it. He was just a mean spirited, drunk old man. I don’t blame him. Life was hard on him and he wasn’t prepared to raise a son alone. He died when I was in my teens. Left me the blacksmith shop to run. Anyway, I met a girl. Jennifer O’Malley. Had the deepest, prettiest green eyes you ever saw. She was and is still to this day the most beautiful girl I’ve ever had the privilege to lay my eyes on. We were young and in love. And we were going to get married. That was, until I got scared. I didn’t want to end up miserable like my dad. I wasn’t going to allow that to happen. So I decided I’d take some time and spend a year or two traveling and then come back. I was young and wanted to see the world. So I left Jennifer here. Broke her poor heart. I made it up north a little ways, ran out of money and started fishing. Never worked out enough money to travel and stayed up north fishing. For the last twenty years I’ve been fishing. I never came back for Jennifer. But you know what’s worse? I just found out tonight that when I left Jennifer here, I had also left her with a child. She found out she was pregnant not a week after I had left. And I just had the pleasure of seeing my daughter for the first time. And she looks just like her mom. And now the guilt and regret that I’ve been pushing aside for the last twenty years has surfaced in full. And that’s why I’m sitting her in front of a church smoking. That’s why I’m willing to let the Lord take my life. Because this isn’t worth it.”

Jesse began to cry loudly and without shame. Joshua just sat, listening intently.

“And now my plan is to just get back in my boat and sail off in the morning. I don’t know what I’m going to do or where I’m going to go. But I don’t think I can stay here or go back to fishing.”

“Did… did you think about telling the girl who you were”, Joshua questioned?
“I promised I wouldn’t. I promised I wouldn’t cause anymore trouble.”
“She might want to know.”
“No! It doesn’t matter. I can’t tell her that her real father is a jerk that ran away from her mom before he knew she was pregnant to become a fisherman.”
“She might not care. The girl might need someone in her life.”
“I can’t do it. No matter how deeply I want to, I can’t.”
“Suit yourself.”

They sat in silence for a moment longer. Just listening to the breeze come off over the ocean. Joshua finished his cigarette and stood.

“I thank you for the smoke Jesse. You’re a good man. No matter what your past failings our, you are a good man. You’ve let this mistake torture you for far to long. God has forgiven you son. He forgives all men who ask for repentance and you look like a man who’s been asking for repentance for twenty years.”

“You got that right.”

“At some point you need to let go. At some point you need to let God heal your broken heart. Let him take your misery. You might not be angry like you’re father but you’re living the same life of misery he did. But you don’t have to. Accept God’s forgiveness and move on. Start living your life. You’re not that old a man Jesse. You have life to give yet. Find it in your heart to forgive yourself.”

Jesse stood and walked to Joshua. They embraced in a hug.

“I’m glad you need a cigarette tonight. And I’m glad you don’t mind listening to the history of sailor.”
“No problem Jesse”, Joshua smiled. “It’s what I do.”

And with that Joshua walked off into the distance. And Jesse walked back to his boat.





Dear God,

It’s been a while since we’ve talked. I’m not sure what to say. I know Jennifer’s up inn heaven with you now. Will you let her now that I’m so sorry for leaving her? It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I always loved her.

God I’ve been walking around with this guilt on my heart for a long time now. And I can’t take it anymore lord. Please take this pain away. I’m sorry for leaving Jennifer to fend for herself. I’m sorry that I had gotten her pregnant and then ran away. I’m sorry that I wasn’t around to be Ashley’s father. God I know I’ve made a mess of people’s lives and I’m asking you to forgive me. Take away this burden that’s been eating away at my soul for so long. Help to move forward with my life. Help me to live.

Amen
Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor





3.

Jesse awoke mid-morning and went to the café for breakfast and coffee.

“Good morning”, Ashley smiled as he walked in.
“Good morning.”

Jesse sat at the same table he had the night before. The café was more full this morning, giving Ashley more work to do then she had the night before. It gave Jesse more time to watch his daughter. He was proud. She was a gorgeous young woman with the warmest smile he’d seen ever. Every good trait that Jennifer has, Jesse could see that they had been passed to Ashley.

“What can I get you this morning”, Ashley asked?
“You guys have pancakes?”
“We sure do.”
“I’ll have an some pancakes and coffee.”
“Coming right up.”

Ashley walked back into the kitchen and came back a moment later with a cup of coffee for Jesse. Jesse drank his coffee in silence, just admiring his little girl. She brought him his pancakes and went about her tasks. Jesse ate his breakfast and drank his coffee, a sense of relief and peace in his heart for this first time in years.

As he got up to leave, Ashley walked over to him.

“You sailing out today?”
“Yeah. Don’t want to overstay my welcome.”
“Well when you see your daughter, give her a kiss.”
Jesse gave Ashley a hug and kissed her on the cheek. “I will.”

