Oh, if today God should call you away
What would you give in exchange for your soul


I was listening to LN's "Dirt Floor Hotel Part 1" in the car today. A beautiful piece of music. This song came on and I really started to dwell on this thought.

Lately I've been really concerned with doing God's will. Making sure I'm where he wants me and that I'm doing what I've been called to do. My biggest fear is getting to heaven and finding out I've totally messed up God's plan for me. When I think about the possibility of moving and taking another job, it really worries me that it will be the wrong one. That I'll miss the voice of God on this one. I know I've been given a rough vision from God and I can see where part of it will be fulfilled without me there but there's always that part of me that wants to be there for MY vision. But that's not always God's plan.

Paul is always talking in his letters about going to visit the churches he helped start. Most of the time he never gets there. He wanted to get to Rome but had to be shipwrecked first. What a discouragement. But Paul never got discouraged.

Jason Martin wrote a brilliant song called "Give Up the War."

"I read what they write, God's men of before. It's simply that I am still afriad to give up the war. I've played all the chords, and I guess I got bored. I wanna do it right, be someone like Paul.It's simply that he was not afraid, he never gave up the war. And to live when you're down, and live when you're always leaving. I wanna be things. Always living, pressing on. "

Peter is my favorite of the disciples. He was never afraid to stand up and do bold things. But he never got it. 3 times he said he didn't know who Jesus was. And this guy was the founder of the Christian church.

Our life on earth is so short and I'm glad that I'm consummed with trying to be in God's will. If I wasn't then what would be the point. When I get to heaven one day I want to be told that God is proud of me and the things I did for him. No matter how big or small.

"So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and steady, always enthusiastic about the Lord's work, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."
1 Corinthians 15:58

I've been too drained to post anything worth anyone's time. I don't want this blog to be me typing meaningless crap. That's the last thing we need.

I've found myself being tired. Tired in my body, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel drained completely and I'm finding it really hard to draw my strength from God. I know it's there just waiting for me. Paul summed it up nicely in Romans 7: 15-25.

"I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do evil things. I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good I don't. And when I'm trying not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I'm doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it. It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."

I feel like I pray these verses every night. It's insane how the day to day things can push God out. I've tried to set up guide lines and time frames and nothing has worked out. I get so wrapped up I put God on the back shelf. That's no way to treat anyone who loves you. And I'm so damn tired of doing this. I want to have an amazing relationship with God, where I'm in his will and doing great things for him but I screw up everyday.

Now that I'm really looking at moving and finding a new job, I really want to have my heart open to hear from God, where he wants me to go. My spiritual life has been nothing but a freaking rollercoaster. A month or so ago I had an awesome vision and direction from God and now I feel tired and lost. I know the answer lies in trusting God, leaning on his understanding and wisdom and gudiance. Prayer is always welcome.

"But (as you will see): joy comes of him"
"The Birth of Christ"
by Rainer Maria Rilke