I've been too drained to post anything worth anyone's time. I don't want this blog to be me typing meaningless crap. That's the last thing we need.

I've found myself being tired. Tired in my body, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel drained completely and I'm finding it really hard to draw my strength from God. I know it's there just waiting for me. Paul summed it up nicely in Romans 7: 15-25.

"I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do evil things. I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good I don't. And when I'm trying not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I'm doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it. It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."

I feel like I pray these verses every night. It's insane how the day to day things can push God out. I've tried to set up guide lines and time frames and nothing has worked out. I get so wrapped up I put God on the back shelf. That's no way to treat anyone who loves you. And I'm so damn tired of doing this. I want to have an amazing relationship with God, where I'm in his will and doing great things for him but I screw up everyday.

Now that I'm really looking at moving and finding a new job, I really want to have my heart open to hear from God, where he wants me to go. My spiritual life has been nothing but a freaking rollercoaster. A month or so ago I had an awesome vision and direction from God and now I feel tired and lost. I know the answer lies in trusting God, leaning on his understanding and wisdom and gudiance. Prayer is always welcome.

"But (as you will see): joy comes of him"
"The Birth of Christ"
by Rainer Maria Rilke