Jesse walked down to Carter and Mary Anne’s house to say goodbye before leaving town. He knocked on the door. Mary Anne answered.

“Good morning Jesse.” Carter’s down at the docks.”
“I assumed as much. I’m headed out today. I wanted to say goodbye.”
“Did you see the girl?”
“I did.”
“And?”
“She’s beautiful.”
“And…?”
“And I didn’t tell her who I was. We didn’t talk much but I didn’t tell her who I was.
“Thank you Jesse. You have become a good man. Where are you sailing to?”
“I’m not sure. I think this time I might actually travel the world.”
“That will be nice. Please don’t let it be another twenty years before we see you in Brandon again.”
“It won’t be.”
“Take care Jesse.”
“You too Mary Anne. It was good to see you. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”

Jesse walked down to the dock to prepare his boat for departure and to say goodbye to his only real friend in the world.

“Leaving so soon?” Carter glared at Jesse from across the dock.
“I think it’s time to move on.”
“Yeah well, you weren’t going to leave without saying goodbye again were you?”
“I went to your house.” I knew you were down here. I wasn’t going to leave before talking to you.”
“Yeah I bet. You go visit Ashley?”
“I did. Thanks for letting me know about her.”
“Anything for a friend.”

The two of them prepped the boat, making sure everything was in order for Jesse’s trip.

Jesse turned to Carter. “What ship set sail early this morning?
“Uh… no ship set sail this morning Jesse.”
“Hm… I met an old man last night that said his ship was setting sail this morning. They had pulled in day before yesterday.”
“Jesse your ship is the only ship that’s pulled into Brandon in the last month. Were you drinking much last night?”
“All I had was the glass of whiskey at your house. And I know I talked to an old man last night. A tall guy with long grey hair and beard. You haven’t seen anyone like that in town.”
“You’re the closet looking person that fits that description Jesse. Are you sure it wasn’t as dream?”
“I’m telling you Carter, I sat in front of the doors of the church, smoking cigarettes and talking to an old man. He was there. I’m not crazy.”
“Alright, alright Jesse. I believe you.”
“If you happen to see anyone that fits my description, tell him Jesse said thanks.
“Of course I will Jesse.

The two friends hugged and said goodbye. Jesse climbed aboard his boat and waved one last time. Then he set sail. Letting the wind be his guide, no particular destination in mind.





Dear God,

Thanks for your angels.

Jesse P. Howel, Captain
The Unwed Sailor

A Million Miles, No Adventure

My life is floating away in the thoughts that stream from my head
This daydream life my escape from the harsh reality of boring every day me
Have I become too wrapped up in what my minds eye sees
Ignoring the reality of my daily responsibilities
Celebrity conversations over airwaves as my knowledge is leaked upon the universe
But the truth is my notebook scribbling is known only by God
I pray daily for my world to open up to real life adventures
But the sex appeal of my created world keeps me from living up to my full potential
God break me from my self created universe
For my fear is it will swallow all the joy I'm supposed to be having

Fairy Tale Princess Love

Her smile shines like a chandelier, casting the room in extravagant illumination
She waltzes from her table with a grace that makes even the most classed of women jealous
Her beauty shines brighter then all other in the room but she is too insecure to know how gorgeous she is
Her eyes burn with a fire so deep that only a glance into her soul will melt your heart

My world is at a loss for words when trying to attempt what I call conversation
And she smiles and indulges me for long enough to know that this is more the her being polite
It is a mystery beyond my comprehension, why she stands to hold me in her court
Beauty and the beast. Only instead of of the beast, I'm a bumbling artist of no concern to her or the rest of the world
Yet she has treated my like royalty, like someone who belongs to be a part of her world of fine living
She has found something inside of my broken down exterior to latch unto and to love

My exit goes unnoticed by all but one, the fairly tale princess
I wander away in a world all my own, my mind racing and excited for the chance I had with her
When from behind she grabs me by the shoulders and spins me around
For a moment stretching towards forever our eyes search the others for a sign
And then we kiss a kiss of passion so untamed that I hear fireworks in the background
Then she turns back and disappears into the dark...
And I'm left to wonder if we'll ever meet again, my fairy tale princess love

It rained all month... And the it was Spring

When pen and paper kiss their love creates the most beautiful sonnet, waiting to be read by you or I
Music flows off the page and into the hearts of those who hear
And I stand back and look at the world around me
I take you by the arm and we run through the fields together
I ask for your hand in marriage, to spend my life with you
You said maybe like a song, but maybe is a song with a lot chords and no melody
You walked back into town and lay quietly alone
The world's greatest artist were all tortured soul. Painfully brilliant until they day they died
And I am an unknown poet without a song on my lips
The words have been choked by the hand of evil, hoping that beauty will lose ground to the ache within my soul
Stand firm on the waves of the ocean that is life
For hopelessness will eventually give ground to bright blue skies

The Poet's Death

I am but a frail exterior of everything you've dreamed for me. I have wasted this life you have bestowed to me. I write but a fragment of the words you lay in my mind. A million lines of beautiful poetry lay dead at the bottom of the ocean that is my heart. I breathe without love, a sin for which I should've died long years ago. My hands create hate, while my heart is a murderer. All the good you've destined for me, and yet my words fall short night after night. My once clean slate has filled with evil intentions and lustful desires. But grace has fallen like a spring time rain, and I have bathed till my canvas was blank again, only to fall back into the mud that has plagued me for far too long. I know that you'll continue to forget the heartache that I cause time and time again. My heart is broken open with the continual pain of grief that comprises my daily existence. I stand alone, waiting for the briefest sense of peace to come and still my heart. Praying that the love of God would somehow penetrate my hardened heart.

Sunrise Grace

I strike a match, a final chord
And say rejoice to you my Lord
The noon day sun spreads arms out wide
To worship you, it's life giving friend
A song raised up, each day true
A story of your grace, forever new

A Letter to...

I fight fires that have yet to start
I find new ways of inventing the past
Mistakes mark every turn I take
But this glorious moment that's about to occur
Our own private fight club of theology and lead
I won't be taken to grave tonight


This self-serving attitude has got to end
I maintain my rights to live outside of your regulations
I will back down in the interest of harmony
But my unwillingness to argue doesn't give you victory

You can't control me

Moments in My Mind

Half my life is spent in moments of idle wonder
Staring out the window for a hint of your coming
Thoughts go back and forth to our magical moments
The world but a haze to the love we both share
A kiss that burns that sky and brings great cities to it's knees
A kiss shared between us races through my mind
Oh dear, you've put a spell on me that I can't break free of
My love for you grows stronger with each day that you're just a thought in my mind
Don't be a stranger my sweet lily pad, your presence here is welcome
Where we can share a lifetime in each other's embrace

The Song Remains The Same

The song plays on my stereo, over and over
With each resonating from the speaker, your face crosses my mind
Like a drug, I hit repeat and take another walk with you

This magic moment replays over in my mind
And I find myself longing for it more now then ever
Hoping these slow winter pass with speed
And spring ushers in your return.

Your hesitance at a return is a slow push on the bruise of my heart
A resistance I chalk up to a desire not to play God
But I still dream for the warm summer months
Barefoot walks on the beach holding your hand

So I sit by the fire with coffee in hand
Listening to this song, and dream of being your man

A Good Living

There's a line in the sand, drawn long ago for those to choose sides
Yet picking my side seems like a task far too hard for my frame of mind
I stand in front of a life so far from complete, the devil just grins at me
And seeing nothing stable in front of me, I cower in panic
Life is too big and too unpredictable and I'm left without direction
Praying all day and night for just the smallest hint from God
My faith seems to be coming undone but my faith is what's holding me together
Tears blind my eyes as I tussle with the life of unknowing
Mistakes I've made and steps I never took, line the halls like dark shadows
Too much grief fills me and the excitement of months prior is all but forgotten
Shouts to heaven seem like the futile act of repeating what's been said over and over
My very words revealing what little faith I have
God help me

Love Story

Sometimes my words aren't even close
To describing to you the passion in my heart
I miss you doesn't even come to close
To how this distance feels to me
There's an ocean between us
Yet you're standing right next to me
I take your hand, cherishing this moment
Knowing that despite all I want, you're still not mine
I could say I love you a million times
And still not come close to expressing my heart for you
I hate this waiting game that we must play
Yet if in the end it gets me to you then I'll go along
But I know that I hate not being with you
And I can't wait for our days together

A kiss that lasts forever

A simple gestured shared between us two
My lips pass sweetly onto yours
An instant so tender, so surreal
And in that moment, I knew one day we'd wed.
My only hope is that you felt it to
That our lives would forever be intertwined
Vision of days spent with you now filled my head
Wanting nothing more then to close this awkward distance between us
Do you feel it too?

Lipstick Makes for the Best Autograph

She wrote her name in big block letters like some good times glorious whore on a bathroom stall wall
She walked slowly towards me, her pink lipstick staining a napkin with her number
Her perfume is cheap and offends my five sense as I slowly take her in.
She smiles with cheap, heartless eyes, that speak of a deep longing for something more then the cheap thrill she's offering tonight.
Her words fall like a discordant melody, unpleasant to my ear
She orders another drink, looking an inkling of interest the ceases to cross my face
With no sign of hope in me she moves down the bar, to next possible love
My face a fast fading picture, just another of the many gone before

Reach For The Stars

We're making the most of each day we wake up
Taking time to dance in the sunshine
We are making new paths, breaking new ground
Moving forward and not looking behind us
Life is moving far to fast for us to just sit and watch it fly by
Today is a new day, a fresh start, Yesterday is old new
We have committed to something more the ourselves
To outshine our wildest imaginations
We are stepping out and marching on
We are reaching for the fucking stars

The River of Tears

I could build I river with the tears I've cried and drown myself straight to Jesus
I'd peacefully up the stairway to heaven and meet my maker where the streets are paved with gold
All the pain falling slowly behind as I move to eternity with God
And say goodbye to this world that's treated me poorly for far too long

But God if there's more then let me find beauty in the things that have brought me pain

Canvas Earth

I want to see beauty in everything
To turn tragedy into a happy ending
I want to run around in a grassy field
Fall down and just enjoy the sunlight on my face
Where flowers grow without shame of size or shape
They feel no need to fret about my passing trampling feet
I want to see all creation as something special
The world to spin as some beautiful painting
The painters canvas all around
And yet unnoticed daily by all
The great work of art ever created
Lost to a mass of busy followers
None taking the time to run through the field of flowers
Or stopping just to observe the marvelous beauty all around

The Ocean Plays A Love Song

The moon slowly over the river as we walked along it's sandy shore
Hand in hand, so in love. There wasn't anything else in the world I could ask for
The sound of the ocean our late night serenade
Distant seagulls call out to our little parade
We sit for long hours, just staring at the warm nights moon
A moment shared between lovers, a moment cemented in time
Your head on in my chest, my arm around your shoulder
No words needed as we enjoy each other

I sing a song of love at night
No ears to hear, my praises die
The audience wants more then I can give
Their polite applause offends my sin
I leave the stage and head for the bar
A night routine without a cause
My faith is tired from lack of heart
I've let you down again this night

Late Night Prayers

A mask of happiness covers her pain
She's lying to herself at night
Hoping for a glimmer of peace
That comes with each nights ever so brief sleep
Her mind is racing to and fro
Trying to wrap her head around thoughts of God
She wants to believe, wants to give in
But how can he love a mess of a girl like her
She whispers up a prayer as she closes her eyes
Hoping tomorrow will bring deliverance

The Sailor's Funeral

There's a breeze in the air, a hint of sadness on the winds as they pass by
A momentary song carried on the air, sung by those lost at sea
No witness to their tragedy, the sailors have all moved on
Their souls ascend to heaven, forever to be with God

Your First Name, My Last

There are pages in my notebook where your pen has touched
Little notes you left for me, about the love we shared
I could rip out the memory of words you said to me
But your hand writing is the only thing left of you in my apartment

Missed Motion

There's a door of escape just outside these black walls
Screaming souls of the half dead cry for God to spend them straight to hell
An example of love shines through darkness and blinds the masses
So they all miss a chance to find your grace and redeeming love
Like sheep we keep on walking, right into the flame
All the while we miss the one who holds the keys to save

Romeo and Juliette Gone Wrong

What light through broken windows shows
Juliette you threw the stone that broke the window in my heart
I opened all the others wide
Hoping any future rocks would pass right through or land softly inside
Yet you found news ways to break the shattered pane of glass
While I sat quietly amazed

It was raining when I fell in love
And it was raining when you broke my heart
The weather never changed
But my thoughts on you had shifted
If I drank this cup of poison
Would you still plunge the knife blade to the center of your heart

I've spent all week roaming the streets
Looking for all the lost little sheep
I round them up into a corner of the barn
And lay my head upon the pillow to say a prayer for the fallen

Oh Princess I’m still here
But you’re out whoring around with all the cowboys and the queers
I understand I move to fast and I’m too old
And I understand he’s promising you streets made out of gold

But know my dear that I've been faithful and I've been true
And I'm standing with my arm still open wide

The Prayers of the Lost

I can feel a new way of life unchanging
I can feel a stirring of something better

We’re looking at the sun… to lead us home
To break us free from all this oppression
We’re heading north… Not straying from the path
To make our ways from death to freedom
We pray to the invisible God
Hoping for an answer to correct our wayward life
Waiting for the smallest glimpse
That better days are ahead of us

My Favorite Conversation

I want to talk to you for hours
I want to share the deepest depths of my soul with you
Tell me your secrets and I'll tell you mine
I want to hold nothing back
My fears, dreams, failures, and accomplishments
I want you to know everything
Hours spent in conversation with you bring joy to my soul
The sound of your voice brings peace
Yet recent leavings keep me held at bay
From sharing all I want with you
Can I trust you... Can I pour myself into you once more
Or should I find another to share my heart with
You are my favorite conversation
Despite all that's been said

Tu es dans mes rêves

Je déteste ce rêve, parce que je me réveillais et non à côté de vous

Moments

There are moments in our life
When we discover what we're looking for
When the clouds part and the sun shines
When rest and peace invade our soul
Life becomes freshly aware of beauty
Awed by all the miracles happening around us
Circumstances of no desire are replaced with great hope
The world seems new and full of possibilities
There are moments in our life
When we give ourselves over fully to love
To something bigger then our 9 to 5 existence
Finding meaning in our everyday nothings
There are moments in our life...
That we let slip by

Miss America is a Pyro

I want to burn Main street to the ground
Torch the buildings and watch the world go ape
I want to put safe existence to rest
Move the suits to panic and see the world dissolve to anarchy

I want a crown and recognition
I want the world to know my name and I want the money due me
I want to be told I'm the worlds most important, most beautiful

I also want world peace

The Lost Princess

The princess walked the streets with the whores
Not aware of her status in this world
Lost amidst the sinners and misguided
She wanders around looking for love
All the while her prince is looking for her
Knowing that she's lost her way and is so confused
Night and day his search is never ending
Hoping to find his love and help her find her place in this world

Hymn To The Immortal Wind

An old man walks along a busy city street when out of the corner of his eye he sees a discarded, trampled flower.
Yet despite is state of disrepair he finds the beauty that still sits just behind the broken flowers eye
He picks it up gently and slowly walks it home
And with all the love in his heart he tells the flower how lovely she is
How proud God must be to have made something so precious
And that despite her present state of abandonment that her life still has a plan
He plants his little flower in a garden in the front yard of his small house
A place for all passersby to see
With tender love and care he waters and feed his pretty little flower
Which each passing day he sees her grow and become more and more in the beauty she once held
A smile passes the old man's lips
Knowing he has helped restore a broken souls hope


A distraught gardner is franticly walking past small old forgotten homes
Broken hearted that his flower has become lost
He stops his walking as it catches his eye
His long lost flower, far from home planted where it does not belong
He walks to the front door and knocks and is saddening when an old man answers
Know full well that taking this flower will break the old mans heart
"Dear sir, I couldn't help but notice the flower in your yard,
She is very beautiful and I've see you spent a lot of love and care.
But this flower was grown many years ago, planted by my hands with a purpose all her own.
If it's not too much and if you can bear, I wish very much to take her back at home."

The old man turns his head and sighs, the gardener can see the tears forming in his eyes
But looks to his flower and with the slightest nod, grants the gardener his wish
The old man bends down and whispers low, a love sonnet he's told his precious night after night
With gentle care he unplants the flower, hands her over and turns away
With a reassuring hand the gardener touches the old man's shoulder
"She's in good hands, and she'll remain loved."

If I have given myself to any unworthy cause
Shatter my soul and rebuild a better me
For my intent is not to become a product of my own self-seeking
But to find a way to bring you more praise

My Heart for You

There are no words to describe my heart for you
It's bruised
Mostly broken
There's not much left for you to have
For this I'm sorry
But please, my love
Know this
I am yours and yours alone


CJG

Untitled

I have fallen down a well so terribly deep
A dark cloud covers all that I can see
With little hope in sight I close my eyes and say a prayer
Wishing love would find a way to get me out of here

Then pebbles crumble down and your face is backlit by the sun
You're always there to save the day, my forever only one

I Miss You

I made you favorite meal tonight...
Too bad you weren't here to have some
I wish you'd yell at me for changing the temperature on the stove
Or giving the food an unnecessary stir

These little things add up
They made this house our home
It feels empty without you

How I long to see your face
To hold your hand and kiss your cheek
Sit on the couch with you next to me
Holding you close and taking in your scent
I long to hear you say I love you

But all I feel is miserable
The ache inside of missing you
I still look out the window for your car
Out the keyhole, hoping to see your face
When the phones rings I pray it's you
Disappointed when it's not

When you're ready I'll be right here
Please don't forget me...

me without you

This isn't really a poem.


"I wanted to tell you I made it home safely
I wanted to tell you I love you
I wanted to say goodnight
When I woke up I wanted to say good morning
I wanted to know how slept
I wanted to find out how your day was going
I wanted to know your plans for tonight
I wanted you to know I love you
I wanted you to know I miss you
I wanted you to know how much this hurts
I wanted you to know how terrible my day was without you
I wanted to tell you
I just wanted you to know"

Time Warped Canvas

A makers hand falls slowly towards it's creation
Striking down the imperfection slowly taking form
Move slowly in your finite existence
There's a great big world waiting to be implored
Paint touched the canvas like new lovers' first kiss
Yet time strains beauty into a distant shoreline moving further out to sea
All our swimming seems in vain
As the undertow pulls us further still away
Is there any way to restore this canvas back to new?
Will we ever see the beauty shining through?
O' Painter, do not in haste destroy the good that you've made
Your hard work has not passed completely unnoticed
Take hold of your anger and channel it into your masterpiece creation
And present to the world your glorious splendor

A Small Spark

You're like a fire burning forests to the ground
You're like a canvas destroyed by bad art
Why would you request to die...
Burn oh fire burn
Take stock of lives lived by past prophets
Making fools of themselves only to be redeemed by God
Somewhere smiling down of those that once made fun
Take up your burden and walk into oblivion
Make sure the priest have all forgotten and that the noblemen aren't looking
Secrets are best shared between lovers in the dark
Yet the internet has ruined the excitement of surprise and anticipation
Don't worry about the headlines of tomorrows paper
As it affects your outcome very little
The history books will one day read
.. and it burned all around

On a Dark and Stormy Night

I stare beyond the moon to an unexplainable distant point of time
Miles beyond anything I can comprehend
My self a mass of questioning about things unknown
The educated guesses of men in suits holds no place in my heart
Stillness settles to an answer not yet gain, to one I'll never have
Prayers go up as questions asking God why
No response
And no response needed for my non theological mind
It is grace and forgiveness not semantics I need

Of Glass and Tale Tell Sins

Broken hearts rain down like glass from heaven
Tiny children run to collect fragments of ships long since passed
In winter the snow falls on mothers of abandoned houses
While fires warm the liquor in our our bellies
We pass the day by telling stories of memories half true
A little lie we play in side our mind of a life we wish we had
Stop all the laughter for a moment of sincerity... we wait
The silence of the room is so loud it makes us wary of the truth we have spoken
Still subtle arms wrapped around our shoulders bring peace inside our hearts

Hello Love

A new day looks down on us from up above
A remembrance of things we ought never have said
Too little, too late apologies for the sins we have committed
But nevermore I look to you for anything more
With exception as to how I can be your love(show you love)
May every day come faster till the day of our together
Then let each pass more slowly then the last
To live our lives together(forever) until heaven wants them back

May We Forgive Ourselves

Open air topic of conversation
A new thought process is brewing
A hot pink air balloon of information
Floating with no known destination
A wide world open to the possibility of self-destruction
A cage match of faith and logic battling to the bitter end
My mind is alike a battle field where everyone has died
A blank canvas littered with the trash of dead thoughts
A war waging between making sense of it all and being ok with knowing nothing
With no end in sight I set my eyes skyward
Hoping for a second that God will grant me peace
But peace is a pipedream of men constantly at war
An unwillingness to accept life as is
A place where reality is more then they bargained for
A murderous envy, ever present in the back of our mind
A storyboard theology of making sense of life and God
Lust as taken hold of hearts and mind
Sex is on television asking us to enjoy the ride
But we know all to well the pride that comes from playing with fire
From hiding our secret sins from a God who knows all
We are not yet ready to own up for our mistakes made
We have not yet understood that we will one day die like everyone else
We are struggling for understanding when all we need to do is believe
Our pain has been bought and yet we still wear a mask
We want to make sense of every little piece of information we have yet to comprehend
We struggle for meaning when God has brought meaning
We feel like little lost sheep yet we are still in the barn
We are looking for a love that we’ve already found
Forgive us… Like you have so many times before

Contemporary Love Song

In the middle of a room stands alone a girl of young age
Waiting for love to fill her heart and sweep her off her feet
Yet the light seems to come in the form of the same broken damaged relationships of past lives gone by
Hopesless she stands at the edge of a knife, no end in sight
Yet prayers not unheard by God come answered in the formed of a mostly unknown man
Who comes without reason or circumstance, with no intention ill willed or self-serving
Yet come he does and in an instance their bond is formed, a love with fire
Her hearts now stopped bleeding, her voice of hope has returned in full
Moments of time capture fragments of memories, with nothing before seeming to have any merit in her life
A walk, a song, an afternoon cup of tea, pizza for two
With each passing day her love renewed

On the Night That I Die

On the night that I die I want to look up to heaven and shout to the savior who saved me,
Screaming at the top of my lungs that I'm ready to spend the afterlife with him.
On the night that I die I want to look into the eyes of my beautiful wife,
And share one last moment of love together.
On the night that I die I want to hold the hands of my children,
Seeing that I've raised them right and my legacy lives on within them.
On the night that I die I want to kiss the heads of my grandchildren,
Sending a prayer to God that he would keep them safe.
On the night that I die I want to look back at my life as a whole,
And thank the Lord for all the moments of joy I've had.
On the night that I die I want to leave this world a better man,
Better then I had ever been before.

Lost my heart somewhere between our first meeting and today.
Oh how far into our future we used to see
Our smiling children out back with playing with the dog.
Yet now I'm having a hard time seeing even a few hours from now
And to be frank my darling, it has me scared .
A life thrown into modern day divorce between us two
Has me wishing for days when we were new.
When all we had were smiles and innocence
When our love would last forever.
It seems like yesterday and still so long ago
And I can't help but pray for a return to those days.
So please my dear don't give up just yet.
Please let me become a man you won't regret.

Murder Inc

Welcome to the greatest show on earth
Court tv drama on technologies latest and greatest
A world so consumed with the new yet so in debt to it's self
Make known that this depression era season will soon pass
Unless all of God's children decide to spend every once of their life
And for what we all gain with this new all in one
We could've used to help a cast away son
The world looks upon us with disdain in it's eye
As we spend our life on our hearts fleeting desire
A shadow of life, the angel of death
Has come back to earth, our stuff to collect.

A Letter: From Satan

I a a checkered past of bars fights and long drives
Of red wine and cheap cigars and girls made out of gold
I'm a lot of things I've never hoped to be
I'm a lie waiting to explode into your brain
I'm a tattletale child bringing news of siblings done wrong
I am the worse thought you are currently thinking
And the best sex you'll ever have
I am a picture perfect copy of all the pleasure in your life
And all the shit that keeps you up at night
I am the center of all things evil
And the center of keeping you poor American children entertained
I'm a circle of lies and shortcomings you'll never see coming
I am a megalomaniac waiting for my turn at full control
I brought sin into world and I'm looking to take your soul to hell
I made Eve eat the apple and Samson cut his hair
I am lust and greed and everything inbetween
I am the angel thrown from heaven
And I'm looking to destroy your life

The Real Housewives of Orange County Have No Soul to Sell

I am a holy roller, sex threat level ten and she is the devil at work within me.
Like wine and cocaine we combine just fine.
Like rich old men and young blonde gold diggers, we were meant to be.
Her the parasite, me the host.
She is my boy hood fantasy girl and I'm her favorite college mistake.
We mean more to each other then we'll ever admit.
But she's a material girl and I'm busy burning down her favorite boutiques.
Her happiness outside of me is a Visa card with unlimited credit,
And I'm finding it very hard to keep her attention while she has cash at spend.
QVC is the soundtrack to late nights and bed fights, and I'm sick at tired of kitchen table countertops full of her receipts.
My religion and her shopping mall Jesus have never met but if they did they'd hate each other.
Yet strangely it seems that our mid-summer nights fling will leave her with more diamonds and me without a thing.
Well I not your sugar daddy and you're no prom queen
So let's find a way to end our midnight romps without my heart or wallet shattering
Because honey my love for you is as real as you think those diamond earrings are.
So enjoy tonight for one last time
Because tomorrow I'll be melting your heart of gold as you refine your taste for the finer things.
So all aboard and last call for this train out of nowhere and straight to the penthouse.
This ain't the last stop just the one you get off at.
See playing with my heart is like playing with fire and tonight you're getting burned.

A Ghost in My Heart

Soft winds stir faint echoes of shorelines long since passed
Memories off a warm sea breeze come rushing quickly back
Not aware of time or space or love of seasons known
Come songs from those still yet to come about the great unknown
Stillness sits and dreams a love now many years been dead
Hoping in the after-life to be lovers once again.

Time Spent

Sometimes me and Jesus will hang out at local bars
Drinking cold Stone White and smoking cheap cigars
We talk about the weather and our rundown beat up cars

God Save me Gin... Maybe

I keep trying, keep pushing on
And everyday, I'd like to think, I'm getting a little better
I hope...

Mark my words, today is not the last
Tomorrow could be worse but it will happen again
And this sin is eating away my heart
But I have got to try, because you're not giving up

Around and around and around I go
The floor is ever coming closer
I fall to my face, the glass spills from my hand
What a waste of good beer

My heart is a war between my soul and my mind
A constant desire to try and do right
Today was a good day, all things considered
Let's celebrate

You Belong Everywhere Part 2

You Belong Everywhere Part 1

Motivated by...

There are blood stained daggers lying in the snow
And I'm confused at this murder scene at my hands
This killing of all that is holy lies in my hands
Yet all I can say is this is how it had to happen
What now, where do I go?
God answer me, guide me
My new life as drifter, fugitive lies before me
And my new reputation will be with me no matter how far I run

Do you really see everything?
Do you know the story of this poor life which I took my own two hands?
Do you still forgive the murderous heart?
Yet nothing matters when I feel as far from you as I do now.
Life seems a meaningless struggle as I strive and strive for you
Yet everyday I feel like a failure, that you're not there

Hoping tonight that your forgiveness for this knife I used
Will bring me closer to you, more then ever before
Yet... I'm doubting that my tactics were right
And now I own a killers life... but I'm hoping for a heart of God

Hold My Hand, Take a Breath

Take a deep breath love and stand on the edge
Of this night long kiss carried on this winters end
A moment of time, not to be replaced
By the wonderful chaos we see everyday
A joining of lips, a tugging of hearts
Backed by the whispers of lovers in arms
To see where we'll go, we have not a clue
But locked hand in hand we jump into the new

The Departed

I wonder what would happen if we were to part?
How long before I no longer miss you?
How long before I could no longer stand a day without your scent, Your touch, you kiss?
Would I miss you lying next to me at night?
Or would my life be full of happiness?
Would the world seem a little bit brighter, more full of promise?
Or would nothing change?
Would my meaningless life continue to go on just as it always has?

Let's not find out.

A Brand New Gospel

Mark my words and take a bow
This final performance, a lasting veil
Your masquerade is over now

The lights go up, the stage now clear
And the audience is already dead.
Their souls, their souls you tried to save
But in the end the devil had his way.
Your followers or so it seemed
Were to consumed in in human beings
A celebrity they put their trust
But you're a fraud like the rest of us.

Drink up, drink up and don't shed a tear
Another town is drawing near
With fresh new faces everywhere
Eagerly awaiting for one true gospel.

Red Chucks and Starbucks

The world largest coffee chain the setting of choice
For a brief encounter that would change the course of my life
A nameless barista hands to a faceless customer
A mediocre cup of coffee and an away with you smile
Then before I walk out you come round the corner
Your red chucks the stand out to your uniform inane
You run to me, a strange really, like you would an old friend
Your arms round my neck, my lips on your face
Your 10 minter break is all that it takes
To spark a new longing, one for the other
I walk out the door, hoping this not the last
Time that I see my new love everlasting

This encounter I remember and am thankful for starbucks
For your employment at that exact moment in time
That God had arranged that meeting for us
Is a wonder to me and I feel blessed from above

Lament of the Sailor

Found a broken spirit and it looks like mine
A passion now dead from a life lived forlorn
A ship in the distance is calling my name
But with no destination it all sounds the same
A sailor on land, my life is on pause
When my ship came in I was long gone

Awaken the dawn as I find a new boat
For my heart is longing for an ocean to call home

Trapped

Tie me up
I'm sorry for today
These tear of lost eyes wandering
It makes relish in time spent alone
A cry for help not heard except for God above
Make joy from sorrow if there is such a way
Oh God I feel like I've lost my way
Bring to me a savior for my heart is still broken
I need yet an answer to my windowless room

Post Modern History of a Well Worn Heart

I watched you break and fade away
Screaming as they laughed your name
Today was not your day

Arise to the top and forget what you're not
A clean get away is better then to stop
You think about the life you have, the falsehood you've become
A making of something deeper then a lie you've overcome

Wake up oh soul, wake up of child
And take the time to look deep inside
Make up your mind of a life once lost
Oh the feelings that have been tossed
Tonight we take our senses back
Not glancing to see what is lacked

Killing Time Till It's Time To Die

Mark my words, you'll never say a word
That sounds like speech to me
These empty tombs, these corpses lying
Make me stronger in my beliefs
"Fight the system" is no corporate line but a system of lies
Sold to a generation in panic.
Arise oh sleeper, were you ever sleeping
Or have we ignored you all along
We're killing time till you call us home
Oh great and mighty one
Take back the streets from enemies
A godhead where we don't belong
A rushing sound is never the sign
But this silence is deafening
We won't relent our souls to tonight
But our lives mean more to us
So rip out the pews and tear down the curtain
The night is ours and we haven't forgotten
Our convictions bring us to rebellion
Against the loveless one
Without a true God

A little something something (Untitled)

The last sound at night is your voice in my ear
And in the morning I longer for your face to see
My dear, you're never far and never near enough
This distance makes my heart ache
I long for the day when we're together
Forever with you by my side
I wait in anticipation for that day
And hope that you'll remain with me

Dance with Me

Take me away, I'm lost
Drowning myself slowly looking for answers to questions never asked
A piece of me is floating on a river to the sea
Lost and gone forever and broken heart of me
Dance away the pain I feel inside
The wickedness I still conceal
My heart opens to one less perfect then the one whom holds the key
Drown my sorrows one more night, one more time
Take me away and I won't fight
Because all this world is locked inside my soul
And I give nothing back... and I give everything

Awake oh sleeper and kill the day
My mountain side monster, that bastard within me
Take heart and hold on tight to everything I feel
But lock away my fear and replace it with the great hope
Ask me not what's wrong, but hold me close
I wait for peace and love, for a countryside view
Of sunshine on my face, of moonlight spreading grace
This puzzle broken heart put together as one

Fight of Relapse

Focus the image, I'll never come back
Breaking this cycle of needed relax
But the right of myself is lost in the day
Forever a dreamer with little to say
Oh wake my mind and give new life
To the pen and paperless simple of kind
A new generation of laziness breeds
This fire and anger and passion in me
But to do, oh God what do I say
To a people who looks to much like me

"Maybe the Lord will act on our behalf"

Take hold of me and let me breathe
For the fear is still gripping tightly
A shattered dream, I'm afraid I'll come
But there's more to me then this run down job
A purpose in life is all I ask
Yet you've handed me this life long task
Failure lurks within my mind
So I don't dare step out where you're by my side
"Maybe the Lord will act on our behalf"
Or maybe I'll die, or worse, they'll all laugh
It's not that I don't think it's true
This calling that runs through and through
But the fear that some will mock my name
Is causing me to bring you shame